An Unwasted Journey

A man that views the world at 50 the same way he viewed the world at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life. – Muhammad Ali

I was sitting on the sofa watching the Bet Awards when I first recalled hearing this quote. Muhammad Ali’s daughter, Layla Ali, was thanking the audience for all of the support that she and her family had received after her father’s passing and remembered this quote as words she has come to live by. Those simple words….an honest observation of one’s own life and the fear of not living it, spoke volumes to me in that moment. And, over the last 2 weeks as I thought about what the last year has been for me, I knew that my philosophy about life and living would be forever altered.

The last year has been different for me and it’s taken me some time over the last few weeks to understand why and what’s been so different. What I have come to understand is that I feel as though I have gained more confidence in myself. Not the outward, selfie photo taking self, but the kind of confidence that can’t be found through the adornment of others or in the number of likes a Facebook status update receives. It’s the kind of confidence that comes with walking firmly in my own shoes and owning me….all of me…..whatever it means. I’m stepping further into my 40’s a little less afraid of what others think and more conscience of myself and how I want to be viewed. To me, there is a difference between caring what people think of you and being aware of who you are. At this point, I’m pretty aware of who I am. I think that my experiences in life have lead me to this very place and although some of my choices may not have always been the best, I own them and wear the consequences as a badge of honor. In other words, my soul remains intact….my spirit is unbroken.

The man I was at 20….For Real! That man, had confidence, but it was a false sense of self that fueled that confidence and ultimately held him back. He was the desperate seeker of outside acknowledgement with a false sense of confidence that lead to bad choices, broken promises and a tainted soul. The saving grace was God’s amazing grace. You see, God specializes in tainted souls and broken spirits. And, as I sit her on the eve of #42, I’m blessed that I understand that there is no testimony without a test and with those tests, I know that I don’t see the world at 42 the way I did at 20. I’ve allowed myself to evolve over time and I have taken the opportunity to simply……breathe….to take it all in. I’m still scared sometimes, but I’m not afraid.

I continue to thank God for His many blessings…..even on the days that I feel that God may not be there for me and things just aren’t going right. In those moments, I thank Him even more. I appreciate the bad times because they don’t really come that often for me so when they do, I know that there is an opportunity to learn and become closer to my faith.

I am thankful for the best softball teammates I could ask for. This year has been a special year for us and personally, it has been one of the best years of playing I’ve had and it’s because of the great men I am honored to play with and learn from. I appreciate and love them all.

I continue to thank God for my mother……anyone that knows me, knows that she is second only to God in my life; Momma….with tears in my eyes and I sit here and write this, know that you are the rock of my life and every year on my birthday, I celebrate YOU because my life up until now would mean nothing without you. I love you. I’m thankful for the rest of my family and friends that all contribute to helping me be the best person I can be.

The older I get and with every experience, I am gaining a greater sense of self and that is what life is all about. You have to celebrate the good, but be equally enthusiastic to learn from the bad…I’m still learning, but the journey has been great…..For Real!

An Unintended Honor

I served and it was never my intention to do so. All I wanted to do was make my mother happy, whatever the cost, and that meant college, being a lawyer or a doctor and not going to jail. Seemed easy enough, right? After all, the pictures of MLK, JFK and Jesus’ Last Supper on my grannie’s wall was a reminder that I could do anything….even the black man in the picture cosigned that and had a dream about it. I was set. In my mind, there was one little problem; how can I continue to hide this secret? I’m mean, I have a crush on my best friend….who is a guy AND white, if I stay in Memphis I could never go to the place where other people that have the same desires that I do go, what if someone sees me and tells my mother? She would lose her ENTIRE mind if she knew that in the darkest, nastiest places in my mind, I thought of marrying my best friend and laying with him in the same way that I would lay with a girl. I couldn’t imagine hurting my momma and if it meant me acting contrary to my feelings….well, let me get this Academy Award, just call me Denzel….For Real.

So….college; there was no way I would or could even think of affording to go to college in any place other than Memphis and that would have been a great struggle for my momma. Could she have pulled it off…..probably, she is pretty fucking amazing….just saying, but there were no “GoFundMe” pages back in the day so my college tuition would be a burden carried on the back of my momma and she was already doubled over from carrying the shit she has for her entire life. When Shannon told me that he was following in the footsteps of his father that he and I both admired and joining the Navy, I thought it was a great idea. I mean, I had already thought about joining the Army because of my granddaddy, but those damn desires were there and if I got found out in the Army, they would kill me…literally. So…..HELL NO! But, Shannon and I could join the Navy together, go to boot camp together and get stationed together. That felt safe to me so I was set and my momma and the entire family LOVED it.

It wasn’t easy for me to get in the Navy. You see, I’m fat. No matter how many times I lose weight, no matter how much weight I lose….I will always be fat. Let’s just put that out there. Shannon and I joined the Delayed Entry Program early in our senior year of high school and it was well understood that I needed to lose weight and there was plenty of time for me to do so. I worked my ass off to try to lose weight and I had done a decent job at it. When we graduated, Shannon and I went to went to visit his brother in Panama City, FL. We had fun…..a little too much fun. When we got home, our recruiter told us that our date to go to boot camp had been moved up. Shannon would leave first and I would go the following week. Well, Shannon left for boot camp, the follow week when I went to get processed to leave, I was told that I did not meet the body fat requirement and could not join the Navy. My world came crashing down.

But, with a LOT of hard work and the help of my momma and God, on August 24, 1992 I joined the United States Navy.

I was deathly afraid that I would still have to keep my true self hidden and since Shannon and I could not go to book camp and get stationed together, I was on my own. I had heard stories of men getting beat up, teased and hazed for being Gay. Not to mention, if the Navy knew that I was Gay, they would kick me out. I served on the aircraft carrier, USS Independence (CV-62) and did a tour of the Gulf. I served on the USS Duluth (LPD-6) and did another tour of the Gulf; then, I was stationed at the Naval Legal Service Office, Naval Station Bremerton. I was fortunate enough to meet men and women from all over this great country of ours and forged lasting connections with some amazing people. I learned that contrary to what anyone in our government says, there were LOTS of gay men and women in the Navy….both officer and enlisted…..and we all served honorably and we did our job. When my straight shipmates would take me out drinking and ultimately ask me if I was Gay, I would trust them with the truth and they understood that we were brothers in the same Navy and we had a mutual respect for each other. Even though I opted to get out of the Navy because of DADT, I don’t regret a single one of the 8 years I served and I would gladly do it again.

Thanks to all of the men and women that have served before me and especially to those who laid down their lives for this country, we all stand on the shoulders of braver souls…..we should all thank God them.

What I gained from my experience in the Navy is something that I don’t think I could have learned in college. I needed structure and balance and the Navy gave that to me. I learned what true Honor, Courage and Commitment means.

I am a United States Navy veteran…..and I’m proud about it, for real.

The Love Letter

Dear, Excuses

I hope this letter finds you in good spirits and doing well. This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but it’s something that needs to happen and, quite frankly, it’s been a long time in the making. I will tell you that I have loved for as long as I can remember. Our journey together has been so amazing and I will forever cherish every step we’ve taken together. But, with the good, comes the bad and I’m tired….I’ve taken all I can and I need to move on.

Trust me, this is not easy. In the beginning, you were so full of confidence and optimism and over the last few years, that confidence has faded and cynicism has become the norm. Oh, I occasionally catch a glimpse of that spirit that soars on wings that catch the wind and sends you to places of peace, but it’s not nearly as consistent as it used to be and I miss the man you were. You used to put me first in EVERYTHING. You would love me without condition and now I barely see any affection from you at all. You started putting others before me, inviting other people into our bed and it only made me feel worthless and emptier. The only consistent thing from you were the excuses to make a change and do better and it never lasted. When I would say something to you about it, you would just look at me with those eyes…..flashing that smile…..

You always focused on what YOU wanted and you never asked me what I thought would be best for the both of us. You never took the time to consider that I would be ok with some of those shenanigans as long as you still made time for us. Well, I’m done waiting for you to come around.

I want control of my future back….a future that does not include you. I need to focus on me…for the last time…..again. You can sit there and laugh at me all you want thinking that you’ve heard this all before and you’re right, you have. But, what makes this time different from the rest is that I can see no future in what we are doing. I’m ok with our past, but I need to consider our future and MY future does not include you.

I can’t talk about the consistently bad behaviors that you exhibit without acknowledging the fact that I kept coming back and allowing you to do this shit. At some point, I have to let you go. It pisses me off more and more every single time I think about it which has been a lot lately and I’m tired of being pissed off…I’m tired of the excuses……and I’m tired of being tired.

Here’s what I want from you…..NOTHING. Which is what you have given to me over the last few years and, once again, I’m tired.
Here’s what a want from me…..EVERYTHING. A relationship that is based on loving me first, feeding more than my face, but feeding my mind, spirit and soul. It seems that when I would break away from you long enough to get things going, you would find a way to come right back in, I’m tired.

For me, the timing couldn’t be better because there is someone else that I love more than you. And, the funny thing is that he was there in front of my eye the entire time. He was always encouraging me to leave you for him, but I just could not let you go. However, you are about to be a distant memory. I will admit that it’s not going to be easy, I have gotten so use to your mistreatment, I am not sure I will know how to accept anything else, but I’m going to try because anything is better than you.

So, to quote Angela Bassett in “Waiting to Exhale”……Get yo shit….Get yo shit…..and GET out!


Yours Truly

Cookie 4 Real....

This Love.....From Loss

Through tragedy, love presented itself and our worlds were brought together, as our worlds were instantly shattered. The irony in that is nothing less than questionable, but we are able to see it and are captivated by the ability we all have to forget our differences and come together in the name of love and loss. You didn’t really need to know him to see the impact that his life had on people. The night before the decision was left up to God to bring his angel home, the moment of silence was haunting as we all realized that we were about to say goodbye to a precious soul….it was truly the loudest silence I’d ever been in and I hear it all the time now.

I have struggled to be ok with the loss of my friend, for selfish reasons. But his passing has brought so many people together. Some connections that have been on hold for so long have been made again, while new connections have forged in the name of love. God makes no mistakes, no matter how horrible it may seem and just because it doesn’t look good, it still can work for good. There were promises made to keep in touch, to reach out more, to leave nothing unsaid and I pray that we all come through on those promises. Was it God’s plan to show us how important our connections to each other are by taking away one so blessed? When it’s all said and done, understanding is not necessary to receive the message that we all should take a step back and edit the way we look at relationships that we have and take the time to embrace those connections that mean the most to us.

I hope that our friends passing was not in vain and I pray that the legacy that was left is that of love, friendship and connection. If he truly was the soul that we knew him to be, it would be honoring him as a man to remember how precious life is…..he LIVED every moment; To cherish our friendships and remember to tell those we love how fortunate we all are to have each other; To open our hearts to new connections and friendships; and, to reach out for every last moment we have because in a blink, everything can change.

As I celebrate Thanksgiving, I am thankful that I know you all. To my friend…..I honor the life you lived and the life I have come to know with you. Thank you for being a part of my journey and I will never forget you for the fun spirit that you brought to this world…..to my world. I promise to grasp every moment that I can and try to truly live out my purpose in life. You have joined my army of Angels that I turn to in moments of doubt and I find comfort in knowing that. You are gone…but far from forgotten….For Real.

No Idea

I could get lost in your brown eyes easily…..and finding the way out would be the last thing on my mind. There is a really sweet soul there that I want to know more about. Your smile, your laugh…..it brought comfort to me that I didn’t realize I had missed for a while. The best afternoon I have spent in ages could only get better with a kiss. Simple and sweet….with a hint of passion.

I’m sure you have no idea.

The inflections in your face, as you focus so intently on the task at hand, makes me want to lean over and kiss your forehead.

I’m sure you have no idea.

I want to touch your face and feel the softness of your beard against my cheek. My lips would find a home at the curve of your neck. As I pull you tightly against my body, my ears listen for the exhausted sigh of comfort as you sink into my arms.

And I’m sure you have no idea…..

This Type Love

I'm hoping that I may find a guy who calls me handsome instead of hot. Who will lie under the stars and fall asleep listening to my heartbeat or will stay awake just to watch me sleep and dream of him. I'm going to wait for the man who kisses my forehead and is not afraid to show me off to the world....even when I may not be looking my best. I want a man who will hold my hand in front of his friends and be proud of our accomplished love. A man who is constantly reminding me of how much he cares and loves me and just how lucky he is to have me in his life. The man who will turn to his friends and say, "That's the One" and not be afraid to receive that kind of love from me. I want to find a man that makes me want to do all of those things for him.

I have spent so much time narrowing down everything that I might want in a man that I seem to have forgotten, at some point, to consider what kind of man I don’t want. As much as I’d like to think it’s as simple as just saying that I want someone that treats me the way I want to be treated, there’s so much more than that to be considered. Sometimes, it’s not enough.

The kind of man that I don’t want is the one that confines me. Disabling my spirit to fly and caging the very thing that I am sure drew them into my world to begin with. It’s funny how we all seem to want “that guy” and when we have him, we tend to do everything we can to try and make them over…..to mold them into the person that we want them to be. Meanwhile, we are taking away from them the ability to evolve in the relationship. Why waste the time with a love that you are just going to try and make over? Finding the right guy should be much like finding a new house….. A guy that is “move in ready”, meaning, he does not need to be remodeled, redone or molded into the ideal person that we want them to be. And, in return, he is ready to live in “my house” as is. Let’s channel all of that energy we are wasting trying to change him and put the effort into decorating each other and make being together comfortable and effortless. Don’t come in knocking down walls and building new spaces that there never meant to be there to begin with.

I had a love once. A love that I thought would last forever. And, although God had a different plan, I am blessed to have gotten a glimpse of what love can look like. Sometimes I worry that I am not going to find the love that I want….or deserve….or desire. The idea that I will not have that “happily ever after” creeps its way into my thoughts from time to time, but I refuse to let it consume me. I am not looking for love, but I dream of love finding me one day and holding me captive in the possibility of forever again. I want to be caught up in loves grasp.

I pray that love, real love, will one day cover me in all its splendor and warm my soul, for real.

#LIFE

In the absence of understanding who we are and where we’ve come from, it’s impossible to figure out where we are going and, more importantly, how we will get there. As we struggle for understanding, there is a serious need to step outside of the selfish ideals that “I” is all that matters or that “my group’s life” matters more. No group or person holds the patent on struggle and oppression….we are all in this world together. MLK said best, “injustice anywhere, is injustice everywhere”. Why have we lost sight of this?

All lives matter. I may have more insight into my struggles as a black man….or a gay man…..but there needs to be compassion for those that are not like me, but are still in the midst of their own struggles. How many human lives have to be destroyed before we come to realize that “I am my brother’s keeper”?

I want to speak to my black people out there; our lives matter. There should be civil unrest every single time a black man or woman is killed by the police or racially profiled by anyone. But, let me ask you this……when are we going to stop killing each other? When are OUR lives going to matter to each other enough to stop murdering each other? If we don’t respect the lives of each other, how do we expect the world to respect our lives? When are we going to stop trying to claim a bigger piece of oppression and show compassion to the others that are in a similar boat?

I know that our history in this country is marred by slavery….families torn apart on the auction blocks, our women raped, our men beaten and broken down. When is it ok to stop being so damn angry about it and realize that it’s time to work together to make changes happen? Just because we are LOUDER than the other groups that have the same struggle doesn’t mean we are going to be heard. The messages are being missed by our inability to see that the only way WE can make it is if the rest of the country/world see the compassion we have for each other.
We all have a responsibility to each other. We should ALL be upset about the senseless killing of black a man or black woman, but we should be equally pissed when a white person is murdered….or an Asian person….or Hispanic. We are all connected in the world, people!

I want to speak to my gay people out there; we are in the midst of fantastic strides in our social acceptance in this country. The supreme court of the land has validated our civil rights and the pendulum of justice is finally swinging our way. Having said that, the Gay Struggle is not the new Black Struggle. I have thought about this for some time now and I get why some of us gay people like to think this, but I think we need to look at the history of the country to understand why so many people are upset by this. The struggle that black people have endured in this country since it was founded had reached depths so heinous that we all should feel blessed that we are in the place that we are in. Hell, even me, as a black man, will never really understand what real struggle is because of all the heroes and sheroes that came before me.

At the end of the day, both groups need to stop comparing scars and show a little compassion and help each other heal.

All life is precious. All life matters. Let’s embrace our differences and try to see where the other group is coming from by seeing the fight from their eyes. If we do this, we will find we share more things in common than some may think. Let’s all march together, one voice with a common message of equality, after all, that’s all any of us want….For Real.