I'm free this time, and I’ve surrounded mankind
There's nothing here now but you and me
While gravity never used to bother me
I'm floating senseless in the presence of you
And I see euphoria in everything we do
Our worlds are closing in, and while I don't fear a thing
We've lost the air of innocence we once shared
Once at peace, once so calm
This thing that wakes me is now calling me
Morphine-like slumber, in a haze of wonders
Enter womb-shaped rooms where we can be safe
Vision blurred by an opiate sky
Seated while our worlds start to quake
I forgot just how good affection used to taste
Monday, November 1, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Perception of Reality
I think that as I grow, get older, learn, fail, succeed, have good days and bad ones, I develop a new way of approaching things. Something that bothers me the most is when someone says "I know you". How in the hell can you "know me" when I am still learning myself as I go? I am guilty of this myself. I tell my best friends, my mother and others that I am very close to that very same thing and what I have found is that they will surprise me time and time again. I am going through a series of changes myself. I am learning how to live my life again as an independent person. I was devoted for so many years to someone that I lived and breathed for and even though that relationship is over, I don't regret having loved that hard for so many years. Hell, he helped me realize that I don't have to be the person that people think I am and he encouraged me to find the path that best suited me. However, what I have come to realize is that I don't need him to help me figure that out anymore.
Who am I? I am so many things and lots more. I hope that I am given the chance by my friends and family to show them the many other facets of me that contribute to the person they see that makes them laugh so much. Yes, I am funny and crazy and I LOVE the spotlight.....but check this out, I am also a very introspective person with insight into life and things around me. For Real
I have to admit, that most of the people that are around me that know me well are beginning to see a different side of me and for the most part, they are very welcoming to learning and seeing more of that part of me. I appreciate that, from the bottom of my heart.
For Real
Who am I? I am so many things and lots more. I hope that I am given the chance by my friends and family to show them the many other facets of me that contribute to the person they see that makes them laugh so much. Yes, I am funny and crazy and I LOVE the spotlight.....but check this out, I am also a very introspective person with insight into life and things around me. For Real
I have to admit, that most of the people that are around me that know me well are beginning to see a different side of me and for the most part, they are very welcoming to learning and seeing more of that part of me. I appreciate that, from the bottom of my heart.
For Real
Thursday, September 2, 2010
And this too shall pass.......
I was inspired to write this by a Facebook post a friend of mine posted. Today, someone jumped off of a bridge and landed on I-5 and died. This struck a chord with me. I work in a building just under the Aurora Bridge and in the 16 months that I have worked there, I have seen the results of a desperate soul at what apparently was the last option laid out on the street in front of my building.
Each time this has happened, I have asked myself "what could have possibly led them to this?” I mean, it is truly hard for me to imagine feeling that sad, lonely and distraught that the only way to deal with life is to end it. I have an amazing group of friends and a very supportive and loving family, so I don't think I could ever do something like that. But, does that mean that the people that take their own lives did not have anyone.....not one single solitary person that they could go to? Again, I find that so very hard to believe because that is not my life and experience, but they felt so alone that life was not worth living anymore.
However, when I was smack dab in the middle of my break up, I was walking on the Burk-Gilman Trail that runs along Lake Union and past my building. I was balling my eyes out because I was just so sad. The cyclists and runners would zip by me and some made eye-contact and others I don't think even noticed me. As I walked under the bridge, I thought to myself that, with the exception of my Grannie's death, I don't think I ever felt this sad before. I was so sad that it made me physically sick to my stomach. The pain was intense......that just in that moment, I imagined that there was no way that I could get over this and what are my options to help me deal with this pain. The person that takes his or her own life must have felt a million times worse and I felt so sorry for them.
The jumper today.....I wonder what led him to that. Was it just an emotional last minute decision or was it a planned act of getting out? Was he going through some really tough times and something just snapped and he just did it?
I wish it was as easy as saying "and this too shall pass" but in the midst of your own personal inner tragedy mere words seem so useless. However, you never know what the power words can do for someone. Words could save someone's life. I really try to make my interactions as pleasant as I can even when I am not really feeling it.....I understand, sometimes I feel like planting my foot firmly up somebody's ass just like everyone else. But, I try to remember that the words I say to someone could make or break them. I am reminded of a song by Lalah Hathaway "What Goes Around Comes Around". How we treat others will pay us back in full. For Real.
Obviously, I have plenty of options and a firm faith in God so I don't think I could ever or would ever take my own life, but it has made me put some things in perspective. And, from time to time, we could all use a reality check. I know I try to step back and edit myself when I feel like I am getting off track from the way I WANT to live my life. I am a work in progress, so………
I am so very blessed to have the life that I have. The people that love me and support me make it easy for me to have bad days because healing is just a text, phone call or prayer away. All the shit that makes me mad, sad or indifferent all helps to make me a better person. I am thankful for having gone through it all and welcome the lessons that are yet to be learned.
As long as I keep believing in it....."And this too, shall pass".......For Real.
Each time this has happened, I have asked myself "what could have possibly led them to this?” I mean, it is truly hard for me to imagine feeling that sad, lonely and distraught that the only way to deal with life is to end it. I have an amazing group of friends and a very supportive and loving family, so I don't think I could ever do something like that. But, does that mean that the people that take their own lives did not have anyone.....not one single solitary person that they could go to? Again, I find that so very hard to believe because that is not my life and experience, but they felt so alone that life was not worth living anymore.
However, when I was smack dab in the middle of my break up, I was walking on the Burk-Gilman Trail that runs along Lake Union and past my building. I was balling my eyes out because I was just so sad. The cyclists and runners would zip by me and some made eye-contact and others I don't think even noticed me. As I walked under the bridge, I thought to myself that, with the exception of my Grannie's death, I don't think I ever felt this sad before. I was so sad that it made me physically sick to my stomach. The pain was intense......that just in that moment, I imagined that there was no way that I could get over this and what are my options to help me deal with this pain. The person that takes his or her own life must have felt a million times worse and I felt so sorry for them.
The jumper today.....I wonder what led him to that. Was it just an emotional last minute decision or was it a planned act of getting out? Was he going through some really tough times and something just snapped and he just did it?
I wish it was as easy as saying "and this too shall pass" but in the midst of your own personal inner tragedy mere words seem so useless. However, you never know what the power words can do for someone. Words could save someone's life. I really try to make my interactions as pleasant as I can even when I am not really feeling it.....I understand, sometimes I feel like planting my foot firmly up somebody's ass just like everyone else. But, I try to remember that the words I say to someone could make or break them. I am reminded of a song by Lalah Hathaway "What Goes Around Comes Around". How we treat others will pay us back in full. For Real.
Obviously, I have plenty of options and a firm faith in God so I don't think I could ever or would ever take my own life, but it has made me put some things in perspective. And, from time to time, we could all use a reality check. I know I try to step back and edit myself when I feel like I am getting off track from the way I WANT to live my life. I am a work in progress, so………
I am so very blessed to have the life that I have. The people that love me and support me make it easy for me to have bad days because healing is just a text, phone call or prayer away. All the shit that makes me mad, sad or indifferent all helps to make me a better person. I am thankful for having gone through it all and welcome the lessons that are yet to be learned.
As long as I keep believing in it....."And this too, shall pass".......For Real.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Back To Me.....
This is a short post.....because I'm excited about something I just did. I just got my class schedule to start back to school and I am really excited. School was always a really important to me and I always wanted to get finish. Well, when my recent long term relationship ended, I crawled into a whole; blocking myself from the things I thought were so important. I had to ask myself a very serious question: "did you decide to go back to school because you thought that is what he wanted?". He encouraged me every step of the way and I think I started because I wanted to make him proud. But, as I got back into it, I remembered how much I loved school and I was doing it for me.
Well, since we split, I have had to deal with the emotional side of losing someone that was so very special and important in my life. So, I had to put school aside for a few months. Now, I am in no way over him, however, I have begun to deal with the emotions that I have kept hidden from most people. I will never forget you for being there for me that night, Ms. Sin Sational!
Now, I am starting to get back to me. I will admit, I am a better person having been with him and loved him and learned from him. He taught me so very much about who I want to be as a person, but he also taught me about the person that I don't want to be. I will talk more about us later, just not ready now. Just know that he and I were great together and I after I sort out all of the feelings, I am sure that in the end I will still have nothing but the utmost respect and love for him. Right now......I just can't see, talk, hear from, deal with, or know anything about him. I'm getting back to me and part of that means removing as much of him as I can.
Anyway, I am really excited about getting school going again and that is the purpose of this post. To share in that elation!!
Speaking of Back to Me.......that is also the name of Fantasia's new CD that hits stores tomorrow, For Real.
Well, since we split, I have had to deal with the emotional side of losing someone that was so very special and important in my life. So, I had to put school aside for a few months. Now, I am in no way over him, however, I have begun to deal with the emotions that I have kept hidden from most people. I will never forget you for being there for me that night, Ms. Sin Sational!
Now, I am starting to get back to me. I will admit, I am a better person having been with him and loved him and learned from him. He taught me so very much about who I want to be as a person, but he also taught me about the person that I don't want to be. I will talk more about us later, just not ready now. Just know that he and I were great together and I after I sort out all of the feelings, I am sure that in the end I will still have nothing but the utmost respect and love for him. Right now......I just can't see, talk, hear from, deal with, or know anything about him. I'm getting back to me and part of that means removing as much of him as I can.
Anyway, I am really excited about getting school going again and that is the purpose of this post. To share in that elation!!
Speaking of Back to Me.......that is also the name of Fantasia's new CD that hits stores tomorrow, For Real.
Friday, August 20, 2010
The Grannie Factor
I am not sure how far back Grandmothers have been playing such an important role in the black community. Big Momma, Madea, Grannie………all names associated with the matriarch of the black family. I call it "The Granny Factor". I would venture to believe that at least since the first Africans were brought to this country on slave ships, Grandparents have played a pivotal role in helping to raise their children's children. Probably going back even further. I am not an expert on African cultures, but it seems to come so naturally in our black culture that the Grandparents hold a very significant position in the lives of our black families. I am by no means taking away from other cultures or want to seem elitist in any way, but I am a black man and I can only speak from my own black experiences. However, I will say that a lot of my Asian friend’s families are very similar. How do you say Madea in Korean?
Well, Anyway......my Grannie's birthday just past and if she were still living she would have turned 85, I think, on August 18. So, I wanted to take a minute and give some props to Mrs. Annie Mae Newton, my Grannie!
I can’t think of my Grannie without first smiling…..and then the tears come. They are there for my own selfish reasons, I want her back. Grannie lost the battle with lung cancer in 1995 and even though we saw it coming, it did not make her passing any easier to take. Damn them Pall Mall unfiltered cigarettes!
There are so many fond, funny and full of love memories I have of my Grannie, but I think the cooking will stick with me for a long time. Let’s just say, when I was in the 5th grade, I was wearing a 34 Husky……for real!! LOL. The collard greens, cornbread and sweet potato pies and pound cake, she made it look so easy and although I can hook it up in the kitchen myself, I still can't get it right. The countless times that I called her from school because my momma would not give me a dollar to go to the pep rally or dance; Grannie would hop in her Lincoln Mark VII with her custom license plate that read “Bad Ma’am-a- Jamma” and roll right on up to Hillcrest High School or Graceland Jr. High with dollar in hand and listening to the Blues. Oh, she would be cussing the entire time....but she did it.
And, believe me, Grannie was FIERCE!! She could dress her butt off. She was about 6 feet tall and very slim. She had gold dentures with stars on them……she had a grill before the rappers ever thought about it!!! She was a hot number…..For Real!
I loved sitting on her lap when I was a baby or even when I was a grown ass man and having her rock me, that thought still helps me today. She could do it a lot longer when I was a baby, but she did not mind hooking me up with a rock or two whenever I came home on leave from the Navy. She was so proud of me. The memories of protecting me from situations at my mom's house that may not have always been ideal for me to be in for one reason or another, showed me just what strength was about; Grannie was not going to let anybody hurt her babies.
Oh, don't get me wrong, Grannie would grab a broomstick, shoe, extension cord......anything she needed to knock the "whocka-ball-shit" out of anybody that thought they were more grown than she and that included my momma and all of her siblings. I still don't know what a "whocka-ball" is.....and anybody reading this that is not a family member of mine, don't even try to understand. You see, Grannie had a language all her own when it came to cussing. For Real.
So, I will say this to you, Grannie. Thank you for your love and understanding; for raising me and all of my cousins when our parents did not know what the hell they were doing or just did not feel like doing what they needed to do. Thank you for the whoopings, the dollars, and the trips together from Memphis to Fitchburg (just me and you) and for introducing me to Nilla Wafers and hook cheese. Thank you for your steadfast devotion as the head of several houses. Thank you for opening your house to foster kids, most of who are still very much part of our family. Thank you for Joann, Annemarie, Sandra, Jody, Viola, Virgie, Kim, Tracy and Marrisa. Some of your grandkids have had some beautiful children that you would be rocking today if you were still with us. I feel so sorry for them because they will not have you there as we all did to love and be truly loved on. We love you and miss you much. Not a day goes by that we don’t think of you and how you have helped to shape our lives, even if we are not following your lead, you gave us the tools to do what we need to do. One Love…….For Real!
Well, Anyway......my Grannie's birthday just past and if she were still living she would have turned 85, I think, on August 18. So, I wanted to take a minute and give some props to Mrs. Annie Mae Newton, my Grannie!
I can’t think of my Grannie without first smiling…..and then the tears come. They are there for my own selfish reasons, I want her back. Grannie lost the battle with lung cancer in 1995 and even though we saw it coming, it did not make her passing any easier to take. Damn them Pall Mall unfiltered cigarettes!
There are so many fond, funny and full of love memories I have of my Grannie, but I think the cooking will stick with me for a long time. Let’s just say, when I was in the 5th grade, I was wearing a 34 Husky……for real!! LOL. The collard greens, cornbread and sweet potato pies and pound cake, she made it look so easy and although I can hook it up in the kitchen myself, I still can't get it right. The countless times that I called her from school because my momma would not give me a dollar to go to the pep rally or dance; Grannie would hop in her Lincoln Mark VII with her custom license plate that read “Bad Ma’am-a- Jamma” and roll right on up to Hillcrest High School or Graceland Jr. High with dollar in hand and listening to the Blues. Oh, she would be cussing the entire time....but she did it.
And, believe me, Grannie was FIERCE!! She could dress her butt off. She was about 6 feet tall and very slim. She had gold dentures with stars on them……she had a grill before the rappers ever thought about it!!! She was a hot number…..For Real!
I loved sitting on her lap when I was a baby or even when I was a grown ass man and having her rock me, that thought still helps me today. She could do it a lot longer when I was a baby, but she did not mind hooking me up with a rock or two whenever I came home on leave from the Navy. She was so proud of me. The memories of protecting me from situations at my mom's house that may not have always been ideal for me to be in for one reason or another, showed me just what strength was about; Grannie was not going to let anybody hurt her babies.
Oh, don't get me wrong, Grannie would grab a broomstick, shoe, extension cord......anything she needed to knock the "whocka-ball-shit" out of anybody that thought they were more grown than she and that included my momma and all of her siblings. I still don't know what a "whocka-ball" is.....and anybody reading this that is not a family member of mine, don't even try to understand. You see, Grannie had a language all her own when it came to cussing. For Real.
So, I will say this to you, Grannie. Thank you for your love and understanding; for raising me and all of my cousins when our parents did not know what the hell they were doing or just did not feel like doing what they needed to do. Thank you for the whoopings, the dollars, and the trips together from Memphis to Fitchburg (just me and you) and for introducing me to Nilla Wafers and hook cheese. Thank you for your steadfast devotion as the head of several houses. Thank you for opening your house to foster kids, most of who are still very much part of our family. Thank you for Joann, Annemarie, Sandra, Jody, Viola, Virgie, Kim, Tracy and Marrisa. Some of your grandkids have had some beautiful children that you would be rocking today if you were still with us. I feel so sorry for them because they will not have you there as we all did to love and be truly loved on. We love you and miss you much. Not a day goes by that we don’t think of you and how you have helped to shape our lives, even if we are not following your lead, you gave us the tools to do what we need to do. One Love…….For Real!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Cookie's Best Friend
I absolutely love it......waking up next to someone that I know truly loves me and will always be there under every circumstance to show me the love and support that I need. Now, let me be clear.....my mother is in a class of her own; she love me and supports me on levels that define parenting at it's very best. But, this lady that I am talking about is also a great comfort to me and has seen what some of the closest people to me have not.
Cleo.....my adorably cute, 6 year old (July 2010), Labrador Retriever mix, defines "Man's Best Friend"......or, in my case, "Homo's Best Homegurl".
Cleo, named such because my ex refused to let me name her Fantasia after my favorite American Idol winner, whatever! We agreed on Cleo because she was born at the end of July and I thought she was a Cancer and he said she was a Leo....you get it, right?
Anyway, from the moment I laid eyes on her I knew she and I would be besties forever. On the day that we met Cleo, we were supposed to go to Bellevue to get a new dog. We had seen this really cute 2 year old and had planned on visiting him. Well, we took the wrong exit and ended up heading south on I-405 instead of north. My ex, ever the diplomat, suggested that we just go to the Kent Animal Shelter and double back and go up to Bellevue. Little did either of us know, our world was about to become enhanced, fully.
We go inside the Kent Shelter and it was pretty packed. We requested to go take a look at the dogs they had and they motioned for us to head on back. In the very first kennel there was a new litter of puppies just clamoring for attention and they were all SO CUTE!! I put my fingers through the gate, which you should never do because you may get bitten or something, but I was not the least bit afraid of those vicious 5 week old puppies. This particular puppy, with her neon orange collar, walked up to gate and started to lick my fingers and whimper. She looked up at and.......well, miss thing had me at "HERRROWW" (that's "hello" for those that don't speak puppy).
That was the beginning of a love and friendship that I could tell was going to be everlasting. However, I had no idea how that little puppy would grow up to be such an important part of my life. She has seen me at my happiest and my saddest. She has been steadfast in her affection for me and remains my girl.....remember the song by Whitney Houston and CeCe Winans....."Count On Me"? That is our theme song.
I wake up everyday to her laying right beside me or she is licking me in my face to speed up the waking up process because she is ready to get her eat on.....For Real.
However, what I have discovered recently is that Cleo is very much in tune with my mood and how I am feeling and in times that I am having a hard day, she will lay on my pillow.....her nose to my nose.....no licking....just her letting me know that she knows I am not feeling it today and that I can take my time. She will lay her head on my chest or back or leg to let me know that she is still there and she gets it. She will help me out of bed and then take ME for a walk.....because she knows that I don't have the energy to walk her.
On the other side.....when life is good, she and I are up at 6:00am and ready for the day. She is running in circles and jumping all over me because she and I are ready to take on whatever the day will bring. She is one of the most expressive dogs I have every seen......she smiles, she really does.
Never a mean word or a judgment or a complaint or a nag.....just love in the way she communicates with me. When I look into her big brown eyes and she cocks her head to the side as if to say "what chu lookin at?" I see nothing but love. A love that is everlasting.....yep, Cleo is my best friend and I love you, girl......For Real!!
Cleo.....my adorably cute, 6 year old (July 2010), Labrador Retriever mix, defines "Man's Best Friend"......or, in my case, "Homo's Best Homegurl".
Cleo, named such because my ex refused to let me name her Fantasia after my favorite American Idol winner, whatever! We agreed on Cleo because she was born at the end of July and I thought she was a Cancer and he said she was a Leo....you get it, right?
Anyway, from the moment I laid eyes on her I knew she and I would be besties forever. On the day that we met Cleo, we were supposed to go to Bellevue to get a new dog. We had seen this really cute 2 year old and had planned on visiting him. Well, we took the wrong exit and ended up heading south on I-405 instead of north. My ex, ever the diplomat, suggested that we just go to the Kent Animal Shelter and double back and go up to Bellevue. Little did either of us know, our world was about to become enhanced, fully.
We go inside the Kent Shelter and it was pretty packed. We requested to go take a look at the dogs they had and they motioned for us to head on back. In the very first kennel there was a new litter of puppies just clamoring for attention and they were all SO CUTE!! I put my fingers through the gate, which you should never do because you may get bitten or something, but I was not the least bit afraid of those vicious 5 week old puppies. This particular puppy, with her neon orange collar, walked up to gate and started to lick my fingers and whimper. She looked up at and.......well, miss thing had me at "HERRROWW" (that's "hello" for those that don't speak puppy).
That was the beginning of a love and friendship that I could tell was going to be everlasting. However, I had no idea how that little puppy would grow up to be such an important part of my life. She has seen me at my happiest and my saddest. She has been steadfast in her affection for me and remains my girl.....remember the song by Whitney Houston and CeCe Winans....."Count On Me"? That is our theme song.
I wake up everyday to her laying right beside me or she is licking me in my face to speed up the waking up process because she is ready to get her eat on.....For Real.
However, what I have discovered recently is that Cleo is very much in tune with my mood and how I am feeling and in times that I am having a hard day, she will lay on my pillow.....her nose to my nose.....no licking....just her letting me know that she knows I am not feeling it today and that I can take my time. She will lay her head on my chest or back or leg to let me know that she is still there and she gets it. She will help me out of bed and then take ME for a walk.....because she knows that I don't have the energy to walk her.
On the other side.....when life is good, she and I are up at 6:00am and ready for the day. She is running in circles and jumping all over me because she and I are ready to take on whatever the day will bring. She is one of the most expressive dogs I have every seen......she smiles, she really does.
Never a mean word or a judgment or a complaint or a nag.....just love in the way she communicates with me. When I look into her big brown eyes and she cocks her head to the side as if to say "what chu lookin at?" I see nothing but love. A love that is everlasting.....yep, Cleo is my best friend and I love you, girl......For Real!!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
It's gonna be alright......to all my friends.
I am sitting here listening to one of my favorite singers, Ledisi. I was thinking about what I wanted to write and this song came on. This is all I needed to say. Thanks Ledisi.
ALRIGHT
this life can make me so confused but it's ALRIGHT
living day by day I feel so used that ain't right
I just wanna run and hide
I don't have the time to cry it's ALRIGHT (it's ALRIGHT)
ALRIGHT
many thoughts are running through my head, it's ALRIGHT
wishing to be somewhere else but here, it's ALRIGHT
I can't wait to see your face
I need a smile and your embrace, and I'm ALRIGHT
ALRIGHT
life can bring us through many changes, it’s ALRIGHT
just don't give up, know that it’s gonna be ALRIGHT
people come and they go
it's just the way that it goes, everything is everything
It’s ALRIGHT
sometime the rain it makes me sad and it's ALRIGHT
some things in the world make me mad and it's ALRIGHT
in the morning when I see the sun I know I'm not the only one
its ALRIGHT
ALRIGHT
wish I had some money to pay my bills.....
I can't even buy that dress on sale but it's ALRIGHT
having money don't mean a thing
loving you is everything
I'm ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT.
life can bring us through many changes, it’s ALRIGHT
just don't give up, know that it’s gonna be ALRIGHT
people come and they go
it's just the way that it goes, everything is everything
It's Alright.
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