Don't pinch me...if it means I have to wake from this dream.
Don't disturb this slumber that has cause my heart to believe in love again.
Let me continue to blissfully remember our flight to the mountain and
The visit to the shoreline mounted guns that serve now not to protect the coast,
But to protect our hearts from the pain we've known before.
Don't pinch me....because I want to continue to float in your presence
And, slip deep into your arms that are now my REM.
People pass by and notice my closed eyes flutter and know that I'm engulfed by you
Don't pinch me.....I'm afraid the reality with shock my system and send me back into the moments before you and make me remember how one sided my life was. You don't complete me, but you enhance me in new and fun ways.
Please, don't pinch me. I don't want to wake from this dream of love that I'm experiencing because I have been away and awake too long.
Let me sleep in this, breath this....it sustains me.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Saturday, August 4, 2012
When you do good.....You get good
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel” – Maya Angelou
Facebook has really proven to be a great way for information to get spread. It’s a great way to stay on top on where people ate dinner last night, it documents those moments that piss us off and the ones that make us burst at the seams with joy. Sometimes we see some very informative information about what’s going on in and around our community; we read some of the funniest posts that get shared over and over again; sometimes, there is the randomness of everyone’s favorite “vague-posting” of inside jokes and hints about some great date or event that makes us all wonder what it’s all about.
There are also those posts about bravery and overcoming disability to achieve a personal goal that inspires us all to dig a little deeper and to battle the very things that have a tendency to weigh the heaviest on us all. There are also those posts that can seem bitchy and mean spirited or just full of horrible news that is heartbreaking.
Over the years that I have been on Facebook, I have discovered that it has become a platform of sorts for me to spread whatever positive thoughts I may have about my life or the life I observe going on around me. I have even had some people say to me that something I have posted on Facebook has in some way inspire them to do something nice for someone or helped them to look at things with a bit more optimism or be something better. I love that.
Most recently, I was blessed to get hire at a company that I wanted to work for since the job I was formerly at moved across the street from it 2 years ago. The circumstances around how I got hired are directly related to the quote that inspired this post.
I was really distraught about being laid off. I loved working for the Institute for Systems Biology. I was inspired daily by the smart men and women that were revolutionizing medicine and changing the world. I felt good going to work every single day.
I was afraid. I live alone and I need to pay my bills….I was also helping my mom…..what was she gonna do? I opened up to my friends and the miracles started. The first email went to my friend Eric R., he's a recruiter and I knew he could comfort and offer guidance during my search. I had contracts offered a few days after sending that email. I was able to talk to him about my fears and he NEVER let me think that I would not find a job. Where my faith may have come into question, he was there with faith enough for both of us……yes, ma’am….an angel!
The other person that I reached out to is directly responsible for me getting in to Amazon is Mike A. He put my resume on the desk of the guy that is now my boss. He endorsed me….based on who I am. My resume was one thing, but he let them know that I was good people by forwarding my resume. I interviewed and got the job….Mike opened the door. I thank God for putting him in the picture for me to make this happen.
Not to mention……that ex-husband of mine, who continues, 2 years after our separation, continues to show me much love. Brings tears to my eyes that I was and still am loved by such a great person.
The bottom line here is that when you do good, you get good. I have said that a million times and my faith is strengthened in that all the time, especially when I have people basically coming to my rescue like Eric, Mike, K-Bos and Chad did. The advice and encouragement they gave, not to mention the number of people that sent up prayers for me makes me know that I make a positive difference in their lives, at least enough that they took on my burden and did what they could for me.
I will continue to put out the most positive energy that I can….because it does come back to you. I challenge you all to try that out. Being nice and doing good does make a difference, not just to the person on the receiving end, it will make you a better person, For Real
Facebook has really proven to be a great way for information to get spread. It’s a great way to stay on top on where people ate dinner last night, it documents those moments that piss us off and the ones that make us burst at the seams with joy. Sometimes we see some very informative information about what’s going on in and around our community; we read some of the funniest posts that get shared over and over again; sometimes, there is the randomness of everyone’s favorite “vague-posting” of inside jokes and hints about some great date or event that makes us all wonder what it’s all about.
There are also those posts about bravery and overcoming disability to achieve a personal goal that inspires us all to dig a little deeper and to battle the very things that have a tendency to weigh the heaviest on us all. There are also those posts that can seem bitchy and mean spirited or just full of horrible news that is heartbreaking.
Over the years that I have been on Facebook, I have discovered that it has become a platform of sorts for me to spread whatever positive thoughts I may have about my life or the life I observe going on around me. I have even had some people say to me that something I have posted on Facebook has in some way inspire them to do something nice for someone or helped them to look at things with a bit more optimism or be something better. I love that.
Most recently, I was blessed to get hire at a company that I wanted to work for since the job I was formerly at moved across the street from it 2 years ago. The circumstances around how I got hired are directly related to the quote that inspired this post.
I was really distraught about being laid off. I loved working for the Institute for Systems Biology. I was inspired daily by the smart men and women that were revolutionizing medicine and changing the world. I felt good going to work every single day.
I was afraid. I live alone and I need to pay my bills….I was also helping my mom…..what was she gonna do? I opened up to my friends and the miracles started. The first email went to my friend Eric R., he's a recruiter and I knew he could comfort and offer guidance during my search. I had contracts offered a few days after sending that email. I was able to talk to him about my fears and he NEVER let me think that I would not find a job. Where my faith may have come into question, he was there with faith enough for both of us……yes, ma’am….an angel!
The other person that I reached out to is directly responsible for me getting in to Amazon is Mike A. He put my resume on the desk of the guy that is now my boss. He endorsed me….based on who I am. My resume was one thing, but he let them know that I was good people by forwarding my resume. I interviewed and got the job….Mike opened the door. I thank God for putting him in the picture for me to make this happen.
Not to mention……that ex-husband of mine, who continues, 2 years after our separation, continues to show me much love. Brings tears to my eyes that I was and still am loved by such a great person.
The bottom line here is that when you do good, you get good. I have said that a million times and my faith is strengthened in that all the time, especially when I have people basically coming to my rescue like Eric, Mike, K-Bos and Chad did. The advice and encouragement they gave, not to mention the number of people that sent up prayers for me makes me know that I make a positive difference in their lives, at least enough that they took on my burden and did what they could for me.
I will continue to put out the most positive energy that I can….because it does come back to you. I challenge you all to try that out. Being nice and doing good does make a difference, not just to the person on the receiving end, it will make you a better person, For Real
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
What Do You Know About My Ugly Shoes?
While walking down my hall in the building I live in, I saw a pair of shoes sitting outside the door of one of my neighbors. These were some ugly shoes. They were red flats that were really faded and chipped up. Toward to bottom of the shoes, the color was peeling off them. They looked like some shoes she may have picked up at Ross or T.J. Maxx or Marshalls for $10. The lady that owned these shoes really got her monies worth. But, as sure as I was sitting there judging this woman’s shoes, I thought to myself “what in the hell do I know about her ugly shoes?”. The more I thought about that statement, the clearer it came to me. We all look at each other and we are quick to make judgments about each other without really understanding a thing about the person we are judging. We see someone having a bad day or in the middle of a very troubling part of their life and we are quick to call them a “hot mess” again, we all do this. It’s just a flawed part of our human nature and I am desperately trying to find a way to stop doing that.
I know my shoes are ugly…..and I would not trade them in for the world. These shoes of mine, though tattered and worn, have carried me through the Navy and 2 tours in the Persian Gulf, sexual abuse that took my innocence as a child and forced me to grow up way before my time. They carried me through heartache and mourning and they have never fit more perfectly.
These shoes of mine, though “ugly” have not only seen me through the hard times. I have worn these shoes through the greatest love of my life, a 9 year partnership with an amazing man and some of the most significant triumphs of my life.
It’s amazing to me that we all keep going even when we feel like we have given all we have to give. The resilience of the human spirit amazes me all the time. We hear stories on the world wide web all the time about the heart of a lion living in the body of a lamb. I remember a story that was posted on Facebook about a physically disabled young man that ran the most amazing field race with his classmates. Not only was his ability to run inspiring, but the support from the people looking on, the coach and his fellow runners. I bet those “ugly shoes” have stories to tell and a few lessons to teach about love, kindness and strength of spirit.
I can’t tell you the number of times I have felt like I had met my match…..that life has done me in and I was done. The nights that I may have sat at home feeling sorry for myself and wishing for change. It’s those “ugly shoes” that continued to carry me through it.
I posted a status on Facebook asking people what they thought of their “ugly shoes” the following response came from a brother that could not have summed it up better:
My "Ugly Shoes" are flexible, dependable, and resilient. They have formed into a perfect mold through my heavy challenges and soaring triumphs. These shoes are so gorgeous; I wear all my new shoes inside them, because I want all the world to see the shine through the scratches and scuffs. You see, my "Ugly Shoes" are the lead to strut, the pimp in my walk, the kick to my swag. – J. O.
Monday, June 11, 2012
The Moment, the Minutes and Me
I am not sure what life is really all about or what I should even expect it to be about. In my close to 38 years of living, I have experienced quite a bit more than I thought I would have growing up in the ghetto of Whitehaven in Memphis, TN. I suppose what’s most important to me has changed over the years. That’s what this post is about today; how have the things that I have found to be most important to me over the years changed?
When I was born, I had no real identity. I came into the world perfect, no scars…on the inside or the outside, I loved and was loved and it was at this moment that who I am today really started taking shape. I learned how to love based on how I was loved, I learned how to treat people with love and respect because I hoped to be treated that way, and I discovered my sexuality under the disguise of love and equated the act of sex with love. Oh, I’m good with how things have gone for me and I wouldn’t take any of it back, but the journey to here has not always been as nice to me as I would have hoped. This blog is intended first off to help me discover things about myself and to help me be a bit more introspective about things, but it is also a platform for me to share in hopes that my stories will help someone else. Some of the stuff I will post here has only been shared with my ex-partner and he was a great listener.
As a young, black man growing up in the South, I needed to make sure that I presented myself a particular way. Black men have an image to uphold about themselves because we don’t want there to be any confusion about our manhood or about our sexuality. My momma told me a story once how the man she married when I was a baby (and I thought was my dad) used to punch me in my chest and knock me to the ground, but that was not good enough, he would help me up then punch me again…over and over and over again. Of course, momma would say something, but he was abusive to her as well so there was only so much she could do. He told her that he was raising me to be a man. I still wonder how that was supposed to help me become a man. In the end, I think that all it did was make me quick to fight anyone that I thought was going to do something to me. I’ve been in a few fights because of that. Thinking back….I can remember being stationed in Germany, he was in the Army. My momma had gone out with one of her homegirls….when she came home; he beat her up in front of me. So, at a very young age, I thought that violence was the way to address your anger and disapproval and apparently your love. In a way, I wish he were standing in front of me now…I’d like to see him hit me or my momma……I don’t think he’d get away with it anymore.
During the same time, I experienced sex for the first time. I would love to tell you that me and another little boy or girl were in the bedroom closet exploring each other……that’s not how it happened for me. It started with wrestling in the front yard of my Grannie’s house. Then, it went to sleepovers. I had no idea how to say “stop” or “no”…..I thought it was ok, a little uncomfortable, but ok. Without going into too much detail, it’s still kinda painful to think about it, but it was my first exposure to same sex intercourse. I opted to not tell my momma until recently because I did not want her to think that that experience is what “made” me gay. She understands that now and she had been really supportive of my decision to not say anything….damn, she is amazing. That experience did not define me, but I do think that it has had an effect on how I think about relationships with men and how I looked at love, my ex, David, helped me to realize what real love looks like and I am so thankful to have loved and been loved by him.
The result of those moments and minutes in our lives made us who we are. We have to allow ourselves to go through those things to get to another level of understanding who we are and what strengths we possess. They also help us understand our weaknesses and how we can work on getting though those tough times. We sell ourselves short when we forget who we are and what we are made of. We all have to the tools we need to make out on top after all; self-preservation is the first law of nature. And, in those times when we stumble and forget how awesome we are, we can rely on each to pick up the slack and move on in faith together.
Those moments and those minutes of my life are me and I thank God for helping me to endure them and I pray that I will continue to do so as I navigate my way through this life and continue to discover more of who I am and what I’m made of. I realize something new all of the time…good and bad…..and I’m working on how to use those things to help me grow and Lord knows that I don’t always get it right, but that’s what this journey is all about, living and learning.
For Real.
When I was born, I had no real identity. I came into the world perfect, no scars…on the inside or the outside, I loved and was loved and it was at this moment that who I am today really started taking shape. I learned how to love based on how I was loved, I learned how to treat people with love and respect because I hoped to be treated that way, and I discovered my sexuality under the disguise of love and equated the act of sex with love. Oh, I’m good with how things have gone for me and I wouldn’t take any of it back, but the journey to here has not always been as nice to me as I would have hoped. This blog is intended first off to help me discover things about myself and to help me be a bit more introspective about things, but it is also a platform for me to share in hopes that my stories will help someone else. Some of the stuff I will post here has only been shared with my ex-partner and he was a great listener.
As a young, black man growing up in the South, I needed to make sure that I presented myself a particular way. Black men have an image to uphold about themselves because we don’t want there to be any confusion about our manhood or about our sexuality. My momma told me a story once how the man she married when I was a baby (and I thought was my dad) used to punch me in my chest and knock me to the ground, but that was not good enough, he would help me up then punch me again…over and over and over again. Of course, momma would say something, but he was abusive to her as well so there was only so much she could do. He told her that he was raising me to be a man. I still wonder how that was supposed to help me become a man. In the end, I think that all it did was make me quick to fight anyone that I thought was going to do something to me. I’ve been in a few fights because of that. Thinking back….I can remember being stationed in Germany, he was in the Army. My momma had gone out with one of her homegirls….when she came home; he beat her up in front of me. So, at a very young age, I thought that violence was the way to address your anger and disapproval and apparently your love. In a way, I wish he were standing in front of me now…I’d like to see him hit me or my momma……I don’t think he’d get away with it anymore.
During the same time, I experienced sex for the first time. I would love to tell you that me and another little boy or girl were in the bedroom closet exploring each other……that’s not how it happened for me. It started with wrestling in the front yard of my Grannie’s house. Then, it went to sleepovers. I had no idea how to say “stop” or “no”…..I thought it was ok, a little uncomfortable, but ok. Without going into too much detail, it’s still kinda painful to think about it, but it was my first exposure to same sex intercourse. I opted to not tell my momma until recently because I did not want her to think that that experience is what “made” me gay. She understands that now and she had been really supportive of my decision to not say anything….damn, she is amazing. That experience did not define me, but I do think that it has had an effect on how I think about relationships with men and how I looked at love, my ex, David, helped me to realize what real love looks like and I am so thankful to have loved and been loved by him.
The result of those moments and minutes in our lives made us who we are. We have to allow ourselves to go through those things to get to another level of understanding who we are and what strengths we possess. They also help us understand our weaknesses and how we can work on getting though those tough times. We sell ourselves short when we forget who we are and what we are made of. We all have to the tools we need to make out on top after all; self-preservation is the first law of nature. And, in those times when we stumble and forget how awesome we are, we can rely on each to pick up the slack and move on in faith together.
Those moments and those minutes of my life are me and I thank God for helping me to endure them and I pray that I will continue to do so as I navigate my way through this life and continue to discover more of who I am and what I’m made of. I realize something new all of the time…good and bad…..and I’m working on how to use those things to help me grow and Lord knows that I don’t always get it right, but that’s what this journey is all about, living and learning.
For Real.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
You Are Worthy.......Just Because
There are very few things that I know for sure, but the one thing I am absolutely certain of is my worth. I have always had a confidence in myself that, at times, may have been questioned for any number of reasons; maybe my weight had gotten too out of control, maybe relationships did not work out the way I’d hoped or maybe I just did not feel accepted enough in the things that I had done. But, I have always recognized that regardless of those things, I am worthy of being here. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of being given the opportunity to love and have that love returned to me.
My faith dictates that no matter what outside burdens people try to place on me, God is there to help me realign whatever doubts I may have in myself. Marvin Sapp said it best, “He saw the best in me, when others failed to”.
I think that it is really sad when someone can’t recognize what good they have in them and that no matter what has happened to them in the past, love and respect is always deserved and should be given as well as received. In all of our relationships, romantic, family, friendships…..we bring a ton of baggage to the table, it’s the nature of things. We are who we are because of the shit that we all have had to go through. But, that baggage is important to teach us each a lesson. Knowing what we will and will not allow to have happen to us and learning how to treat those people that are important to us is essential for building strong relationships and to staying true to who we are. We can’t be in healthy relationships of any kind if we shut down the possibility of growth…..the knowledge that the baggage and poison that we have dealt with does not and should not control us. It should be put on a shelf and referred to from time to time to remember not to go through it again. Know your worth….remember your worth.
The relationship I was in before my 8 year relationship with David was extremely dysfunctional. For the people who know me now….you would not have believed the shit I allowed to happen to me. I was not the person I am today....scratch that, I was then the person I am now, however, I had allowed myself to put that dude ahead of me. For Real? Now, I don’t like to say what I will never do, but I’m pretty damn sure that won’t happen again.
Truth be told, the demons that I have had to deal with in my life, and on some level I’m still dealing with, will not overtake my belief that I am worthy ever again.
I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it (- Maya Angelou)…..For Real.
My faith dictates that no matter what outside burdens people try to place on me, God is there to help me realign whatever doubts I may have in myself. Marvin Sapp said it best, “He saw the best in me, when others failed to”.
I think that it is really sad when someone can’t recognize what good they have in them and that no matter what has happened to them in the past, love and respect is always deserved and should be given as well as received. In all of our relationships, romantic, family, friendships…..we bring a ton of baggage to the table, it’s the nature of things. We are who we are because of the shit that we all have had to go through. But, that baggage is important to teach us each a lesson. Knowing what we will and will not allow to have happen to us and learning how to treat those people that are important to us is essential for building strong relationships and to staying true to who we are. We can’t be in healthy relationships of any kind if we shut down the possibility of growth…..the knowledge that the baggage and poison that we have dealt with does not and should not control us. It should be put on a shelf and referred to from time to time to remember not to go through it again. Know your worth….remember your worth.
The relationship I was in before my 8 year relationship with David was extremely dysfunctional. For the people who know me now….you would not have believed the shit I allowed to happen to me. I was not the person I am today....scratch that, I was then the person I am now, however, I had allowed myself to put that dude ahead of me. For Real? Now, I don’t like to say what I will never do, but I’m pretty damn sure that won’t happen again.
Truth be told, the demons that I have had to deal with in my life, and on some level I’m still dealing with, will not overtake my belief that I am worthy ever again.
I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it (- Maya Angelou)…..For Real.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Cookie, est. 1994
I was never a cook in the Navy….. I don’t have a fondness for desserts, either. And, I’m not the heir to that gigantic cookie empire. I got the name “Cookie” thanks to the ignorance of a straight guy stationed with me in San Diego when I was on board the USS Duluth (LPD 6). It took me a minute to get used to it, but I have embraced it and could not imagine not having that as the name most know me as.
Words are funny, we can give them power when they don’t deserve it and we can let them overwhelm us so easily. I was on the verge of letting this guy ruin me with name calling….it’s just a word, but at the time, I didn’t get it. My momma taught me not to let anyone control me (well, except her….LOL) especially with words. She taught me better than that, and I know better than that.
I have always had the best confidence. Even growing up, I always had a great sense of self and the support of my family to lift me up and make me know my worth. I knew that I was weird as a kid and I recognized it more as a young teen that I was REALLY weird. By 1994, I was well on my way to discovering my sexuality and felt pretty comfortable with the man I was becoming. I was 20 years old and about to turn 21 while in San Diego….I was really discovering my sexuality!
A very good friend of mine on my boat, Isaac, had heard one of his shipmates referring to me as “Ms. Cookie”. He would mock the way walked and talked making everyone laugh. When Isaac told me this, my first reaction was I’m going to kick his ass! I was so upset and I was also very scared because of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. The anger changed to fear. But, whatever, I was not going to let this simple minded, red neck control me with a word. He was a bully and I don’t get bullied, my momma didn’t raise a punk, For Real! I called my mom and she could tell something was wrong, she always could and as much as I hate to admit it, still does know when something is bothering me. She knows her baby very well. She told me it’s just a word and don’t let it bother me.
Now, here’s just how creative and fierce we gay people can be. Isaac and his boo at the time, Maurice had come up with this action hero named “Cookie”. “Cookie” could shoot exploding chocolate chips from her wristbands…..with a shake of her ample ass, she could launch exploding chocolate chip cookies from her hips….I LOVED IT!! So, our ships pulled into the Philippines and in an effort to commemorate this alter ego that had just been created, we all got tattooed. The tattoo that I decided on needed to be one that I could totally embrace. It had to give me power and represent this time in my life in such a way that when I told the story of the tattoo it would inspire someone. The tattoo……the Tazmanian Devil, holding a baseball bat in one hand…..and a cookie in the other! Underneath the Taz…the word “COOKIELICIOUS”!!
You see, I was able, no matter how difficult, to turn that negative into a positive. I refused to allow myself to be defined by someone else, so I took his word and turned into a personality, into a mantra. The things we all go through are meant to happen to teach us and it’s up to us to take away from it those things that will make us better people. If that had not happened…..I’d still be be Joseph Torez Fields, still fabulous, wonderful, spiritual, sassy and smart. I was named after my grand daddy, Joseph Judge Newton….that’s a great name to have and I love it. However, I could not imagine not being Cookie. The name fits me like a glove. Hell, I'm not sure if I fit the name or the name fits who I am.....whatever the case may be,
I AM COOKIE……FOR REAL!
Words are funny, we can give them power when they don’t deserve it and we can let them overwhelm us so easily. I was on the verge of letting this guy ruin me with name calling….it’s just a word, but at the time, I didn’t get it. My momma taught me not to let anyone control me (well, except her….LOL) especially with words. She taught me better than that, and I know better than that.
I have always had the best confidence. Even growing up, I always had a great sense of self and the support of my family to lift me up and make me know my worth. I knew that I was weird as a kid and I recognized it more as a young teen that I was REALLY weird. By 1994, I was well on my way to discovering my sexuality and felt pretty comfortable with the man I was becoming. I was 20 years old and about to turn 21 while in San Diego….I was really discovering my sexuality!
A very good friend of mine on my boat, Isaac, had heard one of his shipmates referring to me as “Ms. Cookie”. He would mock the way walked and talked making everyone laugh. When Isaac told me this, my first reaction was I’m going to kick his ass! I was so upset and I was also very scared because of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. The anger changed to fear. But, whatever, I was not going to let this simple minded, red neck control me with a word. He was a bully and I don’t get bullied, my momma didn’t raise a punk, For Real! I called my mom and she could tell something was wrong, she always could and as much as I hate to admit it, still does know when something is bothering me. She knows her baby very well. She told me it’s just a word and don’t let it bother me.
Now, here’s just how creative and fierce we gay people can be. Isaac and his boo at the time, Maurice had come up with this action hero named “Cookie”. “Cookie” could shoot exploding chocolate chips from her wristbands…..with a shake of her ample ass, she could launch exploding chocolate chip cookies from her hips….I LOVED IT!! So, our ships pulled into the Philippines and in an effort to commemorate this alter ego that had just been created, we all got tattooed. The tattoo that I decided on needed to be one that I could totally embrace. It had to give me power and represent this time in my life in such a way that when I told the story of the tattoo it would inspire someone. The tattoo……the Tazmanian Devil, holding a baseball bat in one hand…..and a cookie in the other! Underneath the Taz…the word “COOKIELICIOUS”!!
You see, I was able, no matter how difficult, to turn that negative into a positive. I refused to allow myself to be defined by someone else, so I took his word and turned into a personality, into a mantra. The things we all go through are meant to happen to teach us and it’s up to us to take away from it those things that will make us better people. If that had not happened…..I’d still be be Joseph Torez Fields, still fabulous, wonderful, spiritual, sassy and smart. I was named after my grand daddy, Joseph Judge Newton….that’s a great name to have and I love it. However, I could not imagine not being Cookie. The name fits me like a glove. Hell, I'm not sure if I fit the name or the name fits who I am.....whatever the case may be,
I AM COOKIE……FOR REAL!
Friday, March 9, 2012
That Sweet Sting
When I think of death, and of late the idea has come with alarming frequency, I seem at peace with the idea that a day will dawn when I will no longer be among those living in this valley of strange humors. I can accept the idea of my own demise, but I am unable to accept the death of anyone else. I find it impossible to let a friend or relative go into that country of no return.
Disbelief becomes my close companion, and anger follows in its wake.
I answer the heroic question 'Death, where is thy sting? ' with ' it is here in my heart and mind and memories. - Maya Angelou
I struggle a bit with the topic of death simply because I am not sure how I can or would handle losing people that are extremely close to me. But, I ran across the above quote from Maya Angelou that really puts into perspective why I feel the way I do….it kinda gives me justification to feel this way. However, part of the responsibility of living is excepting the idea that at some point, my life will be over and I will expire…..cease to breath……die.
Death is a very real responsibility that we all have to face. Until just a few days ago, I have not had to deal with very much death. My friend, Guy, died just over two years ago, but prior to that, it had been several years. The way I deal with loss of this kind is I sink into a very sad state of mind and I am not sure why allow myself to get so sad, I mean, death happens. However, no matter how much I think about it and try to wrap my rational brain around it, the fact is I miss those that leave this world and I am sure I would be missed. The tears that fall are tears that there are no more memories to be made. When my Granny passed away, I was in sooooo much pain and I did not understand why it hurt so damn bad. I mean, I know that I was gonna miss her, but it made me sick. Literally, I was ill about the loss.
Looking back on it, I still can’t quite understand it. In Dr. Angelou’s quote, she says that she “seems to be at peace with the idea that a day will dawn when I will no longer be among those living in the valley of strange humor.” However, she cannot accept the death of anyone else. I get that. I would much rather leave this world than have to deal with the loss of someone that I love or care deeply for. And, to think that someone that loves me deeply will have to deal with my passing makes me sad…..it is a very depressing circle, For Real!
All that being said, today, I am facing that loss again; my dear, sweet cousin Natash N. Newton has gone to Glory. She was 28.
The tears I cry for Natasha are scary for me because the selfish part of me knows that I will never talk to her again or hug and kiss her…..make her smile and have her tell me how much she loves me and I love her. The other part of me is happy that she will suffer no more. Natasha was not in the best of health and the thought of her in hospitals and suffering while she is living is not living at all. I hope that my family members that read this understand that I am not happy she is gone, I am simply thankful that God has ended her suffering and that is even hard for me to type, but it’s true.
I live by the creed “if it’s God’s will, let it be done”, but that does not help to ease the pain of losing someone that you have built a lifetime of memories with. You may have known them for 15 years or 15 days, the impact of them passing will still be felt. Dr. Angelou answers the question “Death, where is thy sting?” with the fact that the sting is in the memories that we will continue to live with and reflect on.
As much as I am feeling this loss, my thought go to Natasha’s sibling, Marcus, Troy and Cora. I will search for the right words to comfort or console them, but I know that don’t have the words to share because there is none available that will help them to deal with the pain they are all feeling. I can only embrace them and pretend to be a shroud over them protecting them from every other pain they may be feeling because I know that this pain is cutting them deeply. My little cousins have felt this pain way more than anyone should at such young ages. They have lost their mother, father and now their big sister. Lord, get them through this, please.
I will have a chance to see my family and we will do what we do and that’s to pull together and get through this. God will not put more on us than we can handle and we can handle quite a bit. We may fight, not talk for a while, go through our ups and downs, but the thing that keeps us going is the ability to call on each other in love for support.
I pray that God will continue to keep us all close to him, especially Marcus, Troy and Cora and that He will help us to understand that in all that He does it is marvelous and though we may not understand it and we may be angry and ask God “WHY” I hope that He carries us that extra mile to understanding and at the end of the day, we will continue to praise Him and be thankful for the blessings that we have. I will pray that Marcus, Troy and Cora will hold on the God’s unchanging hand and find comfort in Him. God, please show them that this, too, shall pass and help them to find peace in knowing that their sister’s pain is gone…..the storm is over now.
Natasha is with her momma now and will continue to be the voice in their heads letting them know that they are still not alone and she’s got them……the same way she has had since they were born. For Real!
Disbelief becomes my close companion, and anger follows in its wake.
I answer the heroic question 'Death, where is thy sting? ' with ' it is here in my heart and mind and memories. - Maya Angelou
I struggle a bit with the topic of death simply because I am not sure how I can or would handle losing people that are extremely close to me. But, I ran across the above quote from Maya Angelou that really puts into perspective why I feel the way I do….it kinda gives me justification to feel this way. However, part of the responsibility of living is excepting the idea that at some point, my life will be over and I will expire…..cease to breath……die.
Death is a very real responsibility that we all have to face. Until just a few days ago, I have not had to deal with very much death. My friend, Guy, died just over two years ago, but prior to that, it had been several years. The way I deal with loss of this kind is I sink into a very sad state of mind and I am not sure why allow myself to get so sad, I mean, death happens. However, no matter how much I think about it and try to wrap my rational brain around it, the fact is I miss those that leave this world and I am sure I would be missed. The tears that fall are tears that there are no more memories to be made. When my Granny passed away, I was in sooooo much pain and I did not understand why it hurt so damn bad. I mean, I know that I was gonna miss her, but it made me sick. Literally, I was ill about the loss.
Looking back on it, I still can’t quite understand it. In Dr. Angelou’s quote, she says that she “seems to be at peace with the idea that a day will dawn when I will no longer be among those living in the valley of strange humor.” However, she cannot accept the death of anyone else. I get that. I would much rather leave this world than have to deal with the loss of someone that I love or care deeply for. And, to think that someone that loves me deeply will have to deal with my passing makes me sad…..it is a very depressing circle, For Real!
All that being said, today, I am facing that loss again; my dear, sweet cousin Natash N. Newton has gone to Glory. She was 28.
The tears I cry for Natasha are scary for me because the selfish part of me knows that I will never talk to her again or hug and kiss her…..make her smile and have her tell me how much she loves me and I love her. The other part of me is happy that she will suffer no more. Natasha was not in the best of health and the thought of her in hospitals and suffering while she is living is not living at all. I hope that my family members that read this understand that I am not happy she is gone, I am simply thankful that God has ended her suffering and that is even hard for me to type, but it’s true.
I live by the creed “if it’s God’s will, let it be done”, but that does not help to ease the pain of losing someone that you have built a lifetime of memories with. You may have known them for 15 years or 15 days, the impact of them passing will still be felt. Dr. Angelou answers the question “Death, where is thy sting?” with the fact that the sting is in the memories that we will continue to live with and reflect on.
As much as I am feeling this loss, my thought go to Natasha’s sibling, Marcus, Troy and Cora. I will search for the right words to comfort or console them, but I know that don’t have the words to share because there is none available that will help them to deal with the pain they are all feeling. I can only embrace them and pretend to be a shroud over them protecting them from every other pain they may be feeling because I know that this pain is cutting them deeply. My little cousins have felt this pain way more than anyone should at such young ages. They have lost their mother, father and now their big sister. Lord, get them through this, please.
I will have a chance to see my family and we will do what we do and that’s to pull together and get through this. God will not put more on us than we can handle and we can handle quite a bit. We may fight, not talk for a while, go through our ups and downs, but the thing that keeps us going is the ability to call on each other in love for support.
I pray that God will continue to keep us all close to him, especially Marcus, Troy and Cora and that He will help us to understand that in all that He does it is marvelous and though we may not understand it and we may be angry and ask God “WHY” I hope that He carries us that extra mile to understanding and at the end of the day, we will continue to praise Him and be thankful for the blessings that we have. I will pray that Marcus, Troy and Cora will hold on the God’s unchanging hand and find comfort in Him. God, please show them that this, too, shall pass and help them to find peace in knowing that their sister’s pain is gone…..the storm is over now.
Natasha is with her momma now and will continue to be the voice in their heads letting them know that they are still not alone and she’s got them……the same way she has had since they were born. For Real!
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