A Celebration of Life

I am blessed to see yet another year and to God goes the glory. The examination of my life over the last year makes my jaw drop thinking about where I am now versus where I was this time last year. I would have never thought that I would be in this place at this time. No matter how much I prayed that God would order my steps onto a new path, I am happy where I am today……and to God goes the glory.

The celebration this year will be for the one that God chose to bring me into this world and to guide me through this life. Now, I don’t remember what happened on the day I was born, but I do know that I was connected, comforted and made safe in that moment in her arms. I imagined that she held me and cried….she does that. My guess is that she was scared….she was just barely 18 years old and didn’t even know how to take care of herself, let alone a new born baby. I also assume that she never really knew what real love was until that moment. She was assured that, besides her momma and daddy, there was going to be one more person in this world that will love her for the rest of her life.

One of the greatest things about her is that, despite the demons she had to battle, despite the bumps and bruises she endured in the name of love, despite the struggles and insecurities that try to stall her……she always puts me first and loves me unconditionally. When I told her that I was gay, there wasn’t a moment of hesitation in her love for me. Never once did she question me……she just said that she loves me no matter what. Unconditionally…..without condition, her love is never quid pro quo.

I am the person that I am because of the grace of God and I thank God every single day for my momma.

Momma, thank you for always being there for me……”thank you” just doesn’t seem to say enough, but I am pretty sure that there are no words that can truly express the gratitude that I have for you. From the first birthday until this one, you have been that voice of reason, the counselor when I had no idea what to do or where to go, the shoulder for my tears and the best friend I’ll ever know. How blessed am I to have you in my life…..

The bond that a child develops with his mother can never be severed. I grew as an organism inside her for nine months. She carried me and sustained me, sharing her sustenance with me through my umbilical cord. When I was born, that cord was severed, but it never severed in our hearts. That bond will lasts forever. Sometimes, my life can become crazy and I’m all over the place from time to time and it may seem as though I forgot the woman that cared for me and nurtured me through everything. I will never forget and with each passing year, the bond gets stronger.

So, my birthday blessing this year and every year before this and every year that is yet to come is for the one solid force in my life that has always been steadfast in her love for me...…my momma.

I pray that God will continue to keep you, momma, close to Him and safe in His arms as you and I continue on this journey in life. Thank you for praying for me in times when I did not know if God could hear my own prayers. For all the ups and downs; for all the rights and the wrongs……you are my girl and I love you……For Real.

The Reality of Friendship or The Living Eulogy

The Reality
At the Funeral: I can’t believe that he is gone, I mean…..I just saw him yesterday at Starbucks. He always had such a great attitude and a smile that lit up the sky. No….I didn’t have a chance to say hello, I was on my way to….in fact, I haven’t talked to him in months. Oh, Remember that time when we all went to……Damn, I wish I had just one more chance to tell him how much I love him.

Kind words are wasted on the dead. Of course, they make us smile as we drift into memory and look back on the many times that we’ve shared; remembering all of the intricacies and nuances….the things about them that we loved so much. The very things that drew us into their world to begin with and drew them into ours. One of the magnificent things about God’s glory is that every single day that we are blessed to see another day break, we have a chance to celebrate those people in our lives. We have the chance to share those words with each other that make us so happy to know the ones in our lives. The reality, it is hard to keep up with every single person you know. When you have life happening around you, it’s difficult to sometimes even keep up with your own day to day grind.

The Friendship
You may meet someone and instantly, in that moment, you know that you will be best friends forever. Other friendships develop over an extended period of time. In some friendships you feel a sense of equality, while in others there may be a clear sense that one is giving more to the friendship then the other. There are no rules about how a friendship is supposed to work. If we are able to share our lives with another human being, by all means, we should do that. All friendships are unique and special in their own way. Each one is valuable. Friends help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have the absolute and total freedom to be yourself and especially to feel whatever is in the moment for you to feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he or she really is. I have that sort of friendship with a handful of people that I am absolutely able to be vulnerable and real with and share my emotions with.

Time is not on our side when it comes to sharing love…it’s a race against the clock. I don’t want another minute to go by without me letting Troy Z know that when I was going through a bad relationship, it was his texts, calls and words of love that helped me get out and heal. The sunshine you bring to my life helps me grow. I don’t want Jared W to go another day without knowing just how important his mere presence is to me. Erik and Cesario B, shouldn’t go another moment without understanding how much I appreciate finding sanctuary in their home and hearts in the good times and the bad times. Eminent S…..she should know, today, that your soul inspires me. Jessica C has to know that her love releases me into my truth every time I see, talk or text you. Jim H, please recognize that the truth you share with me allows me to share my truth with you…weather you like it or not (LOL). Jacob S, please remember that in the moments that I am down or happy or indifferent, when I see you I smile. David K, you will always be my one true love which makes the friendship that much sweeter. Thanks for making it easy. Jean and Marshane...it's been years, the history will keep us connected forever.

I refuse to waste these words at a funeral…..you all deserve to know now. I won’t eulogize you and let everyone else know how great you are.

You need to know now….For Real!

Kidnapped

You kidnapped me.

You’ve stolen me away from the often mediocre conversations that come with a first meeting. I wanted to struggle and fight, but your words overpowered me and your eyes captivated me, I was pulled me in.

You've tied me up and gagged me with the possibility of a probably connection and I don’t want to break free. I just want sit in your world, hear your words and embrace the tightening of the ties that have me bound.

You've held hostage the lingering wonderment that roams my heart and mind asking the question “is there anybody out there?”. I’m caught breathless as I await the answer.

I pray the ransom is too high to pay for my release back into the loving arms of the self-induced loneliness that I’ve convinced myself into thinking is what I need to discover myself again. I’ve never been more sure of me, but your presence is a reminder of 19. The hours passed so quickly.

Then, you kissed me and I have fallen for my captor.

Starting Over.....

It’s just not right. How I can come so far and be happy with who I ARE and allow myself to be changed.

It’s just not right. How I allowed myself to be redefined when I had been still searching for me when WE became.

It’s just not right. How I set aside the light that shined in ME for the whole world to SEE just to transform into who you wanted me to BE. Cookie who?

It’s just not right….but, I loved B. too.

It’s just not right. How you thought it should be enough for me…. to have just you and she, and that I can find in you what I was missing in the uneventful life I had come to know. That’s my bad.

It’s just not right. How you loved me….the best way you knew how….but it wasn’t enough.

It’s just not right. How I loved you more than myself and it turned me resentful and angry and sad and pathetic and FAT!

The sad part is……It was all my fault.

I blame myself for allowing the change.

I blame myself for my redefining.

I blame myself for the dimmed light.

I’m still glad I loved B.

I blame myself for not being fulfilled.

I blame myself for not demanding more from your love.

I blame ME for what I allowed it to do to ME.

But, Today....I’m starting over…….

The Devil Is a Lie!

I'm going through some things and I don't know why.
But, because of my faith, I know the Devil is a lie.
He's putting doubt in my head and fear in my heart,
I'm looking older in my eyes and it rips me apart.
I try to see the good in the bad things that come,
I always stand my ground.....and never shall I run.

The struggle is hard, but I know there's a lessin'
Because my God never leads me away from my blessin'
He sees me through all the tremors in my life,
I have felt my share of anger and strife.

But, BACK DOWN DEVIL and get out of my way,
The love I have for my God is here to stay!
I'll rise above this like Dr. Angelou said,
so, BACK DOWN DEVIL and get out of my head!

Cause, I may stutter my step and my foot may drag,
but, with God on my side, you can't mess with my swag.

My Prayer......My Faith

Breathe into Me, O God,
and empty me of angry judgments,
and aching disappointments,
and anxious trying,
and breathe into me
something like quietness
and confidence,
that the lion and the lamb in me
may lie down together
and be led by a trust
as straightforward as a little child.

Catch my pride and doubt off guard
that, at least for the moment,
I may sense your presence
and your caring,
and be surprised
by that sudden joy
that rises in me like a swelling tide
to wash me clean and sustain me in faith.

LESSONS

I’ve learned that no matter what happens or how bad it seems today, life goes on and it will get better tomorrow. This past year has been a test for me to believe this. If I’m completely honest with myself, I’ve had a pretty good life that has always been abundant with love. However, the nature of life and true living is that bad things will, do and should happen. Those things come to us to teach us lessons and I hope I’m getting it.

I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you will miss them when they are gone from your life. I’m blessed to have both of my parents still with me, but the loss of my grandparents had an impact on me that took some time to get over and I still miss them every day. I cry sometimes, but I laugh A LOT thinking of them and how they helped shape me.

I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. I don’t want to be one of those people that work so hard to have a “nice” life that I miss out on that life trying to surround myself with things. Give me good, honest, loving people with good, honest and loving intentions and I will give you my best.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with catcher’s mitts on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back….good or bad. The experiences of my life have been good and I have put a lot of effort into returning that love and positive energy to those around me whether I know them or not. However, I have had to experience some not so good things as well and it’s a work in progress to throw those things away.

I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance and it’s up to you to take advantage of it. Everything that God brings you to….He will bring you through but you’ve got to be willing to help Him out a little.

I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. No matter what the outcome is, I am usually made a better person. I am unncompromised by my own misleading’s in life, because the decisions that I have made because I listened to my heart is just me listening to what God speaks to me to do.

I’ve learned that people will forget what you say, they will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you’ve made them feel. I’d like to think that’s the reason that I feel so much love from so many people and that’s my motivation to keep doing it. I recognize, in the most humble way, that I have a tremendous number of people in my life that love me and enjoy being around me and I appreciate it. I take it all in because I know that I deserve to be loved just like everything around me deserves that love.

You see….everything and everyone is a reflection of God and I love God as He loves me.

This is my life. It’s my one time to be me and I want to live and experience every minute of it. I want to love life…..engage in it and give it all I’ve got. I want to love it with passion because I’ve learned that life really does give back a million time more what you put into it.

I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.