Prayer

God doesn't answer prayers, but what He will do is present an opportunity to us that will allow our prayers to be answered. One of the greatest gifts that we received from God is free will. God is not some Puppet Master controlling our every move. I think that God is my influencer and He is the voice in my head that gives me pause before a decision is made. Some people call that voice in their head a conscience. Some call it a “gut feeling”. Some may even call it their “Spidey Sense”. What I know it to be is God.

I sometimes get conflicted with the answer for this but here is where faith steps in. I have not gotten everything that I have ever prayed for. I prayed for the winning lottery ticket and that still has not happened....For Real. How is it that God answers prayers when I don’t get what I want? The “disclaimer” is that I have faith in God so whatever His will be done. You see, my steps are order and I’m divinely destined to be and do what God has already planned for me. My purpose in this life is being fulfilled every day in every way. And even when bad things happen or things that I don't understand pop-up in my life I may get sad or mad but the knowledge that I have given my life to God gives me my peace of mind.

When I pray, I ask for guidance, the strength to make tough choices, the will to deal with the circumstances and the confidence to stand in those choices knowing it's the best thing for me even when it doesn’t look good I know it's for the good.

You see, it's my faith....For Real!

You Are My Thanksgiving

You are my sunshine and each day begins and ends with your smile. It’s not lost on me that more rational heads would consider the pace at which our love grows could set a new record for breaking the sound barrier. But I can no more help the way I feel for you as I can the fact the I am gay or black....I was born to love you.

You are the mate that my soul has waited for. Each one before you was merely a prerequisite for the master class of love and devotion that we are students of. I’ve taken a piece of each failed attempt at love and reflected on what love looks like when it good and when it’s not so good. I’ve tried to compare you to the others and see where they went wrong and how right you are but there is no comparison. The only thing that makes sense is that you and I were divinely destined to share in this life all that God has for us. To be in this world together....held gently by the creator of souls....fills my heart with joy. He makes no mistakes.

You are my friend and with each passing day, I become more and more careful to see you as more than just my lover. Oh...the love for you is one thing, but I like you as well. You are such a good person with a heart of gold. Your laugh is loud and from your belly. We sit around and talk it up like lifelong friends sitting on a porch catching up after many years apart. Never missing a beat and I get lost in your smile.

Your are my chosen partner in life and although some of the best romantic movies would require that you and I “complete” each other, I would argue that for me, you enhance an already complete life. I’m thankful that you have chosen me as well to navigate this world with. We are born with the families we have, but to choose a person for life is an amazing gift and honor. Thank you.

You are an inspiration to me. Your character and devotion to self healing and peace of mind help me find ways to do things better...differently. I’m happy to learn from you and take a piece of you with me each day and try to be a better person.

I’ve stopped asking God where you’ve been all my life. You see, my faith in God has been proven over time that God answers prayers in His time. As usual, He is right on time. As we come upon Thanksgiving, I am without a doubt so very thankful that God has blessed my life so to give me my Sunshine, my Soulmate, my Best Friend, my Partner and my Inspiration all wrapped up in one man. My Joe....

Thank you for being in this world and for choosing to share your world.....For Real.

Ransom

You’ve kidnapped me.

You’ve stolen me away from the far too mediocre conversations that come with first meetings. The kind of small talk dedicated to elevators that have no substance and no chance of being more than a "woof". I wanted to struggle and fight because history has taught me that love just don't seem to love me anymore, but your words overpowered me and your eyes captivated me, and I was pulled in.

You've tied me up and gagged me with the possibility of a probable connection and now I don’t want to break free. I just want sit in your world, hear your words and embrace the tightening of the ties that now have me bound.

You've held hostage the lingering wonderment that roams my heart and mind asking the question “is there anybody out there?”. I’ve been caught breathless as I await the answer.

I pray the ransom is too high to pay for my release back into the loving arms of the self-induced loneliness that I’ve convinced myself into thinking is what I need to discover myself again. I’ve never been more sure of me, but your presence is a reminder of 19. The hours seem to pass so quickly.

Then, you kissed me and I have fallen for my captor.

The Power: Self-Reflection

There is power in self-reflection, I am convinced. The fact that you can take a moment and look at how far you have come is an amazing learning opportunity. You can measure the growth that has come with every scar earned when the battle was just heavy enough to ALMOST take you out; there is healing in every tear shed when the battle was too much for you on that day and retreating into yourself was the only way to save up to fight another day. The blessing for me is that, as I look around, the darkest days I’ve seen have been better than someone else’s best day and I am so happy and encouraged as a human that I can acknowledge from where my blessings come.

The journey that I have been on in the recent months is proof to me that every aspect of life can truly be in a place of complete and utter bliss without the misunderstandings of “perfection”. Life is not perfect….ever….and as good as any one day can be, there is always the desire for more. The desire to have something else that will make your life better…not perfect. If work and love are the best they have ever been, finances may not be; your money is great and you love going to work every day, but Cupid has skipped over your heart once again or you wish your lover did or said something better. I’m so used to job, money, and love always being out of sync that I’m not sure how to act when all three things line up….and here’s where I find myself missing out every single time. I begin to worry about what happens when they don’t work again and I start trying to manufacture ways to keep things good at the cost of authentic happiness. I seem to always manage to sabotage my own happiness working diligently to make sure I don’t lose. Meanwhile, the bliss that I once had has slipped away from my grasp without me even realizing it. Then, the cycle begins again.

My question is; what is the secret to “living in the moment”? How is it possible to enjoy the blessings today without worrying about what you would do tomorrow if happiness slips away again?

Confused yet? I mean…I want to live today so good that yesterday is jealous it’s over and tomorrow is excited to arrive without fear or disillusion of what’s to come.

I think that as I get older, there are 2 things that continue to grow within me; my faith in God and my confidence and security in who I am as a person. It’s no secret that I lean very heavy upon my faith in God. It has been tested and proven more times than I care to honestly remember so it remains unshakable. I have been down so low that all I had was packets of catsup in my refrigerator to eat and God saw a way for me to make it over. I’ve been without a single penny to my name until payday and still managed to survive. I know that those things have happened to me to help me in some way and I appreciate every struggle. The struggle and survival are what has helped me gain a firm footing in myself and has given me the confidence that no matter what happens, I will always make it over. Is this recent lining up of the stars a reward for enduring the hard times? Perhaps.

But, if that is the case, I am going to take this moment and give myself just a little bit of credit for all of the mountains I have had to climb and all of the currents that I’ve had to swim against ….I have made it this far…..I have conquered so many demons and I have awoken from so many nightmares that I want to enjoy dreaming a peaceful dream; After all “ain’t no need to worry what the night is going to bring……it will be all over in the morning.”

Always giving honor to my God for my mind, body, and soul and I pray for continued clarity as I take the next steps in my journey.

Mirrors

In my life I’ve learned that bitter hearts won’t hold a smile and troubled minds will wear us all down. One of the most challenging things that I face is being able to look back at my past life and understand that everything I have experienced has led to the very moment I am in right now. That’s not a bad thing. Letting my past help me get ahead and go forward with the knowledge that I may not be quite where I want to be, but I well beyond where I used to be and I welcome the future with a scary excitement that helps me keep my eye on the prize. What lessons have I learned? The reality is that I make attempts to learn from my mistakes all of the time and I hold back my tears (when I can) and I think “You have to find a way to make it. These clouds won’t last and will let up for a while”. I’m not always successful with that, but with each attempt I become less afraid to try. Sometimes you have to make the mirror your best friend and maybe….just maybe, that’s when you’ll find peace of mind. Loving yourself when it seems that no one else can….that’s peace of mind. For Real.

I’m not saying that is the remedy for everyone, truth be told, it’s not always my remedy. I portray strength and I reflect on things and remember what my mentors, family and close friends have taught me but I never know the right answer. I pray. I tell myself that no matter what, I will achieve and with every failure, I brush my shoulders off because there will always be bridges that I will have to cross and I will always find a way to make it because….the clouds always let up for a while.
Life as I experience it is about humanity and spirituality. Connecting with people and understanding my insignificance AND relevance in the grand scheme of things puts me both in a position to learn something and to teach something. I just want to do what’s right even when it’s not the popular thing to do…..even when I want to slap the hell out of all of it….even when I know that it won’t be in my favor. My God….that is the hardest thing ever!

I suppose that the immediate benefit of doing what is right is the feeling that I get when I know that what I did…or said had a positive impact on someone else’s day. So, attempt to be nice whenever the opportunity presents itself. After all, the people we see every day are fighting battles that we never know about and that smile could be the one thing good that happens for them that day. I assure you….it can change a life.

All praise to the The Most High for always being the focal point in my life and for helping me to remember that the clouds always let up….for a while. For Real

Here we go again

And…it has happened…again.

The devastation that weighs heavy on my soul is the shatter of hearts and homes. The despair on the faces of my brothers and sisters that reads like a very bad horror novel. Hope is all we have if we trust in it like the infancy of a new born baby and nourish it with faith, we can not only rebuild the home and hearts…we can rebuild the spirt and mend the soul. But, that is just not enough anymore.

There are 58 souls to add to the reasons that things need to change. But there are countless numbers of hearts that will never be the same again. The world appreciates the thoughts and prayers, but thoughts don’t change laws and prayers can’t call or kiss or embrace the loved ones lost.

Evil perched himself high above the innocent and took its time. Arranged its nest to slaughter its prey and to make them feel the wrath of what I can only imagine was a chaotic caldron of calculated callousness. He was a coward.

I can’t help but to wonder why. I want to understand what would make a person do something so absolutely heinous. To be honest, no explanation would ever be enough…but I just want to know. Why was he sooooo determined to ruin the lives of so many people…..people that he never even met. He never met that couple married for 32 years…high school sweethearts. Now, he has to talk about his beloved wife and best friend in past tense. He never met the 23 year old daughter and college student with nothing but promise and possibility ahead of her. He never met the 56 other souls that he determined meant nothing to this world or the people in it.
But, this is just another news story. This is just another reason for those of us against the current gun laws to say “see, we need new laws” and for those that “believe in the 2nd amendment” to say “Leave our guns alone”. What more does it take? How many lives have to be shattered before we can sit down and realize that it’s easier to change the laws to keep guns out of the hands of people that shouldn’t have them than it is to change the hearts and minds of evil?

The leader of our country is not going to help us to soothe and he certainly isn’t going to do anything to change the laws. What more does he need? And….if one more person says ANYTHING about the number of gun deaths in Chicago I’m going to explode! Yes…gun violence in cities like Chicago and Houston are pretty high. In fact, 58 people were killed in Chicago over a 28 day period. In Las Vegas, 58 people died due to gun violence in about 11 minutes. All of those lives lost are sad, but why pinpoint Chicago? My opinion is that when you quote the stats for Chicago, it tends to be a great argument for the reason why more people in America should run out and buy more guns to “keep them safe”. What about the 58 souls lost in Las Vegas? What does the level of gun violence have to do with the fact that 1 man was able to purchase in excess of 20 gun…of all types? Why did this one man need that many guns? I don’t know a lot….but I do know that he was not protecting himself from anything. He was not guarding his home and personal property…he was perched high above a crowd of unsuspecting people enjoying a concert. WTF?

I have no answers….just questions. It’s hard for me to phantom this sort of evil. Maya Angelou says “we are all human, therefore, nothing human can be alien to us”. So….if this sort of evil can be in this man….this much more love can be in all of us.

I understand that prayers can’t change laws…but they touch the soul. So, giving praise to the Most High, I end with this scripture:
Be Anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable….if anything is excellent or praiseworthy…think on these things.

Highway To Heaven

When I think of death, and of late the idea has come with alarming frequency, I seem at peace with the idea that a day will dawn when I will no longer be among those living in this valley of strange humors. I can accept the idea of my own demise, but I am unable to accept the death of anyone else. I find it impossible to let a friend or relative go into that country of no return.
Disbelief becomes my close companion, and anger follows in its wake.
I answer the heroic question 'Death, where is thy sting? ' with ' it is here in my heart and mind and memories. - Maya Angelou

I struggle a bit with the topic of death simply because I am not sure how I can or would handle losing people that are close to me. But, I ran across the above quote from Maya Angelou that really puts into perspective why I feel the way I do….it kinda gives me justification to feel this way. However, part of the responsibility of living is excepting the idea that at some point, my life will be over and I will expire…..cease to breath……die. However, the other part and most important part responsibility of living is……living. Aaron and Sydi Collins….AC and CoCo did just that. The untimely death of these souls should simply be a footnote in the 40 plus years that they have lived on this earth. We cannot let 40 plus years of two wonderful lives be forgotten as we focus on the day they died.

Until just a few days ago, I have not had to deal with very much death. However, no matter how much I think about it and try to wrap my rational brain around it, the fact is I miss those that leave this world as I am sure that I would be missed. The tears that line our face are there because we won’t have the physical connection with them anymore. We are not going to be able to make more memories or remember WITH them the times that we’ve shared with them. Now, we have to get used to referring to them using words like “used to”….or starting sentences by saying “AC and CoCo would have loved this”.

In Dr. Angelou’s quote, she says that she “seems to be at peace with the idea that a day will dawn when I will no longer be among those living in the valley of strange humor.” However, she cannot accept the death of anyone else. I get that. I would much rather leave this world than have to deal with the loss of someone that I love or care deeply for. And, to think that someone that loves me deeply will have to deal with my passing makes me sad…..it is a very depressing circle, For Real!

All that being said, today, I am facing that loss again; my dear, sweet cousin and his wife are gone to glory….riding the Harley to Heaven.

The tears I cry for them are scary for me because the selfish part of me knows that I will never talk to them again or hug them. I live by the creed “if it’s God’s will, let it be done”, but that does not help to ease the pain of losing someone that you have built a lifetime of memories with. You may have known them for 15 years or 15 days, the impact of them passing will still be felt. Dr. Angelou answers the question “Death, where is thy sting?” is very profound to met….the sting is in the memories that we will continue to live with and reflect on because they are gone.

As much as I am feeling this loss, my thought go to their siblings and most importantly to their parents. The natural order of things is that children should burry their parents and not the other way around. I will search for the right words to comfort or console them, but I know that I don’t have the words to share because there are none available that will help them to deal with the pain they are all feeling. I can only embrace them and pretend to be a shroud over them protecting them from every other pain they may be feeling because I know that this pain is cutting them deeply.
I pray that God will continue to keep us all close to him, especially the parents and siblings of Aaron and Sydni. I hope that God with continue to hold the hands of the chosen family that they have. The brothers and sisters that were truly ride or die with them. I pray that God will help us understand that in all that He does it is marvelous and though we may not understand it and we may be angry and ask God “WHY” I hope that He carries us that extra mile to understanding and at the end of the day, we will continue to praise Him and be thankful for the blessings that we have. I will pray that we all will hold on the God’s unchanging hand and find comfort in Him. God, please show us all that this, too, shall pass and help us to find peace in knowing that Aaron and Sydni are gone but will truly never be forgotten. Giving all praise to the Most Hight for all of His blessings. Amen.

My Truth

Sometimes….

I feel blessed. As if God is touching my life in ways that don’t see reason or understanding. When the morning finds me with new breath and a new opportunity to see the greatness of Him and the day holds mysteries that I am both anxious and afraid to face. Blessed that when I get a message from my momma just to say hello, I know that she too knows the grace of God and breathes it all in.

I feel cheated. As if the life I long for in the deepest parts of my desires have been given to someone else. The marriages, the children, the houses, the vacations, the bodies, the salaries and I wonder “why not me?”.

I feel angry. As if those things that are out of my control are my fault still and I begin to blame myself. I take things so personally at times and I feel helpless. I’m afraid of anger because I know how difficult it can be for me to see my way back from such hard place. I pray.

I feel sad. And, I cry.

I feel joy. It rumbles from inside my soul and shoots out the tips of my fingers and toes and from the top of my head. My eyes reflect all of it and if you look deep enough you can almost see it. It’s like a tender kiss from God as a reminder that no matter what, I am not forgotten.

I feel Peace. It washes over me in moments…and stops me in my tracks, mid-step sometimes and it cradles me like the mother of a new born baby. It’s gentle and surreal. It comes to me amid chaos and soothes me back into myself. It helps me appreciate my blessings, accept MY journey, holds my anger at bay, comforts my tears and celebrates my joy. It represents the truest existence of God I know.

One Day My Soul Just Opened Up.....

It’s often that I find it hard to explain my faith in God and why I have that faith. All I can say is…..
One Day my soul just opened up….

And things started happening, things I can’t quite explain.
I mean…I cried and cried like never before
I cried tears of ten thousand mothers
I couldn’t even feel anything because
I cried ‘til I was numb.

One Day my soul just opened up…

I felt this overwhelming pride
What I was proud of, only God knows!
Like the pride of ten thousand fathers
Basking in the glory of their newborn sons
I was grinnin’ from ear to ear!

One Day my soul just opened up…

I started laughing
And I laughed for what seemed like forever
Wasn’t nothing particularly funny going on
But I laughed anyhow
I laughed the joy of a million children playing in the mud
I laughed until my sides ached
Oh, God! It felt so good!

One Day my soul just opened up…

There were revelations, annihilations, and resolutions
Feelings of doubt and betrayal, vengeance and forgiveness
Memories of things I’d seen and done before
Of places I’d been, although I didn’t know when
There were lives I’d lived
People I’d loved
Battles I’d fought
Victories I’d won
And, wars I’d lost

One Day my soul just opened up…

And out poured all the things I’d been hiding
And denying
And living through
That had just happened moments before.

One Day my soul just opened up….

And I decided
I was good and ready, good and ready
To surrender my life to God

So, with my soul wide open
I sat down
Wrote God a note
And told her so.

Ready For Love

Ready for Love….standing here steady for Love, but love can’t seem to find me. When I think cupid’s arrow is pointing my way, it hits the person behind me. You see, I think Cupid is blind…ya, see? But, no more Toni Braxton’s “Another Sad Love Song”.....no more lonely nights or weekends and he’s always there when I need him. With a smile so bright, that every time he parts his lips to smile he can cause an eclipse. His kisses are sweeter than triple chocolate fudge with a cherry on top. I tell you, this man I got…...he never disrespects me, he just lets me….be me. I’d wash his feet like Jesus, because like Lazarus, he brought me back from the dead. I could never deny him or verbally crucify him, I just want to be by him.

In every sense of the word I need him. No need checking my DNA, I’d bleed him; Turn me into Stevie Wonder and I’d still see him; Cut off my oxygen and I’ll still breathe him. I just gotta be near him. Make me deaf and dumb and I’ll still hear him. In love I gave up and had no luck and just like Humpty Dumpty I fell off that great wall and I’m all broke up. When I mention his name I’ll get all choked up and tongue twisted. To him, I am addicted.

And, when we are in private quarters, I follow all his orders and like Coming to America’s Prince Akeem, he sho know how to make my Soul Glo. He’s my Russell Crowe, he's a Gladiator and he has a Beautiful Mind.

God must have heard my prayers when I sent them above. I’m so happy I was ready and prepared for love.

An Unwasted Journey

A man that views the world at 50 the same way he viewed the world at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life. – Muhammad Ali

I was sitting on the sofa watching the Bet Awards when I first recalled hearing this quote. Muhammad Ali’s daughter, Layla Ali, was thanking the audience for all of the support that she and her family had received after her father’s passing and remembered this quote as words she has come to live by. Those simple words….an honest observation of one’s own life and the fear of not living it, spoke volumes to me in that moment. And, over the last 2 weeks as I thought about what the last year has been for me, I knew that my philosophy about life and living would be forever altered.

The last year has been different for me and it’s taken me some time over the last few weeks to understand why and what’s been so different. What I have come to understand is that I feel as though I have gained more confidence in myself. Not the outward, selfie photo taking self, but the kind of confidence that can’t be found through the adornment of others or in the number of likes a Facebook status update receives. It’s the kind of confidence that comes with walking firmly in my own shoes and owning me….all of me…..whatever it means. I’m stepping further into my 40’s a little less afraid of what others think and more conscience of myself and how I want to be viewed. To me, there is a difference between caring what people think of you and being aware of who you are. At this point, I’m pretty aware of who I am. I think that my experiences in life have lead me to this very place and although some of my choices may not have always been the best, I own them and wear the consequences as a badge of honor. In other words, my soul remains intact….my spirit is unbroken.

The man I was at 20….For Real! That man, had confidence, but it was a false sense of self that fueled that confidence and ultimately held him back. He was the desperate seeker of outside acknowledgement with a false sense of confidence that lead to bad choices, broken promises and a tainted soul. The saving grace was God’s amazing grace. You see, God specializes in tainted souls and broken spirits. And, as I sit her on the eve of #42, I’m blessed that I understand that there is no testimony without a test and with those tests, I know that I don’t see the world at 42 the way I did at 20. I’ve allowed myself to evolve over time and I have taken the opportunity to simply……breathe….to take it all in. I’m still scared sometimes, but I’m not afraid.

I continue to thank God for His many blessings…..even on the days that I feel that God may not be there for me and things just aren’t going right. In those moments, I thank Him even more. I appreciate the bad times because they don’t really come that often for me so when they do, I know that there is an opportunity to learn and become closer to my faith.

I am thankful for the best softball teammates I could ask for. This year has been a special year for us and personally, it has been one of the best years of playing I’ve had and it’s because of the great men I am honored to play with and learn from. I appreciate and love them all.

I continue to thank God for my mother……anyone that knows me, knows that she is second only to God in my life; Momma….with tears in my eyes and I sit here and write this, know that you are the rock of my life and every year on my birthday, I celebrate YOU because my life up until now would mean nothing without you. I love you. I’m thankful for the rest of my family and friends that all contribute to helping me be the best person I can be.

The older I get and with every experience, I am gaining a greater sense of self and that is what life is all about. You have to celebrate the good, but be equally enthusiastic to learn from the bad…I’m still learning, but the journey has been great…..For Real!

An Unintended Honor

I served and it was never my intention to do so. All I wanted to do was make my mother happy, whatever the cost, and that meant college, being a lawyer or a doctor and not going to jail. Seemed easy enough, right? After all, the pictures of MLK, JFK and Jesus’ Last Supper on my grannie’s wall was a reminder that I could do anything….even the black man in the picture cosigned that and had a dream about it. I was set. In my mind, there was one little problem; how can I continue to hide this secret? I’m mean, I have a crush on my best friend….who is a guy AND white, if I stay in Memphis I could never go to the place where other people that have the same desires that I do go, what if someone sees me and tells my mother? She would lose her ENTIRE mind if she knew that in the darkest, nastiest places in my mind, I thought of marrying my best friend and laying with him in the same way that I would lay with a girl. I couldn’t imagine hurting my momma and if it meant me acting contrary to my feelings….well, let me get this Academy Award, just call me Denzel….For Real.

So….college; there was no way I would or could even think of affording to go to college in any place other than Memphis and that would have been a great struggle for my momma. Could she have pulled it off…..probably, she is pretty fucking amazing….just saying, but there were no “GoFundMe” pages back in the day so my college tuition would be a burden carried on the back of my momma and she was already doubled over from carrying the shit she has for her entire life. When Shannon told me that he was following in the footsteps of his father that he and I both admired and joining the Navy, I thought it was a great idea. I mean, I had already thought about joining the Army because of my granddaddy, but those damn desires were there and if I got found out in the Army, they would kill me…literally. So…..HELL NO! But, Shannon and I could join the Navy together, go to boot camp together and get stationed together. That felt safe to me so I was set and my momma and the entire family LOVED it.

It wasn’t easy for me to get in the Navy. You see, I’m fat. No matter how many times I lose weight, no matter how much weight I lose….I will always be fat. Let’s just put that out there. Shannon and I joined the Delayed Entry Program early in our senior year of high school and it was well understood that I needed to lose weight and there was plenty of time for me to do so. I worked my ass off to try to lose weight and I had done a decent job at it. When we graduated, Shannon and I went to went to visit his brother in Panama City, FL. We had fun…..a little too much fun. When we got home, our recruiter told us that our date to go to boot camp had been moved up. Shannon would leave first and I would go the following week. Well, Shannon left for boot camp, the follow week when I went to get processed to leave, I was told that I did not meet the body fat requirement and could not join the Navy. My world came crashing down.

But, with a LOT of hard work and the help of my momma and God, on August 24, 1992 I joined the United States Navy.

I was deathly afraid that I would still have to keep my true self hidden and since Shannon and I could not go to book camp and get stationed together, I was on my own. I had heard stories of men getting beat up, teased and hazed for being Gay. Not to mention, if the Navy knew that I was Gay, they would kick me out. I served on the aircraft carrier, USS Independence (CV-62) and did a tour of the Gulf. I served on the USS Duluth (LPD-6) and did another tour of the Gulf; then, I was stationed at the Naval Legal Service Office, Naval Station Bremerton. I was fortunate enough to meet men and women from all over this great country of ours and forged lasting connections with some amazing people. I learned that contrary to what anyone in our government says, there were LOTS of gay men and women in the Navy….both officer and enlisted…..and we all served honorably and we did our job. When my straight shipmates would take me out drinking and ultimately ask me if I was Gay, I would trust them with the truth and they understood that we were brothers in the same Navy and we had a mutual respect for each other. Even though I opted to get out of the Navy because of DADT, I don’t regret a single one of the 8 years I served and I would gladly do it again.

Thanks to all of the men and women that have served before me and especially to those who laid down their lives for this country, we all stand on the shoulders of braver souls…..we should all thank God them.

What I gained from my experience in the Navy is something that I don’t think I could have learned in college. I needed structure and balance and the Navy gave that to me. I learned what true Honor, Courage and Commitment means.

I am a United States Navy veteran…..and I’m proud about it, for real.

The Love Letter

Dear, Excuses

I hope this letter finds you in good spirits and doing well. This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but it’s something that needs to happen and, quite frankly, it’s been a long time in the making. I will tell you that I have loved for as long as I can remember. Our journey together has been so amazing and I will forever cherish every step we’ve taken together. But, with the good, comes the bad and I’m tired….I’ve taken all I can and I need to move on.

Trust me, this is not easy. In the beginning, you were so full of confidence and optimism and over the last few years, that confidence has faded and cynicism has become the norm. Oh, I occasionally catch a glimpse of that spirit that soars on wings that catch the wind and sends you to places of peace, but it’s not nearly as consistent as it used to be and I miss the man you were. You used to put me first in EVERYTHING. You would love me without condition and now I barely see any affection from you at all. You started putting others before me, inviting other people into our bed and it only made me feel worthless and emptier. The only consistent thing from you were the excuses to make a change and do better and it never lasted. When I would say something to you about it, you would just look at me with those eyes…..flashing that smile…..

You always focused on what YOU wanted and you never asked me what I thought would be best for the both of us. You never took the time to consider that I would be ok with some of those shenanigans as long as you still made time for us. Well, I’m done waiting for you to come around.

I want control of my future back….a future that does not include you. I need to focus on me…for the last time…..again. You can sit there and laugh at me all you want thinking that you’ve heard this all before and you’re right, you have. But, what makes this time different from the rest is that I can see no future in what we are doing. I’m ok with our past, but I need to consider our future and MY future does not include you.

I can’t talk about the consistently bad behaviors that you exhibit without acknowledging the fact that I kept coming back and allowing you to do this shit. At some point, I have to let you go. It pisses me off more and more every single time I think about it which has been a lot lately and I’m tired of being pissed off…I’m tired of the excuses……and I’m tired of being tired.

Here’s what I want from you…..NOTHING. Which is what you have given to me over the last few years and, once again, I’m tired.
Here’s what a want from me…..EVERYTHING. A relationship that is based on loving me first, feeding more than my face, but feeding my mind, spirit and soul. It seems that when I would break away from you long enough to get things going, you would find a way to come right back in, I’m tired.

For me, the timing couldn’t be better because there is someone else that I love more than you. And, the funny thing is that he was there in front of my eye the entire time. He was always encouraging me to leave you for him, but I just could not let you go. However, you are about to be a distant memory. I will admit that it’s not going to be easy, I have gotten so use to your mistreatment, I am not sure I will know how to accept anything else, but I’m going to try because anything is better than you.

So, to quote Angela Bassett in “Waiting to Exhale”……Get yo shit….Get yo shit…..and GET out!


Yours Truly

Cookie 4 Real....

This Love.....From Loss

Through tragedy, love presented itself and our worlds were brought together, as our worlds were instantly shattered. The irony in that is nothing less than questionable, but we are able to see it and are captivated by the ability we all have to forget our differences and come together in the name of love and loss. You didn’t really need to know him to see the impact that his life had on people. The night before the decision was left up to God to bring his angel home, the moment of silence was haunting as we all realized that we were about to say goodbye to a precious soul….it was truly the loudest silence I’d ever been in and I hear it all the time now.

I have struggled to be ok with the loss of my friend, for selfish reasons. But his passing has brought so many people together. Some connections that have been on hold for so long have been made again, while new connections have forged in the name of love. God makes no mistakes, no matter how horrible it may seem and just because it doesn’t look good, it still can work for good. There were promises made to keep in touch, to reach out more, to leave nothing unsaid and I pray that we all come through on those promises. Was it God’s plan to show us how important our connections to each other are by taking away one so blessed? When it’s all said and done, understanding is not necessary to receive the message that we all should take a step back and edit the way we look at relationships that we have and take the time to embrace those connections that mean the most to us.

I hope that our friends passing was not in vain and I pray that the legacy that was left is that of love, friendship and connection. If he truly was the soul that we knew him to be, it would be honoring him as a man to remember how precious life is…..he LIVED every moment; To cherish our friendships and remember to tell those we love how fortunate we all are to have each other; To open our hearts to new connections and friendships; and, to reach out for every last moment we have because in a blink, everything can change.

As I celebrate Thanksgiving, I am thankful that I know you all. To my friend…..I honor the life you lived and the life I have come to know with you. Thank you for being a part of my journey and I will never forget you for the fun spirit that you brought to this world…..to my world. I promise to grasp every moment that I can and try to truly live out my purpose in life. You have joined my army of Angels that I turn to in moments of doubt and I find comfort in knowing that. You are gone…but far from forgotten….For Real.

No Idea

I could get lost in your brown eyes easily…..and finding the way out would be the last thing on my mind. There is a really sweet soul there that I want to know more about. Your smile, your laugh…..it brought comfort to me that I didn’t realize I had missed for a while. The best afternoon I have spent in ages could only get better with a kiss. Simple and sweet….with a hint of passion.

I’m sure you have no idea.

The inflections in your face, as you focus so intently on the task at hand, makes me want to lean over and kiss your forehead.

I’m sure you have no idea.

I want to touch your face and feel the softness of your beard against my cheek. My lips would find a home at the curve of your neck. As I pull you tightly against my body, my ears listen for the exhausted sigh of comfort as you sink into my arms.

And I’m sure you have no idea…..

This Type Love

I'm hoping that I may find a guy who calls me handsome instead of hot. Who will lie under the stars and fall asleep listening to my heartbeat or will stay awake just to watch me sleep and dream of him. I'm going to wait for the man who kisses my forehead and is not afraid to show me off to the world....even when I may not be looking my best. I want a man who will hold my hand in front of his friends and be proud of our accomplished love. A man who is constantly reminding me of how much he cares and loves me and just how lucky he is to have me in his life. The man who will turn to his friends and say, "That's the One" and not be afraid to receive that kind of love from me. I want to find a man that makes me want to do all of those things for him.

I have spent so much time narrowing down everything that I might want in a man that I seem to have forgotten, at some point, to consider what kind of man I don’t want. As much as I’d like to think it’s as simple as just saying that I want someone that treats me the way I want to be treated, there’s so much more than that to be considered. Sometimes, it’s not enough.

The kind of man that I don’t want is the one that confines me. Disabling my spirit to fly and caging the very thing that I am sure drew them into my world to begin with. It’s funny how we all seem to want “that guy” and when we have him, we tend to do everything we can to try and make them over…..to mold them into the person that we want them to be. Meanwhile, we are taking away from them the ability to evolve in the relationship. Why waste the time with a love that you are just going to try and make over? Finding the right guy should be much like finding a new house….. A guy that is “move in ready”, meaning, he does not need to be remodeled, redone or molded into the ideal person that we want them to be. And, in return, he is ready to live in “my house” as is. Let’s channel all of that energy we are wasting trying to change him and put the effort into decorating each other and make being together comfortable and effortless. Don’t come in knocking down walls and building new spaces that there never meant to be there to begin with.

I had a love once. A love that I thought would last forever. And, although God had a different plan, I am blessed to have gotten a glimpse of what love can look like. Sometimes I worry that I am not going to find the love that I want….or deserve….or desire. The idea that I will not have that “happily ever after” creeps its way into my thoughts from time to time, but I refuse to let it consume me. I am not looking for love, but I dream of love finding me one day and holding me captive in the possibility of forever again. I want to be caught up in loves grasp.

I pray that love, real love, will one day cover me in all its splendor and warm my soul, for real.

#LIFE

In the absence of understanding who we are and where we’ve come from, it’s impossible to figure out where we are going and, more importantly, how we will get there. As we struggle for understanding, there is a serious need to step outside of the selfish ideals that “I” is all that matters or that “my group’s life” matters more. No group or person holds the patent on struggle and oppression….we are all in this world together. MLK said best, “injustice anywhere, is injustice everywhere”. Why have we lost sight of this?

All lives matter. I may have more insight into my struggles as a black man….or a gay man…..but there needs to be compassion for those that are not like me, but are still in the midst of their own struggles. How many human lives have to be destroyed before we come to realize that “I am my brother’s keeper”?

I want to speak to my black people out there; our lives matter. There should be civil unrest every single time a black man or woman is killed by the police or racially profiled by anyone. But, let me ask you this……when are we going to stop killing each other? When are OUR lives going to matter to each other enough to stop murdering each other? If we don’t respect the lives of each other, how do we expect the world to respect our lives? When are we going to stop trying to claim a bigger piece of oppression and show compassion to the others that are in a similar boat?

I know that our history in this country is marred by slavery….families torn apart on the auction blocks, our women raped, our men beaten and broken down. When is it ok to stop being so damn angry about it and realize that it’s time to work together to make changes happen? Just because we are LOUDER than the other groups that have the same struggle doesn’t mean we are going to be heard. The messages are being missed by our inability to see that the only way WE can make it is if the rest of the country/world see the compassion we have for each other.
We all have a responsibility to each other. We should ALL be upset about the senseless killing of black a man or black woman, but we should be equally pissed when a white person is murdered….or an Asian person….or Hispanic. We are all connected in the world, people!

I want to speak to my gay people out there; we are in the midst of fantastic strides in our social acceptance in this country. The supreme court of the land has validated our civil rights and the pendulum of justice is finally swinging our way. Having said that, the Gay Struggle is not the new Black Struggle. I have thought about this for some time now and I get why some of us gay people like to think this, but I think we need to look at the history of the country to understand why so many people are upset by this. The struggle that black people have endured in this country since it was founded had reached depths so heinous that we all should feel blessed that we are in the place that we are in. Hell, even me, as a black man, will never really understand what real struggle is because of all the heroes and sheroes that came before me.

At the end of the day, both groups need to stop comparing scars and show a little compassion and help each other heal.

All life is precious. All life matters. Let’s embrace our differences and try to see where the other group is coming from by seeing the fight from their eyes. If we do this, we will find we share more things in common than some may think. Let’s all march together, one voice with a common message of equality, after all, that’s all any of us want….For Real.

If I Were a Bird

I can see everything from up here. I would be able to look back at where I came from with the ability to revisit the places that gave the most joy. Where happiness lived a full life and thrived. Like the first Christmas, the endless hours of laughing with my cousins who were my sisters, the times when I pretended to be my favorite black boy band on the street in front of Grannies Mississippi house. Where my innocence still existed and I was untouched.

I would no longer be afraid to look back on the times that did not hold fast the dreams of this black boy. I could look back on the constant punches in the name of man-hood, the visual of my angel falling down in the name of love, the latch key loneliness. My wings would spread and allow me to escape….or return…or soar into blue sky of anticipation of where I’d go next. My wings would take me to places that I have longed to go but for whatever the reason, I have been afraid to be. And, walking doesn’t get me there fast enough and it prevents me from making a timely escape, I don’t think I was meant to walk among them.

At moments, I am afraid to be so high above them. I make attempts to fly lower so that they can still see me there with them, but it doesn’t seem to work….they want me to be there with them and the judgement comes. They don’t understand that a spirit bridled dies a horrible death and I have been resuscitated for the last time.

Freedom comes to some with the ease of the morning dawn and the rising of the moon. They are able to fly or walk in the presence of those that come to lock away the spirit that makes them who they are. At times, they are forced to hold back their freedom in the name of honesty to those they love, but at the expense of the love they have for themselves making freedom sad and non-existent. In that moment, they become their own captors.

If I were a bird….you would still love me and you would want to. I’d be the truest version of me, the me that you have caught glimpses of and have been drawn to. You would have to let go of who you think I am and embrace me…and you would still love me in my honesty. And if selfish love prevents you from going there with me, either you never loved me or I never showed you me. In both cases, the loss is hard, but the rebirth of a new understanding is promising and you could still love me…..the real me.

I am no longer coming back ….I am here.

A Celebration of Life

I am blessed to see yet another year and to God goes the glory. The examination of my life over the last year makes my jaw drop thinking about where I am now versus where I was this time last year. I would have never thought that I would be in this place at this time. No matter how much I prayed that God would order my steps onto a new path, I am happy where I am today……and to God goes the glory.

The celebration this year will be for the one that God chose to bring me into this world and to guide me through this life. Now, I don’t remember what happened on the day I was born, but I do know that I was connected, comforted and made safe in that moment in her arms. I imagined that she held me and cried….she does that. My guess is that she was scared….she was just barely 18 years old and didn’t even know how to take care of herself, let alone a new born baby. I also assume that she never really knew what real love was until that moment. She was assured that, besides her momma and daddy, there was going to be one more person in this world that will love her for the rest of her life.

One of the greatest things about her is that, despite the demons she had to battle, despite the bumps and bruises she endured in the name of love, despite the struggles and insecurities that try to stall her……she always puts me first and loves me unconditionally. When I told her that I was gay, there wasn’t a moment of hesitation in her love for me. Never once did she question me……she just said that she loves me no matter what. Unconditionally…..without condition, her love is never quid pro quo.

I am the person that I am because of the grace of God and I thank God every single day for my momma.

Momma, thank you for always being there for me……”thank you” just doesn’t seem to say enough, but I am pretty sure that there are no words that can truly express the gratitude that I have for you. From the first birthday until this one, you have been that voice of reason, the counselor when I had no idea what to do or where to go, the shoulder for my tears and the best friend I’ll ever know. How blessed am I to have you in my life…..

The bond that a child develops with his mother can never be severed. I grew as an organism inside her for nine months. She carried me and sustained me, sharing her sustenance with me through my umbilical cord. When I was born, that cord was severed, but it never severed in our hearts. That bond will lasts forever. Sometimes, my life can become crazy and I’m all over the place from time to time and it may seem as though I forgot the woman that cared for me and nurtured me through everything. I will never forget and with each passing year, the bond gets stronger.

So, my birthday blessing this year and every year before this and every year that is yet to come is for the one solid force in my life that has always been steadfast in her love for me...…my momma.

I pray that God will continue to keep you, momma, close to Him and safe in His arms as you and I continue on this journey in life. Thank you for praying for me in times when I did not know if God could hear my own prayers. For all the ups and downs; for all the rights and the wrongs……you are my girl and I love you……For Real.

The Reality of Friendship or The Living Eulogy

The Reality
At the Funeral: I can’t believe that he is gone, I mean…..I just saw him yesterday at Starbucks. He always had such a great attitude and a smile that lit up the sky. No….I didn’t have a chance to say hello, I was on my way to….in fact, I haven’t talked to him in months. Oh, Remember that time when we all went to……Damn, I wish I had just one more chance to tell him how much I love him.

Kind words are wasted on the dead. Of course, they make us smile as we drift into memory and look back on the many times that we’ve shared; remembering all of the intricacies and nuances….the things about them that we loved so much. The very things that drew us into their world to begin with and drew them into ours. One of the magnificent things about God’s glory is that every single day that we are blessed to see another day break, we have a chance to celebrate those people in our lives. We have the chance to share those words with each other that make us so happy to know the ones in our lives. The reality, it is hard to keep up with every single person you know. When you have life happening around you, it’s difficult to sometimes even keep up with your own day to day grind.

The Friendship
You may meet someone and instantly, in that moment, you know that you will be best friends forever. Other friendships develop over an extended period of time. In some friendships you feel a sense of equality, while in others there may be a clear sense that one is giving more to the friendship then the other. There are no rules about how a friendship is supposed to work. If we are able to share our lives with another human being, by all means, we should do that. All friendships are unique and special in their own way. Each one is valuable. Friends help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have the absolute and total freedom to be yourself and especially to feel whatever is in the moment for you to feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he or she really is. I have that sort of friendship with a handful of people that I am absolutely able to be vulnerable and real with and share my emotions with.

Time is not on our side when it comes to sharing love…it’s a race against the clock. I don’t want another minute to go by without me letting Troy Z know that when I was going through a bad relationship, it was his texts, calls and words of love that helped me get out and heal. The sunshine you bring to my life helps me grow. I don’t want Jared W to go another day without knowing just how important his mere presence is to me. Erik and Cesario B, shouldn’t go another moment without understanding how much I appreciate finding sanctuary in their home and hearts in the good times and the bad times. Eminent S…..she should know, today, that your soul inspires me. Jessica C has to know that her love releases me into my truth every time I see, talk or text you. Jim H, please recognize that the truth you share with me allows me to share my truth with you…weather you like it or not (LOL). Jacob S, please remember that in the moments that I am down or happy or indifferent, when I see you I smile. David K, you will always be my one true love which makes the friendship that much sweeter. Thanks for making it easy. Jean and Marshane...it's been years, the history will keep us connected forever.

I refuse to waste these words at a funeral…..you all deserve to know now. I won’t eulogize you and let everyone else know how great you are.

You need to know now….For Real!