The Moment, the Minutes and Me

I am not sure what life is really all about or what I should even expect it to be about. In my close to 38 years of living, I have experienced quite a bit more than I thought I would have growing up in the ghetto of Whitehaven in Memphis, TN. I suppose what’s most important to me has changed over the years. That’s what this post is about today; how have the things that I have found to be most important to me over the years changed?

When I was born, I had no real identity. I came into the world perfect, no scars…on the inside or the outside, I loved and was loved and it was at this moment that who I am today really started taking shape. I learned how to love based on how I was loved, I learned how to treat people with love and respect because I hoped to be treated that way, and I discovered my sexuality under the disguise of love and equated the act of sex with love. Oh, I’m good with how things have gone for me and I wouldn’t take any of it back, but the journey to here has not always been as nice to me as I would have hoped. This blog is intended first off to help me discover things about myself and to help me be a bit more introspective about things, but it is also a platform for me to share in hopes that my stories will help someone else. Some of the stuff I will post here has only been shared with my ex-partner and he was a great listener.

As a young, black man growing up in the South, I needed to make sure that I presented myself a particular way. Black men have an image to uphold about themselves because we don’t want there to be any confusion about our manhood or about our sexuality. My momma told me a story once how the man she married when I was a baby (and I thought was my dad) used to punch me in my chest and knock me to the ground, but that was not good enough, he would help me up then punch me again…over and over and over again. Of course, momma would say something, but he was abusive to her as well so there was only so much she could do. He told her that he was raising me to be a man. I still wonder how that was supposed to help me become a man. In the end, I think that all it did was make me quick to fight anyone that I thought was going to do something to me. I’ve been in a few fights because of that. Thinking back….I can remember being stationed in Germany, he was in the Army. My momma had gone out with one of her homegirls….when she came home; he beat her up in front of me. So, at a very young age, I thought that violence was the way to address your anger and disapproval and apparently your love. In a way, I wish he were standing in front of me now…I’d like to see him hit me or my momma……I don’t think he’d get away with it anymore.

During the same time, I experienced sex for the first time. I would love to tell you that me and another little boy or girl were in the bedroom closet exploring each other……that’s not how it happened for me. It started with wrestling in the front yard of my Grannie’s house. Then, it went to sleepovers. I had no idea how to say “stop” or “no”…..I thought it was ok, a little uncomfortable, but ok. Without going into too much detail, it’s still kinda painful to think about it, but it was my first exposure to same sex intercourse. I opted to not tell my momma until recently because I did not want her to think that that experience is what “made” me gay. She understands that now and she had been really supportive of my decision to not say anything….damn, she is amazing. That experience did not define me, but I do think that it has had an effect on how I think about relationships with men and how I looked at love, my ex, David, helped me to realize what real love looks like and I am so thankful to have loved and been loved by him.

The result of those moments and minutes in our lives made us who we are. We have to allow ourselves to go through those things to get to another level of understanding who we are and what strengths we possess. They also help us understand our weaknesses and how we can work on getting though those tough times. We sell ourselves short when we forget who we are and what we are made of. We all have to the tools we need to make out on top after all; self-preservation is the first law of nature. And, in those times when we stumble and forget how awesome we are, we can rely on each to pick up the slack and move on in faith together.

Those moments and those minutes of my life are me and I thank God for helping me to endure them and I pray that I will continue to do so as I navigate my way through this life and continue to discover more of who I am and what I’m made of. I realize something new all of the time…good and bad…..and I’m working on how to use those things to help me grow and Lord knows that I don’t always get it right, but that’s what this journey is all about, living and learning.

For Real.

You Are Worthy.......Just Because

There are very few things that I know for sure, but the one thing I am absolutely certain of is my worth. I have always had a confidence in myself that, at times, may have been questioned for any number of reasons; maybe my weight had gotten too out of control, maybe relationships did not work out the way I’d hoped or maybe I just did not feel accepted enough in the things that I had done. But, I have always recognized that regardless of those things, I am worthy of being here. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of being given the opportunity to love and have that love returned to me.

My faith dictates that no matter what outside burdens people try to place on me, God is there to help me realign whatever doubts I may have in myself. Marvin Sapp said it best, “He saw the best in me, when others failed to”.

I think that it is really sad when someone can’t recognize what good they have in them and that no matter what has happened to them in the past, love and respect is always deserved and should be given as well as received. In all of our relationships, romantic, family, friendships…..we bring a ton of baggage to the table, it’s the nature of things. We are who we are because of the shit that we all have had to go through. But, that baggage is important to teach us each a lesson. Knowing what we will and will not allow to have happen to us and learning how to treat those people that are important to us is essential for building strong relationships and to staying true to who we are. We can’t be in healthy relationships of any kind if we shut down the possibility of growth…..the knowledge that the baggage and poison that we have dealt with does not and should not control us. It should be put on a shelf and referred to from time to time to remember not to go through it again. Know your worth….remember your worth.

The relationship I was in before my 8 year relationship with David was extremely dysfunctional. For the people who know me now….you would not have believed the shit I allowed to happen to me. I was not the person I am today....scratch that, I was then the person I am now, however, I had allowed myself to put that dude ahead of me. For Real? Now, I don’t like to say what I will never do, but I’m pretty damn sure that won’t happen again.

Truth be told, the demons that I have had to deal with in my life, and on some level I’m still dealing with, will not overtake my belief that I am worthy ever again.

I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it (- Maya Angelou)…..For Real.

Cookie, est. 1994

I was never a cook in the Navy….. I don’t have a fondness for desserts, either. And, I’m not the heir to that gigantic cookie empire. I got the name “Cookie” thanks to the ignorance of a straight guy stationed with me in San Diego when I was on board the USS Duluth (LPD 6). It took me a minute to get used to it, but I have embraced it and could not imagine not having that as the name most know me as.

Words are funny, we can give them power when they don’t deserve it and we can let them overwhelm us so easily. I was on the verge of letting this guy ruin me with name calling….it’s just a word, but at the time, I didn’t get it. My momma taught me not to let anyone control me (well, except her….LOL) especially with words. She taught me better than that, and I know better than that.

I have always had the best confidence. Even growing up, I always had a great sense of self and the support of my family to lift me up and make me know my worth. I knew that I was weird as a kid and I recognized it more as a young teen that I was REALLY weird. By 1994, I was well on my way to discovering my sexuality and felt pretty comfortable with the man I was becoming. I was 20 years old and about to turn 21 while in San Diego….I was really discovering my sexuality!

A very good friend of mine on my boat, Isaac, had heard one of his shipmates referring to me as “Ms. Cookie”. He would mock the way walked and talked making everyone laugh. When Isaac told me this, my first reaction was I’m going to kick his ass! I was so upset and I was also very scared because of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. The anger changed to fear. But, whatever, I was not going to let this simple minded, red neck control me with a word. He was a bully and I don’t get bullied, my momma didn’t raise a punk, For Real! I called my mom and she could tell something was wrong, she always could and as much as I hate to admit it, still does know when something is bothering me. She knows her baby very well. She told me it’s just a word and don’t let it bother me.

Now, here’s just how creative and fierce we gay people can be. Isaac and his boo at the time, Maurice had come up with this action hero named “Cookie”. “Cookie” could shoot exploding chocolate chips from her wristbands…..with a shake of her ample ass, she could launch exploding chocolate chip cookies from her hips….I LOVED IT!! So, our ships pulled into the Philippines and in an effort to commemorate this alter ego that had just been created, we all got tattooed. The tattoo that I decided on needed to be one that I could totally embrace. It had to give me power and represent this time in my life in such a way that when I told the story of the tattoo it would inspire someone. The tattoo……the Tazmanian Devil, holding a baseball bat in one hand…..and a cookie in the other! Underneath the Taz…the word “COOKIELICIOUS”!!

You see, I was able, no matter how difficult, to turn that negative into a positive. I refused to allow myself to be defined by someone else, so I took his word and turned into a personality, into a mantra. The things we all go through are meant to happen to teach us and it’s up to us to take away from it those things that will make us better people. If that had not happened…..I’d still be be Joseph Torez Fields, still fabulous, wonderful, spiritual, sassy and smart. I was named after my grand daddy, Joseph Judge Newton….that’s a great name to have and I love it. However, I could not imagine not being Cookie. The name fits me like a glove. Hell, I'm not sure if I fit the name or the name fits who I am.....whatever the case may be,


I AM COOKIE……FOR REAL!