This Love.....From Loss

Through tragedy, love presented itself and our worlds were brought together, as our worlds were instantly shattered. The irony in that is nothing less than questionable, but we are able to see it and are captivated by the ability we all have to forget our differences and come together in the name of love and loss. You didn’t really need to know him to see the impact that his life had on people. The night before the decision was left up to God to bring his angel home, the moment of silence was haunting as we all realized that we were about to say goodbye to a precious soul….it was truly the loudest silence I’d ever been in and I hear it all the time now.

I have struggled to be ok with the loss of my friend, for selfish reasons. But his passing has brought so many people together. Some connections that have been on hold for so long have been made again, while new connections have forged in the name of love. God makes no mistakes, no matter how horrible it may seem and just because it doesn’t look good, it still can work for good. There were promises made to keep in touch, to reach out more, to leave nothing unsaid and I pray that we all come through on those promises. Was it God’s plan to show us how important our connections to each other are by taking away one so blessed? When it’s all said and done, understanding is not necessary to receive the message that we all should take a step back and edit the way we look at relationships that we have and take the time to embrace those connections that mean the most to us.

I hope that our friends passing was not in vain and I pray that the legacy that was left is that of love, friendship and connection. If he truly was the soul that we knew him to be, it would be honoring him as a man to remember how precious life is…..he LIVED every moment; To cherish our friendships and remember to tell those we love how fortunate we all are to have each other; To open our hearts to new connections and friendships; and, to reach out for every last moment we have because in a blink, everything can change.

As I celebrate Thanksgiving, I am thankful that I know you all. To my friend…..I honor the life you lived and the life I have come to know with you. Thank you for being a part of my journey and I will never forget you for the fun spirit that you brought to this world…..to my world. I promise to grasp every moment that I can and try to truly live out my purpose in life. You have joined my army of Angels that I turn to in moments of doubt and I find comfort in knowing that. You are gone…but far from forgotten….For Real.

No Idea

I could get lost in your brown eyes easily…..and finding the way out would be the last thing on my mind. There is a really sweet soul there that I want to know more about. Your smile, your laugh…..it brought comfort to me that I didn’t realize I had missed for a while. The best afternoon I have spent in ages could only get better with a kiss. Simple and sweet….with a hint of passion.

I’m sure you have no idea.

The inflections in your face, as you focus so intently on the task at hand, makes me want to lean over and kiss your forehead.

I’m sure you have no idea.

I want to touch your face and feel the softness of your beard against my cheek. My lips would find a home at the curve of your neck. As I pull you tightly against my body, my ears listen for the exhausted sigh of comfort as you sink into my arms.

And I’m sure you have no idea…..

This Type Love

I'm hoping that I may find a guy who calls me handsome instead of hot. Who will lie under the stars and fall asleep listening to my heartbeat or will stay awake just to watch me sleep and dream of him. I'm going to wait for the man who kisses my forehead and is not afraid to show me off to the world....even when I may not be looking my best. I want a man who will hold my hand in front of his friends and be proud of our accomplished love. A man who is constantly reminding me of how much he cares and loves me and just how lucky he is to have me in his life. The man who will turn to his friends and say, "That's the One" and not be afraid to receive that kind of love from me. I want to find a man that makes me want to do all of those things for him.

I have spent so much time narrowing down everything that I might want in a man that I seem to have forgotten, at some point, to consider what kind of man I don’t want. As much as I’d like to think it’s as simple as just saying that I want someone that treats me the way I want to be treated, there’s so much more than that to be considered. Sometimes, it’s not enough.

The kind of man that I don’t want is the one that confines me. Disabling my spirit to fly and caging the very thing that I am sure drew them into my world to begin with. It’s funny how we all seem to want “that guy” and when we have him, we tend to do everything we can to try and make them over…..to mold them into the person that we want them to be. Meanwhile, we are taking away from them the ability to evolve in the relationship. Why waste the time with a love that you are just going to try and make over? Finding the right guy should be much like finding a new house….. A guy that is “move in ready”, meaning, he does not need to be remodeled, redone or molded into the ideal person that we want them to be. And, in return, he is ready to live in “my house” as is. Let’s channel all of that energy we are wasting trying to change him and put the effort into decorating each other and make being together comfortable and effortless. Don’t come in knocking down walls and building new spaces that there never meant to be there to begin with.

I had a love once. A love that I thought would last forever. And, although God had a different plan, I am blessed to have gotten a glimpse of what love can look like. Sometimes I worry that I am not going to find the love that I want….or deserve….or desire. The idea that I will not have that “happily ever after” creeps its way into my thoughts from time to time, but I refuse to let it consume me. I am not looking for love, but I dream of love finding me one day and holding me captive in the possibility of forever again. I want to be caught up in loves grasp.

I pray that love, real love, will one day cover me in all its splendor and warm my soul, for real.

#LIFE

In the absence of understanding who we are and where we’ve come from, it’s impossible to figure out where we are going and, more importantly, how we will get there. As we struggle for understanding, there is a serious need to step outside of the selfish ideals that “I” is all that matters or that “my group’s life” matters more. No group or person holds the patent on struggle and oppression….we are all in this world together. MLK said best, “injustice anywhere, is injustice everywhere”. Why have we lost sight of this?

All lives matter. I may have more insight into my struggles as a black man….or a gay man…..but there needs to be compassion for those that are not like me, but are still in the midst of their own struggles. How many human lives have to be destroyed before we come to realize that “I am my brother’s keeper”?

I want to speak to my black people out there; our lives matter. There should be civil unrest every single time a black man or woman is killed by the police or racially profiled by anyone. But, let me ask you this……when are we going to stop killing each other? When are OUR lives going to matter to each other enough to stop murdering each other? If we don’t respect the lives of each other, how do we expect the world to respect our lives? When are we going to stop trying to claim a bigger piece of oppression and show compassion to the others that are in a similar boat?

I know that our history in this country is marred by slavery….families torn apart on the auction blocks, our women raped, our men beaten and broken down. When is it ok to stop being so damn angry about it and realize that it’s time to work together to make changes happen? Just because we are LOUDER than the other groups that have the same struggle doesn’t mean we are going to be heard. The messages are being missed by our inability to see that the only way WE can make it is if the rest of the country/world see the compassion we have for each other.
We all have a responsibility to each other. We should ALL be upset about the senseless killing of black a man or black woman, but we should be equally pissed when a white person is murdered….or an Asian person….or Hispanic. We are all connected in the world, people!

I want to speak to my gay people out there; we are in the midst of fantastic strides in our social acceptance in this country. The supreme court of the land has validated our civil rights and the pendulum of justice is finally swinging our way. Having said that, the Gay Struggle is not the new Black Struggle. I have thought about this for some time now and I get why some of us gay people like to think this, but I think we need to look at the history of the country to understand why so many people are upset by this. The struggle that black people have endured in this country since it was founded had reached depths so heinous that we all should feel blessed that we are in the place that we are in. Hell, even me, as a black man, will never really understand what real struggle is because of all the heroes and sheroes that came before me.

At the end of the day, both groups need to stop comparing scars and show a little compassion and help each other heal.

All life is precious. All life matters. Let’s embrace our differences and try to see where the other group is coming from by seeing the fight from their eyes. If we do this, we will find we share more things in common than some may think. Let’s all march together, one voice with a common message of equality, after all, that’s all any of us want….For Real.

If I Were a Bird

I can see everything from up here. I would be able to look back at where I came from with the ability to revisit the places that gave the most joy. Where happiness lived a full life and thrived. Like the first Christmas, the endless hours of laughing with my cousins who were my sisters, the times when I pretended to be my favorite black boy band on the street in front of Grannies Mississippi house. Where my innocence still existed and I was untouched.

I would no longer be afraid to look back on the times that did not hold fast the dreams of this black boy. I could look back on the constant punches in the name of man-hood, the visual of my angel falling down in the name of love, the latch key loneliness. My wings would spread and allow me to escape….or return…or soar into blue sky of anticipation of where I’d go next. My wings would take me to places that I have longed to go but for whatever the reason, I have been afraid to be. And, walking doesn’t get me there fast enough and it prevents me from making a timely escape, I don’t think I was meant to walk among them.

At moments, I am afraid to be so high above them. I make attempts to fly lower so that they can still see me there with them, but it doesn’t seem to work….they want me to be there with them and the judgement comes. They don’t understand that a spirit bridled dies a horrible death and I have been resuscitated for the last time.

Freedom comes to some with the ease of the morning dawn and the rising of the moon. They are able to fly or walk in the presence of those that come to lock away the spirit that makes them who they are. At times, they are forced to hold back their freedom in the name of honesty to those they love, but at the expense of the love they have for themselves making freedom sad and non-existent. In that moment, they become their own captors.

If I were a bird….you would still love me and you would want to. I’d be the truest version of me, the me that you have caught glimpses of and have been drawn to. You would have to let go of who you think I am and embrace me…and you would still love me in my honesty. And if selfish love prevents you from going there with me, either you never loved me or I never showed you me. In both cases, the loss is hard, but the rebirth of a new understanding is promising and you could still love me…..the real me.

I am no longer coming back ….I am here.

A Celebration of Life

I am blessed to see yet another year and to God goes the glory. The examination of my life over the last year makes my jaw drop thinking about where I am now versus where I was this time last year. I would have never thought that I would be in this place at this time. No matter how much I prayed that God would order my steps onto a new path, I am happy where I am today……and to God goes the glory.

The celebration this year will be for the one that God chose to bring me into this world and to guide me through this life. Now, I don’t remember what happened on the day I was born, but I do know that I was connected, comforted and made safe in that moment in her arms. I imagined that she held me and cried….she does that. My guess is that she was scared….she was just barely 18 years old and didn’t even know how to take care of herself, let alone a new born baby. I also assume that she never really knew what real love was until that moment. She was assured that, besides her momma and daddy, there was going to be one more person in this world that will love her for the rest of her life.

One of the greatest things about her is that, despite the demons she had to battle, despite the bumps and bruises she endured in the name of love, despite the struggles and insecurities that try to stall her……she always puts me first and loves me unconditionally. When I told her that I was gay, there wasn’t a moment of hesitation in her love for me. Never once did she question me……she just said that she loves me no matter what. Unconditionally…..without condition, her love is never quid pro quo.

I am the person that I am because of the grace of God and I thank God every single day for my momma.

Momma, thank you for always being there for me……”thank you” just doesn’t seem to say enough, but I am pretty sure that there are no words that can truly express the gratitude that I have for you. From the first birthday until this one, you have been that voice of reason, the counselor when I had no idea what to do or where to go, the shoulder for my tears and the best friend I’ll ever know. How blessed am I to have you in my life…..

The bond that a child develops with his mother can never be severed. I grew as an organism inside her for nine months. She carried me and sustained me, sharing her sustenance with me through my umbilical cord. When I was born, that cord was severed, but it never severed in our hearts. That bond will lasts forever. Sometimes, my life can become crazy and I’m all over the place from time to time and it may seem as though I forgot the woman that cared for me and nurtured me through everything. I will never forget and with each passing year, the bond gets stronger.

So, my birthday blessing this year and every year before this and every year that is yet to come is for the one solid force in my life that has always been steadfast in her love for me...…my momma.

I pray that God will continue to keep you, momma, close to Him and safe in His arms as you and I continue on this journey in life. Thank you for praying for me in times when I did not know if God could hear my own prayers. For all the ups and downs; for all the rights and the wrongs……you are my girl and I love you……For Real.

The Reality of Friendship or The Living Eulogy

The Reality
At the Funeral: I can’t believe that he is gone, I mean…..I just saw him yesterday at Starbucks. He always had such a great attitude and a smile that lit up the sky. No….I didn’t have a chance to say hello, I was on my way to….in fact, I haven’t talked to him in months. Oh, Remember that time when we all went to……Damn, I wish I had just one more chance to tell him how much I love him.

Kind words are wasted on the dead. Of course, they make us smile as we drift into memory and look back on the many times that we’ve shared; remembering all of the intricacies and nuances….the things about them that we loved so much. The very things that drew us into their world to begin with and drew them into ours. One of the magnificent things about God’s glory is that every single day that we are blessed to see another day break, we have a chance to celebrate those people in our lives. We have the chance to share those words with each other that make us so happy to know the ones in our lives. The reality, it is hard to keep up with every single person you know. When you have life happening around you, it’s difficult to sometimes even keep up with your own day to day grind.

The Friendship
You may meet someone and instantly, in that moment, you know that you will be best friends forever. Other friendships develop over an extended period of time. In some friendships you feel a sense of equality, while in others there may be a clear sense that one is giving more to the friendship then the other. There are no rules about how a friendship is supposed to work. If we are able to share our lives with another human being, by all means, we should do that. All friendships are unique and special in their own way. Each one is valuable. Friends help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have the absolute and total freedom to be yourself and especially to feel whatever is in the moment for you to feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he or she really is. I have that sort of friendship with a handful of people that I am absolutely able to be vulnerable and real with and share my emotions with.

Time is not on our side when it comes to sharing love…it’s a race against the clock. I don’t want another minute to go by without me letting Troy Z know that when I was going through a bad relationship, it was his texts, calls and words of love that helped me get out and heal. The sunshine you bring to my life helps me grow. I don’t want Jared W to go another day without knowing just how important his mere presence is to me. Erik and Cesario B, shouldn’t go another moment without understanding how much I appreciate finding sanctuary in their home and hearts in the good times and the bad times. Eminent S…..she should know, today, that your soul inspires me. Jessica C has to know that her love releases me into my truth every time I see, talk or text you. Jim H, please recognize that the truth you share with me allows me to share my truth with you…weather you like it or not (LOL). Jacob S, please remember that in the moments that I am down or happy or indifferent, when I see you I smile. David K, you will always be my one true love which makes the friendship that much sweeter. Thanks for making it easy. Jean and Marshane...it's been years, the history will keep us connected forever.

I refuse to waste these words at a funeral…..you all deserve to know now. I won’t eulogize you and let everyone else know how great you are.

You need to know now….For Real!