Sometimes….
I feel blessed. As if God is touching my life in ways that don’t see reason or understanding. When the morning finds me with new breath and a new opportunity to see the greatness of Him and the day holds mysteries that I am both anxious and afraid to face. Blessed that when I get a message from my momma just to say hello, I know that she too knows the grace of God and breathes it all in.
I feel cheated. As if the life I long for in the deepest parts of my desires have been given to someone else. The marriages, the children, the houses, the vacations, the bodies, the salaries and I wonder “why not me?”.
I feel angry. As if those things that are out of my control are my fault still and I begin to blame myself. I take things so personally at times and I feel helpless. I’m afraid of anger because I know how difficult it can be for me to see my way back from such hard place. I pray.
I feel sad. And, I cry.
I feel joy. It rumbles from inside my soul and shoots out the tips of my fingers and toes and from the top of my head. My eyes reflect all of it and if you look deep enough you can almost see it. It’s like a tender kiss from God as a reminder that no matter what, I am not forgotten.
I feel Peace. It washes over me in moments…and stops me in my tracks, mid-step sometimes and it cradles me like the mother of a new born baby. It’s gentle and surreal. It comes to me amid chaos and soothes me back into myself. It helps me appreciate my blessings, accept MY journey, holds my anger at bay, comforts my tears and celebrates my joy. It represents the truest existence of God I know.
