If I Were a Bird

I can see everything from up here. I would be able to look back at where I came from with the ability to revisit the places that gave the most joy. Where happiness lived a full life and thrived. Like the first Christmas, the endless hours of laughing with my cousins who were my sisters, the times when I pretended to be my favorite black boy band on the street in front of Grannies Mississippi house. Where my innocence still existed and I was untouched.

I would no longer be afraid to look back on the times that did not hold fast the dreams of this black boy. I could look back on the constant punches in the name of man-hood, the visual of my angel falling down in the name of love, the latch key loneliness. My wings would spread and allow me to escape….or return…or soar into blue sky of anticipation of where I’d go next. My wings would take me to places that I have longed to go but for whatever the reason, I have been afraid to be. And, walking doesn’t get me there fast enough and it prevents me from making a timely escape, I don’t think I was meant to walk among them.

At moments, I am afraid to be so high above them. I make attempts to fly lower so that they can still see me there with them, but it doesn’t seem to work….they want me to be there with them and the judgement comes. They don’t understand that a spirit bridled dies a horrible death and I have been resuscitated for the last time.

Freedom comes to some with the ease of the morning dawn and the rising of the moon. They are able to fly or walk in the presence of those that come to lock away the spirit that makes them who they are. At times, they are forced to hold back their freedom in the name of honesty to those they love, but at the expense of the love they have for themselves making freedom sad and non-existent. In that moment, they become their own captors.

If I were a bird….you would still love me and you would want to. I’d be the truest version of me, the me that you have caught glimpses of and have been drawn to. You would have to let go of who you think I am and embrace me…and you would still love me in my honesty. And if selfish love prevents you from going there with me, either you never loved me or I never showed you me. In both cases, the loss is hard, but the rebirth of a new understanding is promising and you could still love me…..the real me.

I am no longer coming back ….I am here.

A Celebration of Life

I am blessed to see yet another year and to God goes the glory. The examination of my life over the last year makes my jaw drop thinking about where I am now versus where I was this time last year. I would have never thought that I would be in this place at this time. No matter how much I prayed that God would order my steps onto a new path, I am happy where I am today……and to God goes the glory.

The celebration this year will be for the one that God chose to bring me into this world and to guide me through this life. Now, I don’t remember what happened on the day I was born, but I do know that I was connected, comforted and made safe in that moment in her arms. I imagined that she held me and cried….she does that. My guess is that she was scared….she was just barely 18 years old and didn’t even know how to take care of herself, let alone a new born baby. I also assume that she never really knew what real love was until that moment. She was assured that, besides her momma and daddy, there was going to be one more person in this world that will love her for the rest of her life.

One of the greatest things about her is that, despite the demons she had to battle, despite the bumps and bruises she endured in the name of love, despite the struggles and insecurities that try to stall her……she always puts me first and loves me unconditionally. When I told her that I was gay, there wasn’t a moment of hesitation in her love for me. Never once did she question me……she just said that she loves me no matter what. Unconditionally…..without condition, her love is never quid pro quo.

I am the person that I am because of the grace of God and I thank God every single day for my momma.

Momma, thank you for always being there for me……”thank you” just doesn’t seem to say enough, but I am pretty sure that there are no words that can truly express the gratitude that I have for you. From the first birthday until this one, you have been that voice of reason, the counselor when I had no idea what to do or where to go, the shoulder for my tears and the best friend I’ll ever know. How blessed am I to have you in my life…..

The bond that a child develops with his mother can never be severed. I grew as an organism inside her for nine months. She carried me and sustained me, sharing her sustenance with me through my umbilical cord. When I was born, that cord was severed, but it never severed in our hearts. That bond will lasts forever. Sometimes, my life can become crazy and I’m all over the place from time to time and it may seem as though I forgot the woman that cared for me and nurtured me through everything. I will never forget and with each passing year, the bond gets stronger.

So, my birthday blessing this year and every year before this and every year that is yet to come is for the one solid force in my life that has always been steadfast in her love for me...…my momma.

I pray that God will continue to keep you, momma, close to Him and safe in His arms as you and I continue on this journey in life. Thank you for praying for me in times when I did not know if God could hear my own prayers. For all the ups and downs; for all the rights and the wrongs……you are my girl and I love you……For Real.