Perception of Reality

I think that as I grow, get older, learn, fail, succeed, have good days and bad ones, I develop a new way of approaching things. Something that bothers me the most is when someone says "I know you". How in the hell can you "know me" when I am still learning myself as I go? I am guilty of this myself. I tell my best friends, my mother and others that I am very close to that very same thing and what I have found is that they will surprise me time and time again. I am going through a series of changes myself. I am learning how to live my life again as an independent person. I was devoted for so many years to someone that I lived and breathed for and even though that relationship is over, I don't regret having loved that hard for so many years. Hell, he helped me realize that I don't have to be the person that people think I am and he encouraged me to find the path that best suited me. However, what I have come to realize is that I don't need him to help me figure that out anymore.

Who am I? I am so many things and lots more. I hope that I am given the chance by my friends and family to show them the many other facets of me that contribute to the person they see that makes them laugh so much. Yes, I am funny and crazy and I LOVE the spotlight.....but check this out, I am also a very introspective person with insight into life and things around me. For Real

I have to admit, that most of the people that are around me that know me well are beginning to see a different side of me and for the most part, they are very welcoming to learning and seeing more of that part of me. I appreciate that, from the bottom of my heart.

For Real

And this too shall pass.......

I was inspired to write this by a Facebook post a friend of mine posted. Today, someone jumped off of a bridge and landed on I-5 and died. This struck a chord with me. I work in a building just under the Aurora Bridge and in the 16 months that I have worked there, I have seen the results of a desperate soul at what apparently was the last option laid out on the street in front of my building.

Each time this has happened, I have asked myself "what could have possibly led them to this?” I mean, it is truly hard for me to imagine feeling that sad, lonely and distraught that the only way to deal with life is to end it. I have an amazing group of friends and a very supportive and loving family, so I don't think I could ever do something like that. But, does that mean that the people that take their own lives did not have anyone.....not one single solitary person that they could go to? Again, I find that so very hard to believe because that is not my life and experience, but they felt so alone that life was not worth living anymore.

However, when I was smack dab in the middle of my break up, I was walking on the Burk-Gilman Trail that runs along Lake Union and past my building. I was balling my eyes out because I was just so sad. The cyclists and runners would zip by me and some made eye-contact and others I don't think even noticed me. As I walked under the bridge, I thought to myself that, with the exception of my Grannie's death, I don't think I ever felt this sad before. I was so sad that it made me physically sick to my stomach. The pain was intense......that just in that moment, I imagined that there was no way that I could get over this and what are my options to help me deal with this pain. The person that takes his or her own life must have felt a million times worse and I felt so sorry for them.

The jumper today.....I wonder what led him to that. Was it just an emotional last minute decision or was it a planned act of getting out? Was he going through some really tough times and something just snapped and he just did it?

I wish it was as easy as saying "and this too shall pass" but in the midst of your own personal inner tragedy mere words seem so useless. However, you never know what the power words can do for someone. Words could save someone's life. I really try to make my interactions as pleasant as I can even when I am not really feeling it.....I understand, sometimes I feel like planting my foot firmly up somebody's ass just like everyone else. But, I try to remember that the words I say to someone could make or break them. I am reminded of a song by Lalah Hathaway "What Goes Around Comes Around". How we treat others will pay us back in full. For Real.

Obviously, I have plenty of options and a firm faith in God so I don't think I could ever or would ever take my own life, but it has made me put some things in perspective. And, from time to time, we could all use a reality check. I know I try to step back and edit myself when I feel like I am getting off track from the way I WANT to live my life. I am a work in progress, so………

I am so very blessed to have the life that I have. The people that love me and support me make it easy for me to have bad days because healing is just a text, phone call or prayer away. All the shit that makes me mad, sad or indifferent all helps to make me a better person. I am thankful for having gone through it all and welcome the lessons that are yet to be learned.

As long as I keep believing in it....."And this too, shall pass".......For Real.