My Life.....Act II

I am ready to get this blog back going again. I have missed being here and sharing my thoughts with those that care to read them. It is been just under a year since my last post. So much has happened in this year. I will have to back track later, but I wanted write this particular post in response to the longing in my heart to be honest about what my feelings are with regard to needing someone to love me. Anyone who knows me knows that Cleo has played a huge part in my life, especially over the last year and a half. I went through very painful and necessary break up, but as I have healed from that, I have discovered that I have been lying to myself about what I want and how badly I need and want someone to hold me and be there for me…..in a way that Cleo and none of the wonderful friends I have can be.

I am sure that no one would disagree with me when I say that we all want and maybe even need someone to add passion and intimacy to our lives. Meeting men in the very obvious places is so easy and often times have cured the lonely feelings that I tend to have some time. Well, maybe “cured” is the wrong word. They have allowed me to help stop the bleeding. I’m a little tired of it.

Dating has been somewhat easy for me…….I love meeting people…..but I also am guilty of giving people the benefit of the doubt and that’s where the difficulty of dating comes in. Everyone is not what they say they are and I have a hard time allowing myself to recognize the red flags that come up. But, I have always said that people are inherently good and I just refuse to not believe that. I have to make sure that I am the most important person in the equation when we are getting to know each other and I have to follow my gut. I hear people talking about that “gut feeling” and say “you should always follow your gut instinct”.

But as sure as I say that……my gut is telling me that I have met someone that fits the bill. My gut is telling me that I should allow myself to go through this and, no matter what the outcome is, I will be a happy that I did. I have not had this feeling for a long time and it’s scary, exciting, passionate, intimate, confusing, fun……I love it! Love……what it is really? I don’t think it can be defined the same for everyone. I know what’s important to me and I know what I am willing to give to someone. Is it too fast when you know these things? Is it too fast when you are not afraid to lose yourself in the moment and you hope that heaven feels as good as the kiss he gave you this morning……Is it too fast when you both find comfort in the presence of the other……when “doing something” means going nothing at all but you are together so it’s awesome?

Who made the rules? There are people out there that “look” for that gut feeling….they “look” for love and hope to find it in whatever form it may come. I am not “looking” for love, but I am on the “look out” for what feels right. I have been disappointed…..but I keep the thought of love and the possibility of being in love very close to my heart. If I make it to that place called love again, I will enjoy it and allow it to become what it will. For Real!

The Purrrrfect Crush

I want to kiss you…..shadow you jaw-like against touch,
Touch you sent like musk
Salt water and seafoam clean
I Want to kiss you near God
Or, amongst strangers and I dare either to stop me
Keep me
I Want to kiss you bitter,
Tired of waiting….wondering
Want to kiss you empty, steady as forever
Small as favor……
Maybe, kiss the curve where shoulder meets neck
Or, silk of throat or back of neck….
Perhaps, scruff of chin
Inside elbows, wrists……then rest
Smooth of chest…..your Back
Hip to hip….
Dip of belly
I want to hold you entwined like vows
Palm against palm
Fingers laced and waiting
I want to kiss you unbroken
Before too many hearts snap like dried and dead things
This longing, like fire….like hunger….like nothing before or since
Just one….small, solitary kiss…..no questions….no worries….no words
Just a kiss…..quiet, quick, subtle, silent…..Just one….it will probably speak volumes

What a year so far......

What a great perspective so are....right? I toasted in the new with with a bunch of people that I really did not know. I knew my hosts, Jeff and Tim...and I really appreciate them for having me. I am soooooo very optimistic about what lies ahead for me. Nope, I did not get some really great news between now, 2:50am, January 1, 2011 and the last time I posted something on my Facebook page on December 31, 2010. However, I made a new friend or two and I had a chance to speak to a friend that may have had just as hard a year as anyone else. During that conversation, I think I saw what an example of forgiveness and true remorse looks like. I was impressed. So, as candid as I can be...and I really hate to be this cryptic.....I will say to my friend, you are really off to a good start and thank you for sharing with me.

I am resolved.....to live better than I have ever lived before. To be a better friend, son, nephew, uncle, cuzzin and lover. To make the best decisions, no matter how difficult, that will make me a better person. And, when I fail, I am resolved to forgive myself for falling short because, it will happen. So, bring on 2011, with all of it's unexpectedness and predictability, because...I am resolved. For Real.

Enough said.....

This Christmas.

I have been gone from this for so long.....I will catch up on things a little later. What I have to say right now is very needed for a multitude of reasons. Mainly, I need it for me. On the surface, this holiday season has seemed like any other that I have had over the last several years. I have maintained my smile and my spirits have been as lifted as ever.....but, I have to admit that I have thought about what my last several Christmas's have been. He and I would decorate our home as if Santa himself walked in and directed us in the effort. There was nothing more spectacular than the Christmas Village he would construct beneath our Family Tree. You know, we had to have 2 trees.....a Family Tree which consisted of our childhood ornaments and things we collected over the years. The other tree was the Gay Tree. He insisted that it was intended for me to make my own, but I really know he just hoped it would keep me busy while he constructed that village. I did not mind.....he always did such an amazing job.

This year......is a little different. There is no village......there is simply that Gay Tree.....and I have to tell you, she has never shined as brightly in my eyes as she does right now. Before....that village, with its train driving the dogs crazy, is not bustling with the love and togetherness that was there from the first day of construction. Like the economy, all new construction has had to come to a halt.

But, as much as I may miss what used to be.....my mind drifts to far more significant things. I am so blessed to have my girl Cleo with me. She IS, without question, the single most important thing in my life. I thank God for her on a daily basis. My mother....., who continues to show me the power of true unconditional love, will have my back until time stops. My aunt, Shoonky, I am so extremely proud to have her in my life and she shows me on a regular basis how being a good and genuine person will always pay off in the end. My best friend, Todd......I don't think that he really understands just how significant his existence has been in my life. No matter what, he is there for me when I can't find anyone else....no judgments....just pure love....just how God intended it. Of course, there are so many others, but the gist of what I am trying to get at is that even though the life I thought I could never live without is over....I have managed to live without it. Imagine that.

The village is gone.....taken away like the waters of Katrina....all over again. But, let it been known......the area is being surveyed.....there is some prime real estate here. I had to figure that out....and I am.

So, on this Christmas Eve/Morning......I will say thank you to God for bringing us this far.

To my friend, Guy Bulltail.....one year ago today, we said good bye to you forever. You drifted away from this life as peaceful as anyone could have hoped for. So, as I sit here and write this....with the tears flowing from my face and feeling a tab bit sorry for myself....I have to remember you, my friend. Thank you for still making a difference in my life, even in your death.

So....I will end with this; Change is not always bad....it can be difficult....not not always bad. I am learning that more and more every day.

Merry Christmas to you all and I love you....For Real.

Affection......from the Bunkhouse

I'm free this time, and I’ve surrounded mankind
There's nothing here now but you and me
While gravity never used to bother me
I'm floating senseless in the presence of you
And I see euphoria in everything we do

Our worlds are closing in, and while I don't fear a thing
We've lost the air of innocence we once shared
Once at peace, once so calm
This thing that wakes me is now calling me

Morphine-like slumber, in a haze of wonders
Enter womb-shaped rooms where we can be safe
Vision blurred by an opiate sky
Seated while our worlds start to quake
I forgot just how good affection used to taste

Perception of Reality

I think that as I grow, get older, learn, fail, succeed, have good days and bad ones, I develop a new way of approaching things. Something that bothers me the most is when someone says "I know you". How in the hell can you "know me" when I am still learning myself as I go? I am guilty of this myself. I tell my best friends, my mother and others that I am very close to that very same thing and what I have found is that they will surprise me time and time again. I am going through a series of changes myself. I am learning how to live my life again as an independent person. I was devoted for so many years to someone that I lived and breathed for and even though that relationship is over, I don't regret having loved that hard for so many years. Hell, he helped me realize that I don't have to be the person that people think I am and he encouraged me to find the path that best suited me. However, what I have come to realize is that I don't need him to help me figure that out anymore.

Who am I? I am so many things and lots more. I hope that I am given the chance by my friends and family to show them the many other facets of me that contribute to the person they see that makes them laugh so much. Yes, I am funny and crazy and I LOVE the spotlight.....but check this out, I am also a very introspective person with insight into life and things around me. For Real

I have to admit, that most of the people that are around me that know me well are beginning to see a different side of me and for the most part, they are very welcoming to learning and seeing more of that part of me. I appreciate that, from the bottom of my heart.

For Real

And this too shall pass.......

I was inspired to write this by a Facebook post a friend of mine posted. Today, someone jumped off of a bridge and landed on I-5 and died. This struck a chord with me. I work in a building just under the Aurora Bridge and in the 16 months that I have worked there, I have seen the results of a desperate soul at what apparently was the last option laid out on the street in front of my building.

Each time this has happened, I have asked myself "what could have possibly led them to this?” I mean, it is truly hard for me to imagine feeling that sad, lonely and distraught that the only way to deal with life is to end it. I have an amazing group of friends and a very supportive and loving family, so I don't think I could ever do something like that. But, does that mean that the people that take their own lives did not have anyone.....not one single solitary person that they could go to? Again, I find that so very hard to believe because that is not my life and experience, but they felt so alone that life was not worth living anymore.

However, when I was smack dab in the middle of my break up, I was walking on the Burk-Gilman Trail that runs along Lake Union and past my building. I was balling my eyes out because I was just so sad. The cyclists and runners would zip by me and some made eye-contact and others I don't think even noticed me. As I walked under the bridge, I thought to myself that, with the exception of my Grannie's death, I don't think I ever felt this sad before. I was so sad that it made me physically sick to my stomach. The pain was intense......that just in that moment, I imagined that there was no way that I could get over this and what are my options to help me deal with this pain. The person that takes his or her own life must have felt a million times worse and I felt so sorry for them.

The jumper today.....I wonder what led him to that. Was it just an emotional last minute decision or was it a planned act of getting out? Was he going through some really tough times and something just snapped and he just did it?

I wish it was as easy as saying "and this too shall pass" but in the midst of your own personal inner tragedy mere words seem so useless. However, you never know what the power words can do for someone. Words could save someone's life. I really try to make my interactions as pleasant as I can even when I am not really feeling it.....I understand, sometimes I feel like planting my foot firmly up somebody's ass just like everyone else. But, I try to remember that the words I say to someone could make or break them. I am reminded of a song by Lalah Hathaway "What Goes Around Comes Around". How we treat others will pay us back in full. For Real.

Obviously, I have plenty of options and a firm faith in God so I don't think I could ever or would ever take my own life, but it has made me put some things in perspective. And, from time to time, we could all use a reality check. I know I try to step back and edit myself when I feel like I am getting off track from the way I WANT to live my life. I am a work in progress, so………

I am so very blessed to have the life that I have. The people that love me and support me make it easy for me to have bad days because healing is just a text, phone call or prayer away. All the shit that makes me mad, sad or indifferent all helps to make me a better person. I am thankful for having gone through it all and welcome the lessons that are yet to be learned.

As long as I keep believing in it....."And this too, shall pass".......For Real.