When I think of death, and of late the idea has come with alarming frequency, I seem at peace with the idea that a day will dawn when I will no longer be among those living in this valley of strange humors. I can accept the idea of my own demise, but I am unable to accept the death of anyone else. I find it impossible to let a friend or relative go into that country of no return.
Disbelief becomes my close companion, and anger follows in its wake.
I answer the heroic question 'Death, where is thy sting? ' with ' it is here in my heart and mind and memories. - Maya Angelou
I struggle a bit with the topic of death simply because I am not sure how I can or would handle losing people that are extremely close to me. But, I ran across the above quote from Maya Angelou that really puts into perspective why I feel the way I do….it kinda gives me justification to feel this way. However, part of the responsibility of living is excepting the idea that at some point, my life will be over and I will expire…..cease to breath……die.
Death is a very real responsibility that we all have to face. Until just a few days ago, I have not had to deal with very much death. My friend, Guy, died just over two years ago, but prior to that, it had been several years. The way I deal with loss of this kind is I sink into a very sad state of mind and I am not sure why allow myself to get so sad, I mean, death happens. However, no matter how much I think about it and try to wrap my rational brain around it, the fact is I miss those that leave this world and I am sure I would be missed. The tears that fall are tears that there are no more memories to be made. When my Granny passed away, I was in sooooo much pain and I did not understand why it hurt so damn bad. I mean, I know that I was gonna miss her, but it made me sick. Literally, I was ill about the loss.
Looking back on it, I still can’t quite understand it. In Dr. Angelou’s quote, she says that she “seems to be at peace with the idea that a day will dawn when I will no longer be among those living in the valley of strange humor.” However, she cannot accept the death of anyone else. I get that. I would much rather leave this world than have to deal with the loss of someone that I love or care deeply for. And, to think that someone that loves me deeply will have to deal with my passing makes me sad…..it is a very depressing circle, For Real!
All that being said, today, I am facing that loss again; my dear, sweet cousin Natash N. Newton has gone to Glory. She was 28.
The tears I cry for Natasha are scary for me because the selfish part of me knows that I will never talk to her again or hug and kiss her…..make her smile and have her tell me how much she loves me and I love her. The other part of me is happy that she will suffer no more. Natasha was not in the best of health and the thought of her in hospitals and suffering while she is living is not living at all. I hope that my family members that read this understand that I am not happy she is gone, I am simply thankful that God has ended her suffering and that is even hard for me to type, but it’s true.
I live by the creed “if it’s God’s will, let it be done”, but that does not help to ease the pain of losing someone that you have built a lifetime of memories with. You may have known them for 15 years or 15 days, the impact of them passing will still be felt. Dr. Angelou answers the question “Death, where is thy sting?” with the fact that the sting is in the memories that we will continue to live with and reflect on.
As much as I am feeling this loss, my thought go to Natasha’s sibling, Marcus, Troy and Cora. I will search for the right words to comfort or console them, but I know that don’t have the words to share because there is none available that will help them to deal with the pain they are all feeling. I can only embrace them and pretend to be a shroud over them protecting them from every other pain they may be feeling because I know that this pain is cutting them deeply. My little cousins have felt this pain way more than anyone should at such young ages. They have lost their mother, father and now their big sister. Lord, get them through this, please.
I will have a chance to see my family and we will do what we do and that’s to pull together and get through this. God will not put more on us than we can handle and we can handle quite a bit. We may fight, not talk for a while, go through our ups and downs, but the thing that keeps us going is the ability to call on each other in love for support.
I pray that God will continue to keep us all close to him, especially Marcus, Troy and Cora and that He will help us to understand that in all that He does it is marvelous and though we may not understand it and we may be angry and ask God “WHY” I hope that He carries us that extra mile to understanding and at the end of the day, we will continue to praise Him and be thankful for the blessings that we have. I will pray that Marcus, Troy and Cora will hold on the God’s unchanging hand and find comfort in Him. God, please show them that this, too, shall pass and help them to find peace in knowing that their sister’s pain is gone…..the storm is over now.
Natasha is with her momma now and will continue to be the voice in their heads letting them know that they are still not alone and she’s got them……the same way she has had since they were born. For Real!
