It’s just not right. How I can come so far and be happy with who I ARE and allow myself to be changed.
It’s just not right. How I allowed myself to be redefined when I had been still searching for me when WE became.
It’s just not right. How I set aside the light that shined in ME for the whole world to SEE just to transform into who you wanted me to BE. Cookie who?
It’s just not right….but, I loved B. too.
It’s just not right. How you thought it should be enough for me…. to have just you and she, and that I can find in you what I was missing in the uneventful life I had come to know. That’s my bad.
It’s just not right. How you loved me….the best way you knew how….but it wasn’t enough.
It’s just not right. How I loved you more than myself and it turned me resentful and angry and sad and pathetic and FAT!
The sad part is……It was all my fault.
I blame myself for allowing the change.
I blame myself for my redefining.
I blame myself for the dimmed light.
I’m still glad I loved B.
I blame myself for not being fulfilled.
I blame myself for not demanding more from your love.
I blame ME for what I allowed it to do to ME.
But, Today....I’m starting over…….
Friday, December 19, 2014
Thursday, December 19, 2013
The Devil Is a Lie!
I'm going through some things and I don't know why.
But, because of my faith, I know the Devil is a lie.
He's putting doubt in my head and fear in my heart,
I'm looking older in my eyes and it rips me apart.
I try to see the good in the bad things that come,
I always stand my ground.....and never shall I run.
The struggle is hard, but I know there's a lessin'
Because my God never leads me away from my blessin'
He sees me through all the tremors in my life,
I have felt my share of anger and strife.
But, BACK DOWN DEVIL and get out of my way,
The love I have for my God is here to stay!
I'll rise above this like Dr. Angelou said,
so, BACK DOWN DEVIL and get out of my head!
Cause, I may stutter my step and my foot may drag,
but, with God on my side, you can't mess with my swag.
But, because of my faith, I know the Devil is a lie.
He's putting doubt in my head and fear in my heart,
I'm looking older in my eyes and it rips me apart.
I try to see the good in the bad things that come,
I always stand my ground.....and never shall I run.
The struggle is hard, but I know there's a lessin'
Because my God never leads me away from my blessin'
He sees me through all the tremors in my life,
I have felt my share of anger and strife.
But, BACK DOWN DEVIL and get out of my way,
The love I have for my God is here to stay!
I'll rise above this like Dr. Angelou said,
so, BACK DOWN DEVIL and get out of my head!
Cause, I may stutter my step and my foot may drag,
but, with God on my side, you can't mess with my swag.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
My Prayer......My Faith
Breathe into Me, O God,
and empty me of angry judgments,
and aching disappointments,
and anxious trying,
and breathe into me
something like quietness
and confidence,
that the lion and the lamb in me
may lie down together
and be led by a trust
as straightforward as a little child.
Catch my pride and doubt off guard
that, at least for the moment,
I may sense your presence
and your caring,
and be surprised
by that sudden joy
that rises in me like a swelling tide
to wash me clean and sustain me in faith.
and empty me of angry judgments,
and aching disappointments,
and anxious trying,
and breathe into me
something like quietness
and confidence,
that the lion and the lamb in me
may lie down together
and be led by a trust
as straightforward as a little child.
Catch my pride and doubt off guard
that, at least for the moment,
I may sense your presence
and your caring,
and be surprised
by that sudden joy
that rises in me like a swelling tide
to wash me clean and sustain me in faith.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
LESSONS
I’ve learned that no matter what happens or how bad it seems today, life goes on and it will get better tomorrow. This past year has been a test for me to believe this. If I’m completely honest with myself, I’ve had a pretty good life that has always been abundant with love. However, the nature of life and true living is that bad things will, do and should happen. Those things come to us to teach us lessons and I hope I’m getting it.
I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you will miss them when they are gone from your life. I’m blessed to have both of my parents still with me, but the loss of my grandparents had an impact on me that took some time to get over and I still miss them every day. I cry sometimes, but I laugh A LOT thinking of them and how they helped shape me.
I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. I don’t want to be one of those people that work so hard to have a “nice” life that I miss out on that life trying to surround myself with things. Give me good, honest, loving people with good, honest and loving intentions and I will give you my best.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with catcher’s mitts on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back….good or bad. The experiences of my life have been good and I have put a lot of effort into returning that love and positive energy to those around me whether I know them or not. However, I have had to experience some not so good things as well and it’s a work in progress to throw those things away.
I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance and it’s up to you to take advantage of it. Everything that God brings you to….He will bring you through but you’ve got to be willing to help Him out a little.
I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. No matter what the outcome is, I am usually made a better person. I am unncompromised by my own misleading’s in life, because the decisions that I have made because I listened to my heart is just me listening to what God speaks to me to do.
I’ve learned that people will forget what you say, they will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you’ve made them feel. I’d like to think that’s the reason that I feel so much love from so many people and that’s my motivation to keep doing it. I recognize, in the most humble way, that I have a tremendous number of people in my life that love me and enjoy being around me and I appreciate it. I take it all in because I know that I deserve to be loved just like everything around me deserves that love.
You see….everything and everyone is a reflection of God and I love God as He loves me.
This is my life. It’s my one time to be me and I want to live and experience every minute of it. I want to love life…..engage in it and give it all I’ve got. I want to love it with passion because I’ve learned that life really does give back a million time more what you put into it.
I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.
I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you will miss them when they are gone from your life. I’m blessed to have both of my parents still with me, but the loss of my grandparents had an impact on me that took some time to get over and I still miss them every day. I cry sometimes, but I laugh A LOT thinking of them and how they helped shape me.
I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. I don’t want to be one of those people that work so hard to have a “nice” life that I miss out on that life trying to surround myself with things. Give me good, honest, loving people with good, honest and loving intentions and I will give you my best.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with catcher’s mitts on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back….good or bad. The experiences of my life have been good and I have put a lot of effort into returning that love and positive energy to those around me whether I know them or not. However, I have had to experience some not so good things as well and it’s a work in progress to throw those things away.
I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance and it’s up to you to take advantage of it. Everything that God brings you to….He will bring you through but you’ve got to be willing to help Him out a little.
I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. No matter what the outcome is, I am usually made a better person. I am unncompromised by my own misleading’s in life, because the decisions that I have made because I listened to my heart is just me listening to what God speaks to me to do.
I’ve learned that people will forget what you say, they will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you’ve made them feel. I’d like to think that’s the reason that I feel so much love from so many people and that’s my motivation to keep doing it. I recognize, in the most humble way, that I have a tremendous number of people in my life that love me and enjoy being around me and I appreciate it. I take it all in because I know that I deserve to be loved just like everything around me deserves that love.
You see….everything and everyone is a reflection of God and I love God as He loves me.
This is my life. It’s my one time to be me and I want to live and experience every minute of it. I want to love life…..engage in it and give it all I’ve got. I want to love it with passion because I’ve learned that life really does give back a million time more what you put into it.
I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Still Blessed.....and I say Thank you!
In anticipation of my travels to see my family for Thanksgiving, I started thinking about what I would write for Thanksgiving in my blog. I was searching for the right Maya Angelou quote to get my creative juices flowing. I went to my usual places but did not find just the right thing that would express what I am most thankful for. Well, I sure am glad that I did not start writing this before tonight, November 22, 2012, the night before Thanksgiving, because there is no way I could have written about the somewhat overwhelming amount of love I am feeling being with my family.
So, my first “thank you” to God is that I was able to visit my family and be among the ones that love me most. My mother, whose unconditional love continues to lift me beyond what I think is even imaginable…..I love you and thank God for you.
My Aunt, Annmarie Smith, for always knowing that I am now and forever will be “Shoonky”. We don’t talk nearly enough, but I’m happy that the love is not based on the number of times a call is made or a Facebook status update is “Liked”. I love you dearly.
My dad….for being there just in time and any time before that means nothing to me. I’m proud of you and love you.
My brothers and sisters for not letting the fact that we are just really getting to know each other stop the love we feel each and every time I am among you. I am so incredibly proud of all of you and love you without condition for exactly who and what you all are now and will become with the grace of God.
The new man in my life….I am thankful that God has brought you and your family into my life and I am looking forward to the journey with you all. I am proud of you for being such a great and hardworking father. Through the stress and the mess please know that you’re blessed. You inspire me and I love you.
My cousins, way too many to name, for being “ride or die” no matter what and always there with words of encouragement and for being some of the first to say to me “We already knew you were gay, we were just waiting for you to say something….with yo gay ass!” LOL…..Love you all for holding my hand through that process at points in my life when you didn’t even realize you were doing it. Much love to all of you!
So……I did just find a quote that explains why I should be thankful and why I spend my life trying to do good for others. It’s, of course, a quote from Dr. Maya Angelou:
While I know myself as a creation of God, I am also obligated to realize and remember every one else and everything else are also God's creation.
What that means to me is that I owe it to God to do good and to be the rainbow in someone’s cloudy day. I have had plenty of people step in to be my rainbow and I have never forgotten that. That quote also makes me reflect on those that are less fortunate than I am. I will sit among family and friends and feel a tremendous amount of love. My belly will be stuffed with mac and chees, collard greens and neckbones, cornbread and all sorts of cakes and pies and other goodies…..someone else will sit outside in the cold with nothing. I was blessed enough to wake up this morning, someone else had family crying over their bodies because they have gone on to glory.
For those things….I say thank you God. For choosing me to continue to be in your grace and for continuing to help me work some good in someone’s life even if it’s just a smile and “Good morning” . Thank you for helping me to understand that whatever I am or will ever be in this life will be done in your will and by your grace. I pray that you will continue to help those people out there that are less fortunate than me…..or who may be dealing with addictions…..or has a broken heart that will not heal. God, please continue to look over those affected with disease that keeps their bodies in pain, please keep their souls at ease.
Finally, God….please continue to be the head of my life. I am pretty proud of the way I live and I think I do a pretty good job at showing others the love and blessings that I am so very lucky to have and God I know that all that I have comes only from your grace. Thank you for bringing me from where I’ve been and helping me to choose the right things to do in life and when I made the wrong choices, thank you for turning those in the lessons learned…….afterall, there is no Testimony without a TEST. God, keep reminding me that without you in my life nothing is possible. I just want to take the time to say thank you for my life.
Happy Thanksgiving to you all and keep it blessed!
So, my first “thank you” to God is that I was able to visit my family and be among the ones that love me most. My mother, whose unconditional love continues to lift me beyond what I think is even imaginable…..I love you and thank God for you.
My Aunt, Annmarie Smith, for always knowing that I am now and forever will be “Shoonky”. We don’t talk nearly enough, but I’m happy that the love is not based on the number of times a call is made or a Facebook status update is “Liked”. I love you dearly.
My dad….for being there just in time and any time before that means nothing to me. I’m proud of you and love you.
My brothers and sisters for not letting the fact that we are just really getting to know each other stop the love we feel each and every time I am among you. I am so incredibly proud of all of you and love you without condition for exactly who and what you all are now and will become with the grace of God.
The new man in my life….I am thankful that God has brought you and your family into my life and I am looking forward to the journey with you all. I am proud of you for being such a great and hardworking father. Through the stress and the mess please know that you’re blessed. You inspire me and I love you.
My cousins, way too many to name, for being “ride or die” no matter what and always there with words of encouragement and for being some of the first to say to me “We already knew you were gay, we were just waiting for you to say something….with yo gay ass!” LOL…..Love you all for holding my hand through that process at points in my life when you didn’t even realize you were doing it. Much love to all of you!
So……I did just find a quote that explains why I should be thankful and why I spend my life trying to do good for others. It’s, of course, a quote from Dr. Maya Angelou:
While I know myself as a creation of God, I am also obligated to realize and remember every one else and everything else are also God's creation.
What that means to me is that I owe it to God to do good and to be the rainbow in someone’s cloudy day. I have had plenty of people step in to be my rainbow and I have never forgotten that. That quote also makes me reflect on those that are less fortunate than I am. I will sit among family and friends and feel a tremendous amount of love. My belly will be stuffed with mac and chees, collard greens and neckbones, cornbread and all sorts of cakes and pies and other goodies…..someone else will sit outside in the cold with nothing. I was blessed enough to wake up this morning, someone else had family crying over their bodies because they have gone on to glory.
For those things….I say thank you God. For choosing me to continue to be in your grace and for continuing to help me work some good in someone’s life even if it’s just a smile and “Good morning” . Thank you for helping me to understand that whatever I am or will ever be in this life will be done in your will and by your grace. I pray that you will continue to help those people out there that are less fortunate than me…..or who may be dealing with addictions…..or has a broken heart that will not heal. God, please continue to look over those affected with disease that keeps their bodies in pain, please keep their souls at ease.
Finally, God….please continue to be the head of my life. I am pretty proud of the way I live and I think I do a pretty good job at showing others the love and blessings that I am so very lucky to have and God I know that all that I have comes only from your grace. Thank you for bringing me from where I’ve been and helping me to choose the right things to do in life and when I made the wrong choices, thank you for turning those in the lessons learned…….afterall, there is no Testimony without a TEST. God, keep reminding me that without you in my life nothing is possible. I just want to take the time to say thank you for my life.
Happy Thanksgiving to you all and keep it blessed!
Friday, September 14, 2012
Don't Pinch Me
Don't pinch me...if it means I have to wake from this dream.
Don't disturb this slumber that has cause my heart to believe in love again.
Let me continue to blissfully remember our flight to the mountain and
The visit to the shoreline mounted guns that serve now not to protect the coast,
But to protect our hearts from the pain we've known before.
Don't pinch me....because I want to continue to float in your presence
And, slip deep into your arms that are now my REM.
People pass by and notice my closed eyes flutter and know that I'm engulfed by you
Don't pinch me.....I'm afraid the reality with shock my system and send me back into the moments before you and make me remember how one sided my life was. You don't complete me, but you enhance me in new and fun ways.
Please, don't pinch me. I don't want to wake from this dream of love that I'm experiencing because I have been away and awake too long.
Let me sleep in this, breath this....it sustains me.
Don't disturb this slumber that has cause my heart to believe in love again.
Let me continue to blissfully remember our flight to the mountain and
The visit to the shoreline mounted guns that serve now not to protect the coast,
But to protect our hearts from the pain we've known before.
Don't pinch me....because I want to continue to float in your presence
And, slip deep into your arms that are now my REM.
People pass by and notice my closed eyes flutter and know that I'm engulfed by you
Don't pinch me.....I'm afraid the reality with shock my system and send me back into the moments before you and make me remember how one sided my life was. You don't complete me, but you enhance me in new and fun ways.
Please, don't pinch me. I don't want to wake from this dream of love that I'm experiencing because I have been away and awake too long.
Let me sleep in this, breath this....it sustains me.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
When you do good.....You get good
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel” – Maya Angelou
Facebook has really proven to be a great way for information to get spread. It’s a great way to stay on top on where people ate dinner last night, it documents those moments that piss us off and the ones that make us burst at the seams with joy. Sometimes we see some very informative information about what’s going on in and around our community; we read some of the funniest posts that get shared over and over again; sometimes, there is the randomness of everyone’s favorite “vague-posting” of inside jokes and hints about some great date or event that makes us all wonder what it’s all about.
There are also those posts about bravery and overcoming disability to achieve a personal goal that inspires us all to dig a little deeper and to battle the very things that have a tendency to weigh the heaviest on us all. There are also those posts that can seem bitchy and mean spirited or just full of horrible news that is heartbreaking.
Over the years that I have been on Facebook, I have discovered that it has become a platform of sorts for me to spread whatever positive thoughts I may have about my life or the life I observe going on around me. I have even had some people say to me that something I have posted on Facebook has in some way inspire them to do something nice for someone or helped them to look at things with a bit more optimism or be something better. I love that.
Most recently, I was blessed to get hire at a company that I wanted to work for since the job I was formerly at moved across the street from it 2 years ago. The circumstances around how I got hired are directly related to the quote that inspired this post.
I was really distraught about being laid off. I loved working for the Institute for Systems Biology. I was inspired daily by the smart men and women that were revolutionizing medicine and changing the world. I felt good going to work every single day.
I was afraid. I live alone and I need to pay my bills….I was also helping my mom…..what was she gonna do? I opened up to my friends and the miracles started. The first email went to my friend Eric R., he's a recruiter and I knew he could comfort and offer guidance during my search. I had contracts offered a few days after sending that email. I was able to talk to him about my fears and he NEVER let me think that I would not find a job. Where my faith may have come into question, he was there with faith enough for both of us……yes, ma’am….an angel!
The other person that I reached out to is directly responsible for me getting in to Amazon is Mike A. He put my resume on the desk of the guy that is now my boss. He endorsed me….based on who I am. My resume was one thing, but he let them know that I was good people by forwarding my resume. I interviewed and got the job….Mike opened the door. I thank God for putting him in the picture for me to make this happen.
Not to mention……that ex-husband of mine, who continues, 2 years after our separation, continues to show me much love. Brings tears to my eyes that I was and still am loved by such a great person.
The bottom line here is that when you do good, you get good. I have said that a million times and my faith is strengthened in that all the time, especially when I have people basically coming to my rescue like Eric, Mike, K-Bos and Chad did. The advice and encouragement they gave, not to mention the number of people that sent up prayers for me makes me know that I make a positive difference in their lives, at least enough that they took on my burden and did what they could for me.
I will continue to put out the most positive energy that I can….because it does come back to you. I challenge you all to try that out. Being nice and doing good does make a difference, not just to the person on the receiving end, it will make you a better person, For Real
Facebook has really proven to be a great way for information to get spread. It’s a great way to stay on top on where people ate dinner last night, it documents those moments that piss us off and the ones that make us burst at the seams with joy. Sometimes we see some very informative information about what’s going on in and around our community; we read some of the funniest posts that get shared over and over again; sometimes, there is the randomness of everyone’s favorite “vague-posting” of inside jokes and hints about some great date or event that makes us all wonder what it’s all about.
There are also those posts about bravery and overcoming disability to achieve a personal goal that inspires us all to dig a little deeper and to battle the very things that have a tendency to weigh the heaviest on us all. There are also those posts that can seem bitchy and mean spirited or just full of horrible news that is heartbreaking.
Over the years that I have been on Facebook, I have discovered that it has become a platform of sorts for me to spread whatever positive thoughts I may have about my life or the life I observe going on around me. I have even had some people say to me that something I have posted on Facebook has in some way inspire them to do something nice for someone or helped them to look at things with a bit more optimism or be something better. I love that.
Most recently, I was blessed to get hire at a company that I wanted to work for since the job I was formerly at moved across the street from it 2 years ago. The circumstances around how I got hired are directly related to the quote that inspired this post.
I was really distraught about being laid off. I loved working for the Institute for Systems Biology. I was inspired daily by the smart men and women that were revolutionizing medicine and changing the world. I felt good going to work every single day.
I was afraid. I live alone and I need to pay my bills….I was also helping my mom…..what was she gonna do? I opened up to my friends and the miracles started. The first email went to my friend Eric R., he's a recruiter and I knew he could comfort and offer guidance during my search. I had contracts offered a few days after sending that email. I was able to talk to him about my fears and he NEVER let me think that I would not find a job. Where my faith may have come into question, he was there with faith enough for both of us……yes, ma’am….an angel!
The other person that I reached out to is directly responsible for me getting in to Amazon is Mike A. He put my resume on the desk of the guy that is now my boss. He endorsed me….based on who I am. My resume was one thing, but he let them know that I was good people by forwarding my resume. I interviewed and got the job….Mike opened the door. I thank God for putting him in the picture for me to make this happen.
Not to mention……that ex-husband of mine, who continues, 2 years after our separation, continues to show me much love. Brings tears to my eyes that I was and still am loved by such a great person.
The bottom line here is that when you do good, you get good. I have said that a million times and my faith is strengthened in that all the time, especially when I have people basically coming to my rescue like Eric, Mike, K-Bos and Chad did. The advice and encouragement they gave, not to mention the number of people that sent up prayers for me makes me know that I make a positive difference in their lives, at least enough that they took on my burden and did what they could for me.
I will continue to put out the most positive energy that I can….because it does come back to you. I challenge you all to try that out. Being nice and doing good does make a difference, not just to the person on the receiving end, it will make you a better person, For Real
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