My Truth

Sometimes….

I feel blessed. As if God is touching my life in ways that don’t see reason or understanding. When the morning finds me with new breath and a new opportunity to see the greatness of Him and the day holds mysteries that I am both anxious and afraid to face. Blessed that when I get a message from my momma just to say hello, I know that she too knows the grace of God and breathes it all in.

I feel cheated. As if the life I long for in the deepest parts of my desires have been given to someone else. The marriages, the children, the houses, the vacations, the bodies, the salaries and I wonder “why not me?”.

I feel angry. As if those things that are out of my control are my fault still and I begin to blame myself. I take things so personally at times and I feel helpless. I’m afraid of anger because I know how difficult it can be for me to see my way back from such hard place. I pray.

I feel sad. And, I cry.

I feel joy. It rumbles from inside my soul and shoots out the tips of my fingers and toes and from the top of my head. My eyes reflect all of it and if you look deep enough you can almost see it. It’s like a tender kiss from God as a reminder that no matter what, I am not forgotten.

I feel Peace. It washes over me in moments…and stops me in my tracks, mid-step sometimes and it cradles me like the mother of a new born baby. It’s gentle and surreal. It comes to me amid chaos and soothes me back into myself. It helps me appreciate my blessings, accept MY journey, holds my anger at bay, comforts my tears and celebrates my joy. It represents the truest existence of God I know.

One Day My Soul Just Opened Up.....

It’s often that I find it hard to explain my faith in God and why I have that faith. All I can say is…..
One Day my soul just opened up….

And things started happening, things I can’t quite explain.
I mean…I cried and cried like never before
I cried tears of ten thousand mothers
I couldn’t even feel anything because
I cried ‘til I was numb.

One Day my soul just opened up…

I felt this overwhelming pride
What I was proud of, only God knows!
Like the pride of ten thousand fathers
Basking in the glory of their newborn sons
I was grinnin’ from ear to ear!

One Day my soul just opened up…

I started laughing
And I laughed for what seemed like forever
Wasn’t nothing particularly funny going on
But I laughed anyhow
I laughed the joy of a million children playing in the mud
I laughed until my sides ached
Oh, God! It felt so good!

One Day my soul just opened up…

There were revelations, annihilations, and resolutions
Feelings of doubt and betrayal, vengeance and forgiveness
Memories of things I’d seen and done before
Of places I’d been, although I didn’t know when
There were lives I’d lived
People I’d loved
Battles I’d fought
Victories I’d won
And, wars I’d lost

One Day my soul just opened up…

And out poured all the things I’d been hiding
And denying
And living through
That had just happened moments before.

One Day my soul just opened up….

And I decided
I was good and ready, good and ready
To surrender my life to God

So, with my soul wide open
I sat down
Wrote God a note
And told her so.

Ready For Love

Ready for Love….standing here steady for Love, but love can’t seem to find me. When I think cupid’s arrow is pointing my way, it hits the person behind me. You see, I think Cupid is blind…ya, see? But, no more Toni Braxton’s “Another Sad Love Song”.....no more lonely nights or weekends and he’s always there when I need him. With a smile so bright, that every time he parts his lips to smile he can cause an eclipse. His kisses are sweeter than triple chocolate fudge with a cherry on top. I tell you, this man I got…...he never disrespects me, he just lets me….be me. I’d wash his feet like Jesus, because like Lazarus, he brought me back from the dead. I could never deny him or verbally crucify him, I just want to be by him.

In every sense of the word I need him. No need checking my DNA, I’d bleed him; Turn me into Stevie Wonder and I’d still see him; Cut off my oxygen and I’ll still breathe him. I just gotta be near him. Make me deaf and dumb and I’ll still hear him. In love I gave up and had no luck and just like Humpty Dumpty I fell off that great wall and I’m all broke up. When I mention his name I’ll get all choked up and tongue twisted. To him, I am addicted.

And, when we are in private quarters, I follow all his orders and like Coming to America’s Prince Akeem, he sho know how to make my Soul Glo. He’s my Russell Crowe, he's a Gladiator and he has a Beautiful Mind.

God must have heard my prayers when I sent them above. I’m so happy I was ready and prepared for love.

An Unwasted Journey

A man that views the world at 50 the same way he viewed the world at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life. – Muhammad Ali

I was sitting on the sofa watching the Bet Awards when I first recalled hearing this quote. Muhammad Ali’s daughter, Layla Ali, was thanking the audience for all of the support that she and her family had received after her father’s passing and remembered this quote as words she has come to live by. Those simple words….an honest observation of one’s own life and the fear of not living it, spoke volumes to me in that moment. And, over the last 2 weeks as I thought about what the last year has been for me, I knew that my philosophy about life and living would be forever altered.

The last year has been different for me and it’s taken me some time over the last few weeks to understand why and what’s been so different. What I have come to understand is that I feel as though I have gained more confidence in myself. Not the outward, selfie photo taking self, but the kind of confidence that can’t be found through the adornment of others or in the number of likes a Facebook status update receives. It’s the kind of confidence that comes with walking firmly in my own shoes and owning me….all of me…..whatever it means. I’m stepping further into my 40’s a little less afraid of what others think and more conscience of myself and how I want to be viewed. To me, there is a difference between caring what people think of you and being aware of who you are. At this point, I’m pretty aware of who I am. I think that my experiences in life have lead me to this very place and although some of my choices may not have always been the best, I own them and wear the consequences as a badge of honor. In other words, my soul remains intact….my spirit is unbroken.

The man I was at 20….For Real! That man, had confidence, but it was a false sense of self that fueled that confidence and ultimately held him back. He was the desperate seeker of outside acknowledgement with a false sense of confidence that lead to bad choices, broken promises and a tainted soul. The saving grace was God’s amazing grace. You see, God specializes in tainted souls and broken spirits. And, as I sit her on the eve of #42, I’m blessed that I understand that there is no testimony without a test and with those tests, I know that I don’t see the world at 42 the way I did at 20. I’ve allowed myself to evolve over time and I have taken the opportunity to simply……breathe….to take it all in. I’m still scared sometimes, but I’m not afraid.

I continue to thank God for His many blessings…..even on the days that I feel that God may not be there for me and things just aren’t going right. In those moments, I thank Him even more. I appreciate the bad times because they don’t really come that often for me so when they do, I know that there is an opportunity to learn and become closer to my faith.

I am thankful for the best softball teammates I could ask for. This year has been a special year for us and personally, it has been one of the best years of playing I’ve had and it’s because of the great men I am honored to play with and learn from. I appreciate and love them all.

I continue to thank God for my mother……anyone that knows me, knows that she is second only to God in my life; Momma….with tears in my eyes and I sit here and write this, know that you are the rock of my life and every year on my birthday, I celebrate YOU because my life up until now would mean nothing without you. I love you. I’m thankful for the rest of my family and friends that all contribute to helping me be the best person I can be.

The older I get and with every experience, I am gaining a greater sense of self and that is what life is all about. You have to celebrate the good, but be equally enthusiastic to learn from the bad…I’m still learning, but the journey has been great…..For Real!

An Unintended Honor

I served and it was never my intention to do so. All I wanted to do was make my mother happy, whatever the cost, and that meant college, being a lawyer or a doctor and not going to jail. Seemed easy enough, right? After all, the pictures of MLK, JFK and Jesus’ Last Supper on my grannie’s wall was a reminder that I could do anything….even the black man in the picture cosigned that and had a dream about it. I was set. In my mind, there was one little problem; how can I continue to hide this secret? I’m mean, I have a crush on my best friend….who is a guy AND white, if I stay in Memphis I could never go to the place where other people that have the same desires that I do go, what if someone sees me and tells my mother? She would lose her ENTIRE mind if she knew that in the darkest, nastiest places in my mind, I thought of marrying my best friend and laying with him in the same way that I would lay with a girl. I couldn’t imagine hurting my momma and if it meant me acting contrary to my feelings….well, let me get this Academy Award, just call me Denzel….For Real.

So….college; there was no way I would or could even think of affording to go to college in any place other than Memphis and that would have been a great struggle for my momma. Could she have pulled it off…..probably, she is pretty fucking amazing….just saying, but there were no “GoFundMe” pages back in the day so my college tuition would be a burden carried on the back of my momma and she was already doubled over from carrying the shit she has for her entire life. When Shannon told me that he was following in the footsteps of his father that he and I both admired and joining the Navy, I thought it was a great idea. I mean, I had already thought about joining the Army because of my granddaddy, but those damn desires were there and if I got found out in the Army, they would kill me…literally. So…..HELL NO! But, Shannon and I could join the Navy together, go to boot camp together and get stationed together. That felt safe to me so I was set and my momma and the entire family LOVED it.

It wasn’t easy for me to get in the Navy. You see, I’m fat. No matter how many times I lose weight, no matter how much weight I lose….I will always be fat. Let’s just put that out there. Shannon and I joined the Delayed Entry Program early in our senior year of high school and it was well understood that I needed to lose weight and there was plenty of time for me to do so. I worked my ass off to try to lose weight and I had done a decent job at it. When we graduated, Shannon and I went to went to visit his brother in Panama City, FL. We had fun…..a little too much fun. When we got home, our recruiter told us that our date to go to boot camp had been moved up. Shannon would leave first and I would go the following week. Well, Shannon left for boot camp, the follow week when I went to get processed to leave, I was told that I did not meet the body fat requirement and could not join the Navy. My world came crashing down.

But, with a LOT of hard work and the help of my momma and God, on August 24, 1992 I joined the United States Navy.

I was deathly afraid that I would still have to keep my true self hidden and since Shannon and I could not go to book camp and get stationed together, I was on my own. I had heard stories of men getting beat up, teased and hazed for being Gay. Not to mention, if the Navy knew that I was Gay, they would kick me out. I served on the aircraft carrier, USS Independence (CV-62) and did a tour of the Gulf. I served on the USS Duluth (LPD-6) and did another tour of the Gulf; then, I was stationed at the Naval Legal Service Office, Naval Station Bremerton. I was fortunate enough to meet men and women from all over this great country of ours and forged lasting connections with some amazing people. I learned that contrary to what anyone in our government says, there were LOTS of gay men and women in the Navy….both officer and enlisted…..and we all served honorably and we did our job. When my straight shipmates would take me out drinking and ultimately ask me if I was Gay, I would trust them with the truth and they understood that we were brothers in the same Navy and we had a mutual respect for each other. Even though I opted to get out of the Navy because of DADT, I don’t regret a single one of the 8 years I served and I would gladly do it again.

Thanks to all of the men and women that have served before me and especially to those who laid down their lives for this country, we all stand on the shoulders of braver souls…..we should all thank God them.

What I gained from my experience in the Navy is something that I don’t think I could have learned in college. I needed structure and balance and the Navy gave that to me. I learned what true Honor, Courage and Commitment means.

I am a United States Navy veteran…..and I’m proud about it, for real.

The Love Letter

Dear, Excuses

I hope this letter finds you in good spirits and doing well. This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but it’s something that needs to happen and, quite frankly, it’s been a long time in the making. I will tell you that I have loved for as long as I can remember. Our journey together has been so amazing and I will forever cherish every step we’ve taken together. But, with the good, comes the bad and I’m tired….I’ve taken all I can and I need to move on.

Trust me, this is not easy. In the beginning, you were so full of confidence and optimism and over the last few years, that confidence has faded and cynicism has become the norm. Oh, I occasionally catch a glimpse of that spirit that soars on wings that catch the wind and sends you to places of peace, but it’s not nearly as consistent as it used to be and I miss the man you were. You used to put me first in EVERYTHING. You would love me without condition and now I barely see any affection from you at all. You started putting others before me, inviting other people into our bed and it only made me feel worthless and emptier. The only consistent thing from you were the excuses to make a change and do better and it never lasted. When I would say something to you about it, you would just look at me with those eyes…..flashing that smile…..

You always focused on what YOU wanted and you never asked me what I thought would be best for the both of us. You never took the time to consider that I would be ok with some of those shenanigans as long as you still made time for us. Well, I’m done waiting for you to come around.

I want control of my future back….a future that does not include you. I need to focus on me…for the last time…..again. You can sit there and laugh at me all you want thinking that you’ve heard this all before and you’re right, you have. But, what makes this time different from the rest is that I can see no future in what we are doing. I’m ok with our past, but I need to consider our future and MY future does not include you.

I can’t talk about the consistently bad behaviors that you exhibit without acknowledging the fact that I kept coming back and allowing you to do this shit. At some point, I have to let you go. It pisses me off more and more every single time I think about it which has been a lot lately and I’m tired of being pissed off…I’m tired of the excuses……and I’m tired of being tired.

Here’s what I want from you…..NOTHING. Which is what you have given to me over the last few years and, once again, I’m tired.
Here’s what a want from me…..EVERYTHING. A relationship that is based on loving me first, feeding more than my face, but feeding my mind, spirit and soul. It seems that when I would break away from you long enough to get things going, you would find a way to come right back in, I’m tired.

For me, the timing couldn’t be better because there is someone else that I love more than you. And, the funny thing is that he was there in front of my eye the entire time. He was always encouraging me to leave you for him, but I just could not let you go. However, you are about to be a distant memory. I will admit that it’s not going to be easy, I have gotten so use to your mistreatment, I am not sure I will know how to accept anything else, but I’m going to try because anything is better than you.

So, to quote Angela Bassett in “Waiting to Exhale”……Get yo shit….Get yo shit…..and GET out!


Yours Truly

Cookie 4 Real....

This Love.....From Loss

Through tragedy, love presented itself and our worlds were brought together, as our worlds were instantly shattered. The irony in that is nothing less than questionable, but we are able to see it and are captivated by the ability we all have to forget our differences and come together in the name of love and loss. You didn’t really need to know him to see the impact that his life had on people. The night before the decision was left up to God to bring his angel home, the moment of silence was haunting as we all realized that we were about to say goodbye to a precious soul….it was truly the loudest silence I’d ever been in and I hear it all the time now.

I have struggled to be ok with the loss of my friend, for selfish reasons. But his passing has brought so many people together. Some connections that have been on hold for so long have been made again, while new connections have forged in the name of love. God makes no mistakes, no matter how horrible it may seem and just because it doesn’t look good, it still can work for good. There were promises made to keep in touch, to reach out more, to leave nothing unsaid and I pray that we all come through on those promises. Was it God’s plan to show us how important our connections to each other are by taking away one so blessed? When it’s all said and done, understanding is not necessary to receive the message that we all should take a step back and edit the way we look at relationships that we have and take the time to embrace those connections that mean the most to us.

I hope that our friends passing was not in vain and I pray that the legacy that was left is that of love, friendship and connection. If he truly was the soul that we knew him to be, it would be honoring him as a man to remember how precious life is…..he LIVED every moment; To cherish our friendships and remember to tell those we love how fortunate we all are to have each other; To open our hearts to new connections and friendships; and, to reach out for every last moment we have because in a blink, everything can change.

As I celebrate Thanksgiving, I am thankful that I know you all. To my friend…..I honor the life you lived and the life I have come to know with you. Thank you for being a part of my journey and I will never forget you for the fun spirit that you brought to this world…..to my world. I promise to grasp every moment that I can and try to truly live out my purpose in life. You have joined my army of Angels that I turn to in moments of doubt and I find comfort in knowing that. You are gone…but far from forgotten….For Real.