I am not sure what life is really all about or what I should even expect it to be about. In my close to 38 years of living, I have experienced quite a bit more than I thought I would have growing up in the ghetto of Whitehaven in Memphis, TN. I suppose what’s most important to me has changed over the years. That’s what this post is about today; how have the things that I have found to be most important to me over the years changed?
When I was born, I had no real identity. I came into the world perfect, no scars…on the inside or the outside, I loved and was loved and it was at this moment that who I am today really started taking shape. I learned how to love based on how I was loved, I learned how to treat people with love and respect because I hoped to be treated that way, and I discovered my sexuality under the disguise of love and equated the act of sex with love. Oh, I’m good with how things have gone for me and I wouldn’t take any of it back, but the journey to here has not always been as nice to me as I would have hoped. This blog is intended first off to help me discover things about myself and to help me be a bit more introspective about things, but it is also a platform for me to share in hopes that my stories will help someone else. Some of the stuff I will post here has only been shared with my ex-partner and he was a great listener.
As a young, black man growing up in the South, I needed to make sure that I presented myself a particular way. Black men have an image to uphold about themselves because we don’t want there to be any confusion about our manhood or about our sexuality. My momma told me a story once how the man she married when I was a baby (and I thought was my dad) used to punch me in my chest and knock me to the ground, but that was not good enough, he would help me up then punch me again…over and over and over again. Of course, momma would say something, but he was abusive to her as well so there was only so much she could do. He told her that he was raising me to be a man. I still wonder how that was supposed to help me become a man. In the end, I think that all it did was make me quick to fight anyone that I thought was going to do something to me. I’ve been in a few fights because of that. Thinking back….I can remember being stationed in Germany, he was in the Army. My momma had gone out with one of her homegirls….when she came home; he beat her up in front of me. So, at a very young age, I thought that violence was the way to address your anger and disapproval and apparently your love. In a way, I wish he were standing in front of me now…I’d like to see him hit me or my momma……I don’t think he’d get away with it anymore.
During the same time, I experienced sex for the first time. I would love to tell you that me and another little boy or girl were in the bedroom closet exploring each other……that’s not how it happened for me. It started with wrestling in the front yard of my Grannie’s house. Then, it went to sleepovers. I had no idea how to say “stop” or “no”…..I thought it was ok, a little uncomfortable, but ok. Without going into too much detail, it’s still kinda painful to think about it, but it was my first exposure to same sex intercourse. I opted to not tell my momma until recently because I did not want her to think that that experience is what “made” me gay. She understands that now and she had been really supportive of my decision to not say anything….damn, she is amazing. That experience did not define me, but I do think that it has had an effect on how I think about relationships with men and how I looked at love, my ex, David, helped me to realize what real love looks like and I am so thankful to have loved and been loved by him.
The result of those moments and minutes in our lives made us who we are. We have to allow ourselves to go through those things to get to another level of understanding who we are and what strengths we possess. They also help us understand our weaknesses and how we can work on getting though those tough times. We sell ourselves short when we forget who we are and what we are made of. We all have to the tools we need to make out on top after all; self-preservation is the first law of nature. And, in those times when we stumble and forget how awesome we are, we can rely on each to pick up the slack and move on in faith together.
Those moments and those minutes of my life are me and I thank God for helping me to endure them and I pray that I will continue to do so as I navigate my way through this life and continue to discover more of who I am and what I’m made of. I realize something new all of the time…good and bad…..and I’m working on how to use those things to help me grow and Lord knows that I don’t always get it right, but that’s what this journey is all about, living and learning.
For Real.
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