Ransom

You’ve kidnapped me.

You’ve stolen me away from the far too mediocre conversations that come with first meetings. The kind of small talk dedicated to elevators that have no substance and no chance of being more than a "woof". I wanted to struggle and fight because history has taught me that love just don't seem to love me anymore, but your words overpowered me and your eyes captivated me, and I was pulled in.

You've tied me up and gagged me with the possibility of a probable connection and now I don’t want to break free. I just want sit in your world, hear your words and embrace the tightening of the ties that now have me bound.

You've held hostage the lingering wonderment that roams my heart and mind asking the question “is there anybody out there?”. I’ve been caught breathless as I await the answer.

I pray the ransom is too high to pay for my release back into the loving arms of the self-induced loneliness that I’ve convinced myself into thinking is what I need to discover myself again. I’ve never been more sure of me, but your presence is a reminder of 19. The hours seem to pass so quickly.

Then, you kissed me and I have fallen for my captor.

The Power: Self-Reflection

There is power in self-reflection, I am convinced. The fact that you can take a moment and look at how far you have come is an amazing learning opportunity. You can measure the growth that has come with every scar earned when the battle was just heavy enough to ALMOST take you out; there is healing in every tear shed when the battle was too much for you on that day and retreating into yourself was the only way to save up to fight another day. The blessing for me is that, as I look around, the darkest days I’ve seen have been better than someone else’s best day and I am so happy and encouraged as a human that I can acknowledge from where my blessings come.

The journey that I have been on in the recent months is proof to me that every aspect of life can truly be in a place of complete and utter bliss without the misunderstandings of “perfection”. Life is not perfect….ever….and as good as any one day can be, there is always the desire for more. The desire to have something else that will make your life better…not perfect. If work and love are the best they have ever been, finances may not be; your money is great and you love going to work every day, but Cupid has skipped over your heart once again or you wish your lover did or said something better. I’m so used to job, money, and love always being out of sync that I’m not sure how to act when all three things line up….and here’s where I find myself missing out every single time. I begin to worry about what happens when they don’t work again and I start trying to manufacture ways to keep things good at the cost of authentic happiness. I seem to always manage to sabotage my own happiness working diligently to make sure I don’t lose. Meanwhile, the bliss that I once had has slipped away from my grasp without me even realizing it. Then, the cycle begins again.

My question is; what is the secret to “living in the moment”? How is it possible to enjoy the blessings today without worrying about what you would do tomorrow if happiness slips away again?

Confused yet? I mean…I want to live today so good that yesterday is jealous it’s over and tomorrow is excited to arrive without fear or disillusion of what’s to come.

I think that as I get older, there are 2 things that continue to grow within me; my faith in God and my confidence and security in who I am as a person. It’s no secret that I lean very heavy upon my faith in God. It has been tested and proven more times than I care to honestly remember so it remains unshakable. I have been down so low that all I had was packets of catsup in my refrigerator to eat and God saw a way for me to make it over. I’ve been without a single penny to my name until payday and still managed to survive. I know that those things have happened to me to help me in some way and I appreciate every struggle. The struggle and survival are what has helped me gain a firm footing in myself and has given me the confidence that no matter what happens, I will always make it over. Is this recent lining up of the stars a reward for enduring the hard times? Perhaps.

But, if that is the case, I am going to take this moment and give myself just a little bit of credit for all of the mountains I have had to climb and all of the currents that I’ve had to swim against ….I have made it this far…..I have conquered so many demons and I have awoken from so many nightmares that I want to enjoy dreaming a peaceful dream; After all “ain’t no need to worry what the night is going to bring……it will be all over in the morning.”

Always giving honor to my God for my mind, body, and soul and I pray for continued clarity as I take the next steps in my journey.

Mirrors

In my life I’ve learned that bitter hearts won’t hold a smile and troubled minds will wear us all down. One of the most challenging things that I face is being able to look back at my past life and understand that everything I have experienced has led to the very moment I am in right now. That’s not a bad thing. Letting my past help me get ahead and go forward with the knowledge that I may not be quite where I want to be, but I well beyond where I used to be and I welcome the future with a scary excitement that helps me keep my eye on the prize. What lessons have I learned? The reality is that I make attempts to learn from my mistakes all of the time and I hold back my tears (when I can) and I think “You have to find a way to make it. These clouds won’t last and will let up for a while”. I’m not always successful with that, but with each attempt I become less afraid to try. Sometimes you have to make the mirror your best friend and maybe….just maybe, that’s when you’ll find peace of mind. Loving yourself when it seems that no one else can….that’s peace of mind. For Real.

I’m not saying that is the remedy for everyone, truth be told, it’s not always my remedy. I portray strength and I reflect on things and remember what my mentors, family and close friends have taught me but I never know the right answer. I pray. I tell myself that no matter what, I will achieve and with every failure, I brush my shoulders off because there will always be bridges that I will have to cross and I will always find a way to make it because….the clouds always let up for a while.
Life as I experience it is about humanity and spirituality. Connecting with people and understanding my insignificance AND relevance in the grand scheme of things puts me both in a position to learn something and to teach something. I just want to do what’s right even when it’s not the popular thing to do…..even when I want to slap the hell out of all of it….even when I know that it won’t be in my favor. My God….that is the hardest thing ever!

I suppose that the immediate benefit of doing what is right is the feeling that I get when I know that what I did…or said had a positive impact on someone else’s day. So, attempt to be nice whenever the opportunity presents itself. After all, the people we see every day are fighting battles that we never know about and that smile could be the one thing good that happens for them that day. I assure you….it can change a life.

All praise to the The Most High for always being the focal point in my life and for helping me to remember that the clouds always let up….for a while. For Real

Here we go again

And…it has happened…again.

The devastation that weighs heavy on my soul is the shatter of hearts and homes. The despair on the faces of my brothers and sisters that reads like a very bad horror novel. Hope is all we have if we trust in it like the infancy of a new born baby and nourish it with faith, we can not only rebuild the home and hearts…we can rebuild the spirt and mend the soul. But, that is just not enough anymore.

There are 58 souls to add to the reasons that things need to change. But there are countless numbers of hearts that will never be the same again. The world appreciates the thoughts and prayers, but thoughts don’t change laws and prayers can’t call or kiss or embrace the loved ones lost.

Evil perched himself high above the innocent and took its time. Arranged its nest to slaughter its prey and to make them feel the wrath of what I can only imagine was a chaotic caldron of calculated callousness. He was a coward.

I can’t help but to wonder why. I want to understand what would make a person do something so absolutely heinous. To be honest, no explanation would ever be enough…but I just want to know. Why was he sooooo determined to ruin the lives of so many people…..people that he never even met. He never met that couple married for 32 years…high school sweethearts. Now, he has to talk about his beloved wife and best friend in past tense. He never met the 23 year old daughter and college student with nothing but promise and possibility ahead of her. He never met the 56 other souls that he determined meant nothing to this world or the people in it.
But, this is just another news story. This is just another reason for those of us against the current gun laws to say “see, we need new laws” and for those that “believe in the 2nd amendment” to say “Leave our guns alone”. What more does it take? How many lives have to be shattered before we can sit down and realize that it’s easier to change the laws to keep guns out of the hands of people that shouldn’t have them than it is to change the hearts and minds of evil?

The leader of our country is not going to help us to soothe and he certainly isn’t going to do anything to change the laws. What more does he need? And….if one more person says ANYTHING about the number of gun deaths in Chicago I’m going to explode! Yes…gun violence in cities like Chicago and Houston are pretty high. In fact, 58 people were killed in Chicago over a 28 day period. In Las Vegas, 58 people died due to gun violence in about 11 minutes. All of those lives lost are sad, but why pinpoint Chicago? My opinion is that when you quote the stats for Chicago, it tends to be a great argument for the reason why more people in America should run out and buy more guns to “keep them safe”. What about the 58 souls lost in Las Vegas? What does the level of gun violence have to do with the fact that 1 man was able to purchase in excess of 20 gun…of all types? Why did this one man need that many guns? I don’t know a lot….but I do know that he was not protecting himself from anything. He was not guarding his home and personal property…he was perched high above a crowd of unsuspecting people enjoying a concert. WTF?

I have no answers….just questions. It’s hard for me to phantom this sort of evil. Maya Angelou says “we are all human, therefore, nothing human can be alien to us”. So….if this sort of evil can be in this man….this much more love can be in all of us.

I understand that prayers can’t change laws…but they touch the soul. So, giving praise to the Most High, I end with this scripture:
Be Anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable….if anything is excellent or praiseworthy…think on these things.

Highway To Heaven

When I think of death, and of late the idea has come with alarming frequency, I seem at peace with the idea that a day will dawn when I will no longer be among those living in this valley of strange humors. I can accept the idea of my own demise, but I am unable to accept the death of anyone else. I find it impossible to let a friend or relative go into that country of no return.
Disbelief becomes my close companion, and anger follows in its wake.
I answer the heroic question 'Death, where is thy sting? ' with ' it is here in my heart and mind and memories. - Maya Angelou

I struggle a bit with the topic of death simply because I am not sure how I can or would handle losing people that are close to me. But, I ran across the above quote from Maya Angelou that really puts into perspective why I feel the way I do….it kinda gives me justification to feel this way. However, part of the responsibility of living is excepting the idea that at some point, my life will be over and I will expire…..cease to breath……die. However, the other part and most important part responsibility of living is……living. Aaron and Sydi Collins….AC and CoCo did just that. The untimely death of these souls should simply be a footnote in the 40 plus years that they have lived on this earth. We cannot let 40 plus years of two wonderful lives be forgotten as we focus on the day they died.

Until just a few days ago, I have not had to deal with very much death. However, no matter how much I think about it and try to wrap my rational brain around it, the fact is I miss those that leave this world as I am sure that I would be missed. The tears that line our face are there because we won’t have the physical connection with them anymore. We are not going to be able to make more memories or remember WITH them the times that we’ve shared with them. Now, we have to get used to referring to them using words like “used to”….or starting sentences by saying “AC and CoCo would have loved this”.

In Dr. Angelou’s quote, she says that she “seems to be at peace with the idea that a day will dawn when I will no longer be among those living in the valley of strange humor.” However, she cannot accept the death of anyone else. I get that. I would much rather leave this world than have to deal with the loss of someone that I love or care deeply for. And, to think that someone that loves me deeply will have to deal with my passing makes me sad…..it is a very depressing circle, For Real!

All that being said, today, I am facing that loss again; my dear, sweet cousin and his wife are gone to glory….riding the Harley to Heaven.

The tears I cry for them are scary for me because the selfish part of me knows that I will never talk to them again or hug them. I live by the creed “if it’s God’s will, let it be done”, but that does not help to ease the pain of losing someone that you have built a lifetime of memories with. You may have known them for 15 years or 15 days, the impact of them passing will still be felt. Dr. Angelou answers the question “Death, where is thy sting?” is very profound to met….the sting is in the memories that we will continue to live with and reflect on because they are gone.

As much as I am feeling this loss, my thought go to their siblings and most importantly to their parents. The natural order of things is that children should burry their parents and not the other way around. I will search for the right words to comfort or console them, but I know that I don’t have the words to share because there are none available that will help them to deal with the pain they are all feeling. I can only embrace them and pretend to be a shroud over them protecting them from every other pain they may be feeling because I know that this pain is cutting them deeply.
I pray that God will continue to keep us all close to him, especially the parents and siblings of Aaron and Sydni. I hope that God with continue to hold the hands of the chosen family that they have. The brothers and sisters that were truly ride or die with them. I pray that God will help us understand that in all that He does it is marvelous and though we may not understand it and we may be angry and ask God “WHY” I hope that He carries us that extra mile to understanding and at the end of the day, we will continue to praise Him and be thankful for the blessings that we have. I will pray that we all will hold on the God’s unchanging hand and find comfort in Him. God, please show us all that this, too, shall pass and help us to find peace in knowing that Aaron and Sydni are gone but will truly never be forgotten. Giving all praise to the Most Hight for all of His blessings. Amen.

My Truth

Sometimes….

I feel blessed. As if God is touching my life in ways that don’t see reason or understanding. When the morning finds me with new breath and a new opportunity to see the greatness of Him and the day holds mysteries that I am both anxious and afraid to face. Blessed that when I get a message from my momma just to say hello, I know that she too knows the grace of God and breathes it all in.

I feel cheated. As if the life I long for in the deepest parts of my desires have been given to someone else. The marriages, the children, the houses, the vacations, the bodies, the salaries and I wonder “why not me?”.

I feel angry. As if those things that are out of my control are my fault still and I begin to blame myself. I take things so personally at times and I feel helpless. I’m afraid of anger because I know how difficult it can be for me to see my way back from such hard place. I pray.

I feel sad. And, I cry.

I feel joy. It rumbles from inside my soul and shoots out the tips of my fingers and toes and from the top of my head. My eyes reflect all of it and if you look deep enough you can almost see it. It’s like a tender kiss from God as a reminder that no matter what, I am not forgotten.

I feel Peace. It washes over me in moments…and stops me in my tracks, mid-step sometimes and it cradles me like the mother of a new born baby. It’s gentle and surreal. It comes to me amid chaos and soothes me back into myself. It helps me appreciate my blessings, accept MY journey, holds my anger at bay, comforts my tears and celebrates my joy. It represents the truest existence of God I know.

One Day My Soul Just Opened Up.....

It’s often that I find it hard to explain my faith in God and why I have that faith. All I can say is…..
One Day my soul just opened up….

And things started happening, things I can’t quite explain.
I mean…I cried and cried like never before
I cried tears of ten thousand mothers
I couldn’t even feel anything because
I cried ‘til I was numb.

One Day my soul just opened up…

I felt this overwhelming pride
What I was proud of, only God knows!
Like the pride of ten thousand fathers
Basking in the glory of their newborn sons
I was grinnin’ from ear to ear!

One Day my soul just opened up…

I started laughing
And I laughed for what seemed like forever
Wasn’t nothing particularly funny going on
But I laughed anyhow
I laughed the joy of a million children playing in the mud
I laughed until my sides ached
Oh, God! It felt so good!

One Day my soul just opened up…

There were revelations, annihilations, and resolutions
Feelings of doubt and betrayal, vengeance and forgiveness
Memories of things I’d seen and done before
Of places I’d been, although I didn’t know when
There were lives I’d lived
People I’d loved
Battles I’d fought
Victories I’d won
And, wars I’d lost

One Day my soul just opened up…

And out poured all the things I’d been hiding
And denying
And living through
That had just happened moments before.

One Day my soul just opened up….

And I decided
I was good and ready, good and ready
To surrender my life to God

So, with my soul wide open
I sat down
Wrote God a note
And told her so.